Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Totally enamoRED DAWN!
If you haven't seen the movie Red Dawn, you need to go out and see it immediately. Yes, it may be buried in the extremely dusty Hypothetical Apocalyptic Cold War Scenario section of your video store, but it is SO worth unearthing. Red Dawn has aged like a fine wine. When it was released, I'm sure it did a fine job capitalizing on America's paranoia about shitty communist governments, and now it is capable of eliciting an equally vehement reaction in the form of awed unintentional hilarity. And I mean hilarity in the sense that it is literally astounding that something so improbable would resound so meaningfully in the present day. I was just a kid when this was out in theaters, so I didn't appreciate it at the time. Recently, I've seen it a little here and there on Spike TV and AMC (yes, it is an American Movie Classic, along with She-Devil, Kuffs, and Fletch Lives), and I've come to the conclusion that Red Dawn may be one of the most profoundly awesome movies in Hollywood history.
In case you are unfamiliar with Red Dawn, I'll provide a brief typically lengthy plot synopsis. The Soviets invade Colorado (oh, and Cuba helps too) via some sort of crazy plan involving hundreds of thousands of paratroopers leaping from Aeroflot jetliners ready to COMMUNIZE some freedom-loving motherfuckers. The Russians then, with a flourish of some "we will crush you" rhetoric, proceed to commit a multitude of egregious human rights abuses (summary executions, grenade massacres, staging concerts by people named Aleksandr, torture, enslavement, setting up vodka distilleries and re-education camps/gulags, etc...but luckily, no institutionalized prisoner organ harvesting). As if this weren't upsetting enough, the Russians are really being assholes about it, mocking sacred icons of Americana:
Basically, America is fucked, or as one colorful local in the movie puts it, "You boys landed right smack dab in the middle-a World War III!" Americans will all soon be forced to address one another as comrade while watching movies proclaiming in glorious generic dictator-speak that "America is a whorehouse where your revolutionary ideals have been corrupted!" However, one intrepid group of freedom fighters decides that they will not take Soviet occupation lying down. They are American, goddammit, and they'll die for their country and their basic freedoms! There's just one catch: they're a group of teenagers that reads like a who's who of 80s movies. America's hope lies frighteningly in the hands of Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Grey, Lea Thompson, and their fearless yet reluctant leader, Patrick Swayze, son of a curmudgeonly martyr-to-the-cause played by Harry Dean Stanton. His leadership skills involve him shouting "Run! This way!" and looking stoic. Swayze and C. Thomas are galvanized to action by their fathers' tragic fate: being executed to a shout of "Fuego!" by a Cuban firing squad while singing "America the Beautiful" loud enough to drown out the sound of "Gimn Sovetskogo Soyuza" bumping grainily through the firing squad system. They decide to pull of a bunch of ballsy, garage bomb-type guerilla attacks against the invaders, and call themselves the Wolverines, after the high school football team the boys played for and the girls cheered for in happier, less totalitarian times. Like any good terrorist organization, they always take care to announce their identity by spray-painting "Wolverines!" on the charred hammer-and-sickle adorned metal war machine wreckage they leave in their wake. Then they show those terrorists on Al-Jazeera how REAL AMERICANS celebrate a violent and explosive insurgent success:
Fortunately, the Russians well-laid plan for invasion hits a snag when it becomes apparent that they don't speak Spanish and their Cuban comrades don't speak Russian, and their respective military bureaucracies are very incompatible. This wreaks havoc on the whole Communist Takeover infrastructure. Even more fortunate is the fact that the Wolverines are able to capitalize on the tangled red tape (get it? RED tape) of their oppressors and overthrow them with a deft combination of suicide bombing and negotiation with vintage early-'80s model Kalashnikovs. With a combination of spunk, good old-fashioned U.S. of A. stick-to-it-iveness, and guerilla tactics learned from a conveniently downed (while engaging some MIGs, of course) fighter pilot, they get 'er done so all of the Continental Divide can be "F.A." That is, "Free America."
You haven't lived until you've seen C. Thomas Howell in a letterman jacket and head-to-toe Winter Forest camo outerwear firing a couple of RPGs at a Russian tank advancing upon him, only to die in Patrick Swayze's arms. The only question I have is why Swayze didn't lovingly croon "She's Like the Wind" to him as he faded into that great Free American democracy in the sky.
I just purchased a copy of Red Dawn for my permanent collection, where it will take a place of honor on my particle board DVD shelf, right before Starship Troopers and right behind Predator on the awesomeness shelf. I don't know why, given the fact that if you replace "Wolverines" with "Sunni factions in Baghdad" this movie is basically the most prescient allegory ever for the Shitshow Formerly Known as Operation Iraqi Freedom, all these actors are bragging about being in Dirty Dancing, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Wall Street, Back to the Future, or The Hitcher. These guys should put Red Dawn as item numero uno on their IMDB pages. If George W. Bush had seen this film, he'd at least have had some idea of the tactics that clever, patriotic teenagers will resort to in order to expel an unwanted tyrannical occupying power. If they could give Oscars retroactively, Red Dawn would be first in line. Go see it, because it rules.
I just purchased a copy of Red Dawn for my permanent collection, where it will take a place of honor on my particle board DVD shelf, right before Starship Troopers and right behind Predator on the awesomeness shelf. I don't know why, given the fact that if you replace "Wolverines" with "Sunni factions in Baghdad" this movie is basically the most prescient allegory ever for the Shitshow Formerly Known as Operation Iraqi Freedom, all these actors are bragging about being in Dirty Dancing, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Wall Street, Back to the Future, or The Hitcher. These guys should put Red Dawn as item numero uno on their IMDB pages. If George W. Bush had seen this film, he'd at least have had some idea of the tactics that clever, patriotic teenagers will resort to in order to expel an unwanted tyrannical occupying power. If they could give Oscars retroactively, Red Dawn would be first in line. Go see it, because it rules.
Labels: I LOVE IT, international intrigue, movies, Razzification
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I saw this flick back when it came out and I was home on leave after completing US army armor basic training. Today, I am so embarrassed when I think back of bald headed enthusiasm for wanting to get me a commie or die trying. What radical teenager would not give his left nut for a crack at the big satin, the US... SR.
# posted by 
: 5/09/2007 11:52 PM
: 5/09/2007 11:52 PM
Razzy, I swear you are inside my brain. I just watched this on TV last night for the first time, and...SO. AWESOME!
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# posted by : 5/10/2007 2:45 PM
: 5/10/2007 2:45 PM Links to this post:
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