Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Two tons of Hobbit fun
Since the films were released on DVD, I have watched each installment of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings about 45 times. I love them. Honor, glory, battle axes, the nine.
And at viewing number 44 on the final chapter in the trilogy, The Return of the King, I have one, burning, unanswered question:
WHY IS SAMWISE STILL FAT?
Sure, fine, the elves are the shit and everything they do is perfect, so they may have created some chemically superior lembas bread that boosts the spirits and sustains for a day. Fine. But first of all, name me a fat elf.
And second of all, there is NO FUCKING WAY that Sam's fat self isn't shedding at least a few pounds on a diet of limited-supply, leaf-wrapped cake for months at a time. Throw in the occasional wiry woodland hare, but still. For 13 months, Mr. Gangi the Gardener fights his way through toward Mordor with Frodo, eating nothing but Elvish Power Bars, climbing uphill, fighting orks, frolicking with Frodo and wrestling with Gollum. This is *more than sufficient exertion to combat his caloric intake and drop some weight.
I'm not hatin'. Samwise the Brave is the MAN in all this mess. I would take him as my wingman in any great quest, and anyway, the forces of evil would be pillaging and plundering the halls of men, elves and dwarves alike at this very moment, if it weren't for his pluck and devotion. Oh. I know. I'm simply mystified that he remains, in the face of toil and starvation, a big boned chunker. I can't understand this. Admittedly, Hobbit metabolism is not a specialty of mine, but Jesus, folks, Sam deserves to be cut after conquering E-vil. Give us a break.
And at viewing number 44 on the final chapter in the trilogy, The Return of the King, I have one, burning, unanswered question:
WHY IS SAMWISE STILL FAT?
Sure, fine, the elves are the shit and everything they do is perfect, so they may have created some chemically superior lembas bread that boosts the spirits and sustains for a day. Fine. But first of all, name me a fat elf.
And second of all, there is NO FUCKING WAY that Sam's fat self isn't shedding at least a few pounds on a diet of limited-supply, leaf-wrapped cake for months at a time. Throw in the occasional wiry woodland hare, but still. For 13 months, Mr. Gangi the Gardener fights his way through toward Mordor with Frodo, eating nothing but Elvish Power Bars, climbing uphill, fighting orks, frolicking with Frodo and wrestling with Gollum. This is *more than sufficient exertion to combat his caloric intake and drop some weight.
I'm not hatin'. Samwise the Brave is the MAN in all this mess. I would take him as my wingman in any great quest, and anyway, the forces of evil would be pillaging and plundering the halls of men, elves and dwarves alike at this very moment, if it weren't for his pluck and devotion. Oh. I know. I'm simply mystified that he remains, in the face of toil and starvation, a big boned chunker. I can't understand this. Admittedly, Hobbit metabolism is not a specialty of mine, but Jesus, folks, Sam deserves to be cut after conquering E-vil. Give us a break.
Labels: epic geekery, FalloniusMonk, fat fucks, nerd alert
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My hypothesis is as follows:
1. Samwise Gamgee was sucking Frodo off on the regs (implied in both book and the movies, as there's lots of talk of their "great love," "powerful devotion," "deep feelings," and "special and true friendship", etc.)
2. Semen has mad calories.
3. Sam didn't lose any weight, whereas Frodo withered away, both on account of the life-sucking effects of bearing the One Ring, and because he was the top who was constantly being serviced and never reciprocating.
Of course there's no way I can determine the validity of this theory experimentally, but it seems pretty reasonable to me. I've never perused the medical literature concerning Hobbit metabolism, but I AM accomplished at being both a scientist and a whore, so I feel my expertise has to count for something.
1. Samwise Gamgee was sucking Frodo off on the regs (implied in both book and the movies, as there's lots of talk of their "great love," "powerful devotion," "deep feelings," and "special and true friendship", etc.)
2. Semen has mad calories.
3. Sam didn't lose any weight, whereas Frodo withered away, both on account of the life-sucking effects of bearing the One Ring, and because he was the top who was constantly being serviced and never reciprocating.
Of course there's no way I can determine the validity of this theory experimentally, but it seems pretty reasonable to me. I've never perused the medical literature concerning Hobbit metabolism, but I AM accomplished at being both a scientist and a whore, so I feel my expertise has to count for something.
Maybe Sam gives credence to the "fat but fit" mantra that seems so prevalent amongst the bbw's that are always harping about some sizist conspiracy to discriminate against the obese. I used to think that type of thing was was head in the sand nonsense, but Sam is undoubtedly fit, and certainly fat. I think FalloniusMonk may be on to something here.
Sam is fit? Have you been reading too much bigbeautifulblog.com lately, Morrissey'sHair? Okay, so he can lug Frodo's busted ass up a mountain and slap Gollum around from time to time...well, I GUESS he also killed Shelob the horrible spider and rescued Frodo, and I suppose that implies some level of physical fitness. I'm still willing to bet there's a jizz gut under that elven cloak of his.
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