Tuesday, June 26, 2007

 

Daily Douchebag: Paris Hilton


Name: Paris Hilton

Real Name: Paris Whitney Hilton

DOB: February 17, 1981

Occupation: Drunk driver, probation violator, cultural succubus, infectious disease hazard, whore

Hometown: New York, NY

Current Residence: Lynwood Detention Facility Hollywood Hills, Los Angeles, CA

Douchebaggery: Unfortunately for everyone, Paris was released from jail around midnight. During and before her stint in the clink, she was using every excuse imaginable to keep her slut ass out of jail. First she had ADD (translation: speed addiction), then she found Jesus and/or possibly Buddha, and then when all else failed, she turned on the waterworks. Hot-Ass LA City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo and the judge were unmoved, and ho did her time like a man like the snivelling, spoiled brat that she is. Proving that her new mission to be good and proper and decent and not thoroughly detestable is now unnecessary on account of her freedom, Paris strutted out of the jail, posing for the paparazzi as if she were on the red carpet at the VMAs and returning immediately to her media whorish ways.

Now that she's probably got some extra-strength prison-caliber clap, the CDC should take notice, as there will probably be an outbreak of killer VD on the Hollywood club scene. Brody Jenner, the entire male cast of "The Hills", and random dudes late of the "Desperate Housewives" set will be reporting unpleasant discharges/odors, itching, and burning by the end of the week. Greasy oil heir Brandon Davis will undoubtedly have some festering pustules to go along with his apparent glandular problem, and Stavros Niarchos will be getting some antibiotics to go along with the refills on his Valtrex scrip. I wish this ho would have caught that multidrug-resistant strain of the consumption and thus wound up in quarantine along with that globe-trotting personal injury lawyer. As a microbiologist, I find it reprehensible and dangerous that public health officials are not more concerned that her pathogenic ass has been unleashed upon an unsuspecting public.

It's really a shame that Paris didn't molest any children, because if she had, there would be a chance she'd be stuck into one of those offender programs that holds pedophiles and rapists indefinitely. The world would be a better place if she was permanently imprisoned. Maybe they could get one of those puzzle boxes like from the Hellraiser movies and find some configuration that will send her forever into the Cenobite dimension or something. Just keep her off the streets, and off my internet celebrity gossip pages!

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# posted by Razzy @ 7:24 AM
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