Thursday, June 21, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Pope Benedict XVI
Nickname: Benedixteen
Real Name: Joseph Alois Ratzinger, sometimes also called John Ratzinger (not to be confused with John Ratzinberger, who played Cliff Claven on "Cheers")
DOB: April 16, 1927
Occupation: Vicar of Christ
Hometown: Marktl am Inn, Bavaria, Weimar Republic (holy shit, he was actually born when there was a Weimar Republic...dude is old)
Current Residence: Basilica of St. John Lateran, Vatican City, The Vatican
Douchebaggery: After being elected the Head Pedophile in Charge of the Roman Catholic faith at the papal conclave in April 2005, Benedixteen promptly got down to business undoing all the good PR built up by his predecessor JP Dos. He's spent the last two years shopping for designer shoes, discouraging condom use, bashing the gays, interfering with other people's politics, further fucking with Western-Islamic relations by quoting Crusade-loving Byzantine emperors, jacking people's stashes, hating on capitalism, holding hands (and possibly receiving fellatio from...it's implied by the body language) and giving daps to Dubya, and generally finding new ways to condemn people. Also, he looks like some kind of fell being created by Saruman the White before he got the formula for making Uruk-Hai right, or some other type of orc or goblin. I could totally see him scampering up a pillar in the Mines of Moria after stupid-ass Pippin announced the Fellowship of the Ring's presence by chucking a rock followed by an entire armor-clad dwarf skeleton down that well. If only Aragorn son of Arathorn were around to liberate his head from his body with Anduril, Flame of the West, forged from the shards of Narsil. Lord of the Rings geekery aside, Benedixteen may not actually be the distant cousin of the hordes of Mordor, but he is without question the creepiest-looking Pope in the entire two thousand year history of cranky old codgers to occupy the Holy See.
Labels: Catholicism, Daily Douchebag, Pope Benedixteen
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