Tuesday, June 12, 2007
A total bomb
I think that this is hilarious. Disturbing and offensive, but nonetheless hilarious:
So let me get this straight (or maybe I mean straight but not narrow): the Bomb Inventing department at the Pentagon thought that driving an enemy force wild with guy-on-guy urges would devastate them militarily. Good thinking, guys, except for one thing: even though we currently have this retarded "don't ask, don't tell" policy (which excludes me from military service due to my bisexual tendencies and big mouth), militaries from around the world have a rich tradition of faggotry going back to ancient times. Gay marriage was legal in Sparta, and common, since dudes were basically sequestered from women at the age of seven and regarded chicks as new-Spartan-making machines (no matter what 300 implies about Leonidas's epic love for his wifey...Lysistrata was similarly flawed, as if the women of Sparta, Boetia, and Corinth all decided to not give it up, their husbands would just hit with each other...that shit did NOT end the Peloponnesian War). Homos were all the rage in the imperial Roman guard, as like the Greeks, soldiers had to have some diversion while they were off conquering the known world. Aristotle describes the Celts and Gauls as getting down with some hot same-sex action as they marauded around Europe (back in the good old days when the French actually admitted to being barbarians). The Sioux and the Cheyenne encouraged marriages between chiefs and transvestite shamans. And don't get me started on any type of navy. The Village People wrote a damn song about naval life that puts to rest any notion that the average seaman is unacquainted (or, for that matter, unenthused) with the concept of buggering their bunkmate. In fact, they make it sound like a horny dude can get more action sailing the bounding main for ones country than cruising the bars on Christopher Street.
I investigated further on the internets and realized that there's a good reason why the war in Iraq is presently such an overbudget shitshow. According to the BBC, the military's greatest minds are busy brainstorming bullshit like this ridiculous "gay bomb", along with a bad breath bomb, a fart-inducing bomb, a vermin-attracting bomb, and a sunburn bomb. The Bomb Inventing department is apparently where the most offensively retarded higher-ups at the Department of Defense get transferred to, because of these dumb concepts. The fart bomb, also called the "Who...me?" bomb, was discarded because it would be useless against armies from developing nations who "do not find fecal odor offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis." Instead, these geniuses thought the gay bomb would be much better for causing a "distasteful but non-lethal" epidemic of faggotry. Supposedly, this mystery gay chemical would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistable" to one another, causing them to abandon their posts, crank the Erasure, and commence the orgiastic sodomizing with nary another thought about armed combat. Was the military planning on hitting the entire enemy front with a devastating combo of nitrate poppers, crystal meth, and upbeat house music or something? That's the stupidest fucking idea I've ever heard of, and it's not even a "this might just be crazy enough to work" stupid idea. It's a "that would be almost impossible to develop, overwhelmingly difficult to deliver, not remotely guaranteed to work, and not worth the ridiculous amounts of taxpayer money needed to build a prototype, so let's not waste time speaking of it again" stupid idea.
As a taxpayer, I strongly encourage the folks over at the Pentagon to quit coming up with weapon ideas based on items sold at Spencer's Gifts and to just keep designing bombs according to the old-school paradigm (ie: that blow shit up). That way they can spend time brainstorming solutions for more important, impossible-to-surmount projects, such as GETTING US THE FUCK OUT OF IRAQ. Just a suggestion, you fucktards.
So let me get this straight (or maybe I mean straight but not narrow): the Bomb Inventing department at the Pentagon thought that driving an enemy force wild with guy-on-guy urges would devastate them militarily. Good thinking, guys, except for one thing: even though we currently have this retarded "don't ask, don't tell" policy (which excludes me from military service due to my bisexual tendencies and big mouth), militaries from around the world have a rich tradition of faggotry going back to ancient times. Gay marriage was legal in Sparta, and common, since dudes were basically sequestered from women at the age of seven and regarded chicks as new-Spartan-making machines (no matter what 300 implies about Leonidas's epic love for his wifey...Lysistrata was similarly flawed, as if the women of Sparta, Boetia, and Corinth all decided to not give it up, their husbands would just hit with each other...that shit did NOT end the Peloponnesian War). Homos were all the rage in the imperial Roman guard, as like the Greeks, soldiers had to have some diversion while they were off conquering the known world. Aristotle describes the Celts and Gauls as getting down with some hot same-sex action as they marauded around Europe (back in the good old days when the French actually admitted to being barbarians). The Sioux and the Cheyenne encouraged marriages between chiefs and transvestite shamans. And don't get me started on any type of navy. The Village People wrote a damn song about naval life that puts to rest any notion that the average seaman is unacquainted (or, for that matter, unenthused) with the concept of buggering their bunkmate. In fact, they make it sound like a horny dude can get more action sailing the bounding main for ones country than cruising the bars on Christopher Street.
I investigated further on the internets and realized that there's a good reason why the war in Iraq is presently such an overbudget shitshow. According to the BBC, the military's greatest minds are busy brainstorming bullshit like this ridiculous "gay bomb", along with a bad breath bomb, a fart-inducing bomb, a vermin-attracting bomb, and a sunburn bomb. The Bomb Inventing department is apparently where the most offensively retarded higher-ups at the Department of Defense get transferred to, because of these dumb concepts. The fart bomb, also called the "Who...me?" bomb, was discarded because it would be useless against armies from developing nations who "do not find fecal odor offensive, since they smell it on a regular basis." Instead, these geniuses thought the gay bomb would be much better for causing a "distasteful but non-lethal" epidemic of faggotry. Supposedly, this mystery gay chemical would make enemy soldiers "sexually irresistable" to one another, causing them to abandon their posts, crank the Erasure, and commence the orgiastic sodomizing with nary another thought about armed combat. Was the military planning on hitting the entire enemy front with a devastating combo of nitrate poppers, crystal meth, and upbeat house music or something? That's the stupidest fucking idea I've ever heard of, and it's not even a "this might just be crazy enough to work" stupid idea. It's a "that would be almost impossible to develop, overwhelmingly difficult to deliver, not remotely guaranteed to work, and not worth the ridiculous amounts of taxpayer money needed to build a prototype, so let's not waste time speaking of it again" stupid idea.
As a taxpayer, I strongly encourage the folks over at the Pentagon to quit coming up with weapon ideas based on items sold at Spencer's Gifts and to just keep designing bombs according to the old-school paradigm (ie: that blow shit up). That way they can spend time brainstorming solutions for more important, impossible-to-surmount projects, such as GETTING US THE FUCK OUT OF IRAQ. Just a suggestion, you fucktards.
Labels: hilarious shit, international intrigue, retard rage, ridiculous absurdity, scathing indictments, United States of Asskickery, vulgar display of faggotry
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