Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Why Paris should stay in jail
I have just gotten a chance to take a breather after approximately five straight days of absolutely brutal work. The last two nights I've only gotten a combined five hours of sleep and at my old age, that's not cutting it. I don't even have the energy to write an end-of-the-season sendoff to "Deadliest Catch;" I'm too exhausted to think up clever crab fishing-related metaphors for Skipper Sig Hansen's hotness. So to wind down from the nonstop activity and large quantities of Sugar Free Red Bull for the refreshing nap I plan on taking, I decided to peruse the fluffy, pithy gossip posts on Dlisted, and noticed a post headed with the banner "Serial Killer Handwriting" about this letter:
Apparently Paris is so bored in prison that she's breaking out her best second-grade penmanship to send to the extraordinarily stupid people who mailed her letters of support. Color me completely unsurprised that bitch dots her i's with hearts and failed to retain the old "i before e except after c" rule we all learned in the first fucking grade. I went through a phase where I did that when I was eleven, but even in my EXCEPTIONALLY dorky tween years I quickly realized how obviously retarded that practice is, and immediately reverted to the classic dot. Anyway, her handwriting definitely has some eerie serial killer qualities to it, and I should know. I'm from the P-N-Dub and we have almost as many serial killers as we do Starbucks. Ted Bundy grew up several blocks away from my mom's childhood (and later my post-college) home on 10th and K Street. Rumor has it that he threw his first victim, a young girl from the neighborhood he met on his paper route, into the gulch across the street from Magoo's, the bar where my parents met and where I've gotten drunk on MANY an occasion back in Tacoma. However, Ted Bundy was an evil genius and kind of a hottie. Mark Harmon totally played him in a made-for-TV movie. He landed that role when he was hot, sexy, Vuarnet shades and Hawaiian shirt-wearing Mark Harmon, not the present day old and busted Mark Harmon. Ted Bundy was pretty foxy for a man who killed hundreds of women in Washington and later Florida, where they fried his ass for it.
This is not Ted Bundy writing, though. I expect Ted Bundy's handwriting had a lot of bells and whistles, and may have been very messy, since he was always wearing a cast on his arm to lure his victims into his gold VW bug. Ted Bundy was a complex man, who probably had a complex scrawl. Paris's writing reminds me instead of our other really famous serial killer:
That's a letter from Gary Leon Ridgway, better known as the Green River Killer. In the 80s, he killed a shitload of prostitutes and runaways and chucked their bodies into the Green River. When I was a little kid, a couple of my crazy aunts used to use the Green River Killer as a some sort of mythical cautionary boogeyman who would sniff me out and get me if I was bad to frighten me into behaving. I never fell for that one, since even as a young child I was insightful enough to point out that I wasn't hooking on Highway 99 out near Sea-Tac, in what is basically the chode of King County. Years later, after the advent of DNA forensics when I was almost done with college, they tracked some old pubes down and matched them to samples found in a truck Gary used to own, and captured his ass.
My friend HotLawyer worked on some kind of task force involved with tracking down the remains of his other victims, and he told me that Gary--or "Gare Bear," as he calls him--was certifiably mentally retarded. His IQ is less than 100 and he literally killed so many women that he couldn't remember all of them, much less where they all were. Apparently he would not be able to talk about his "ladys" unless he ate Herfy's fish and chips morning, noon, and night, and when the detectives had to play hardball with him, they'd go in shouting, "No more Herfy's for you! It's cheeseburgers from here on out!" and Gare Bear would lapse into histrionics, followed by catatonia. I imagine shit like that going down with Paris, too. She'd be pretty easy to manipulate by alternately offering and denying her favorite foods (Adderall and greasy Greek shipping heir dick). You could probably get her to confess to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby that way.
HotLawyer also mentioned that as part of the evidence from Gare Bear's case there was a whole sheaf of photos of him in various states of undress, and some joker in the office copied a picture of him in his skivvies, glued it to cardboard, cut it out, and they'd dress it up like a paper doll in a Seahawks uniform, lei and hula skirt, velvet pimp suit, Gary Payton jersey, etc. I imagine that the highly professional staff of the LA County Jail are doing something very similar with some analogous Paris Hilton effigy right now. I certainly would be.
In any event, the extreme similarity between the handwriting, the mental competency, and the speculative scenarios I offer here makes me wonder if there isn't something much more dark and sinister about Paris than anyone ever imagined. I could see that dumb hooker getting all Green River on some unsuspecting Z-list Hollywood ho (like one of those bitches from "The Hills"...they all seem like hapless murder victims waiting to happen) who happens to accept a ride home from Hyde or wherever with her once she's released. Since they can't hold her in jail for the remainder of her natural life because of some lame technicality in the Constitution, I hope that the cops keep an eye on her when she's loosed upon the world like the Eleventh Plague of Egypt in a few days. Something with her is just not right.
This is not Ted Bundy writing, though. I expect Ted Bundy's handwriting had a lot of bells and whistles, and may have been very messy, since he was always wearing a cast on his arm to lure his victims into his gold VW bug. Ted Bundy was a complex man, who probably had a complex scrawl. Paris's writing reminds me instead of our other really famous serial killer:
That's a letter from Gary Leon Ridgway, better known as the Green River Killer. In the 80s, he killed a shitload of prostitutes and runaways and chucked their bodies into the Green River. When I was a little kid, a couple of my crazy aunts used to use the Green River Killer as a some sort of mythical cautionary boogeyman who would sniff me out and get me if I was bad to frighten me into behaving. I never fell for that one, since even as a young child I was insightful enough to point out that I wasn't hooking on Highway 99 out near Sea-Tac, in what is basically the chode of King County. Years later, after the advent of DNA forensics when I was almost done with college, they tracked some old pubes down and matched them to samples found in a truck Gary used to own, and captured his ass.
HotLawyer also mentioned that as part of the evidence from Gare Bear's case there was a whole sheaf of photos of him in various states of undress, and some joker in the office copied a picture of him in his skivvies, glued it to cardboard, cut it out, and they'd dress it up like a paper doll in a Seahawks uniform, lei and hula skirt, velvet pimp suit, Gary Payton jersey, etc. I imagine that the highly professional staff of the LA County Jail are doing something very similar with some analogous Paris Hilton effigy right now. I certainly would be.
In any event, the extreme similarity between the handwriting, the mental competency, and the speculative scenarios I offer here makes me wonder if there isn't something much more dark and sinister about Paris than anyone ever imagined. I could see that dumb hooker getting all Green River on some unsuspecting Z-list Hollywood ho (like one of those bitches from "The Hills"...they all seem like hapless murder victims waiting to happen) who happens to accept a ride home from Hyde or wherever with her once she's released. Since they can't hold her in jail for the remainder of her natural life because of some lame technicality in the Constitution, I hope that the cops keep an eye on her when she's loosed upon the world like the Eleventh Plague of Egypt in a few days. Something with her is just not right.
Labels: crazies, crime and punishment, HotLawyer, oh the horror, P-N-Dub, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts
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Gary's IQ actually hovered around 70. He was borderline retarded, or whatever the term is these days. Courts here still use the former, so I'm sticking to it.
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# posted by 
: 6/20/2007 6:20 PM
: 6/20/2007 6:20 PM Links to this post:
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