Monday, July 30, 2007
Best. SciFi Original Movie. Ever.
For some reason, I have not seen Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. This is surprising, because SciFi Original Movies are one of my weaknesses. I've seen everything from Mansquito to Snakehead Terror to Attack of the Sabretooth, and I'm not ashamed. Between all the Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter talk, and the PhD in science, it's not like it's a secret that I'm a huge fucking nerd. I love these low-budge pieces of moderately creative trash. It's also surprising because I'm kind of obsessed with shark movies ever since Jaws scared the living shit out of me at the age of five. That movie was singlehandedly responsible for my sleeping with the door open and the hall light on for the next eight years (as well as my bizarre sexual fascination with Roy Scheider--Chief Brody was a hot-ass drunk). I was so frightened that somehow Jaws would find its way under the hall carpet and drag me shrieking from my bed in my sleep that I wanted to see it coming. Jaws managed to tear up a shark cage, sink a boat, and eat Robert Shaw's character Quint, and he survived the USS Indianapolis disaster, which means he was practically immune to sharks. I figured it wasn't all that unlikely that Jaws would find a way to swim onto dry land, travel to Puyallup, and bite the fuck out of my overimaginative ass.
Anyway, I'm sad that I haven't seen Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, because based on this clip alone, it looks the awesomest cautionary tale ever about why you should always adhere to the "women-children first" custom when abandoning ship, lest you reap your karmic reward.
I'm thinking whoever was behind this is going to be a serious contender come Oscar season. I mean, if Three 6 Mafia can win one for crafting "Whoop That Trick" and "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp," then the geniuses behind this masterpiece should at least be nominated. I'm not sure whether the special effects or the acting is better. Between the hot chick screaming "What? What?" when that asshole steals her life preserver (I'd be like, "FUCK YOU, asshole!") and the clearly sleazy older guy laughing as he speeds to his ultimate doom on a Sea Doo, this movie shows some thespians truly mastering their craft.
From a scientific perspective, the shark is actually also pretty realistic. Carcharodon megalodon, the evolutionary ancestor to the modern-day Great White, lived 10-25 million years ago and was thought to eat whales and other extremely large aquatic creatures. Anyone who has ever visited the Museum of Natural History knows that I go absolutely fucking crazy when passing by the giant C. megalodon jaws they have suspended from the ceiling in the fossilized fish section. "Paleo-Jaws" had a seriously massive bite radius, as evidenced by this classic shark biologist shot:
It's not hard to believe that, if extant, C. megalodon would be devouring Mexican yachts full of formalwear-sporting douchebags similar to the manner depicted here.
As if this clip weren't enough, IMDB informs me that there are some amazing quotes in this movie. For example, at one point, the lead male protagonist says to the lead female protagonist, "I'm a little wired...what do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?" I'd like to see someone come up with something to beat that in a contest for the world's greatest pickup line. Also, apparently when the same chick dispatches the shark with a well-placed gunshot (extremely well-placed, given the shark's size), she crows, "You're extinct, fucker!" That's a victorious one-liner which is almost at Arnold Schwarzenegger caliber.
Anyway, I don't know when SciFi plans on rerunning Shark Attack 3: Megalodon again, but I'm SO watching it when it does. In fact, I might even pick up the DVD, because it will probably only set me back $2.99, and that could be the bargain of the damn century.
Anyway, I'm sad that I haven't seen Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, because based on this clip alone, it looks the awesomest cautionary tale ever about why you should always adhere to the "women-children first" custom when abandoning ship, lest you reap your karmic reward.
I'm thinking whoever was behind this is going to be a serious contender come Oscar season. I mean, if Three 6 Mafia can win one for crafting "Whoop That Trick" and "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp," then the geniuses behind this masterpiece should at least be nominated. I'm not sure whether the special effects or the acting is better. Between the hot chick screaming "What? What?" when that asshole steals her life preserver (I'd be like, "FUCK YOU, asshole!") and the clearly sleazy older guy laughing as he speeds to his ultimate doom on a Sea Doo, this movie shows some thespians truly mastering their craft.
From a scientific perspective, the shark is actually also pretty realistic. Carcharodon megalodon, the evolutionary ancestor to the modern-day Great White, lived 10-25 million years ago and was thought to eat whales and other extremely large aquatic creatures. Anyone who has ever visited the Museum of Natural History knows that I go absolutely fucking crazy when passing by the giant C. megalodon jaws they have suspended from the ceiling in the fossilized fish section. "Paleo-Jaws" had a seriously massive bite radius, as evidenced by this classic shark biologist shot:
It's not hard to believe that, if extant, C. megalodon would be devouring Mexican yachts full of formalwear-sporting douchebags similar to the manner depicted here.
As if this clip weren't enough, IMDB informs me that there are some amazing quotes in this movie. For example, at one point, the lead male protagonist says to the lead female protagonist, "I'm a little wired...what do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?" I'd like to see someone come up with something to beat that in a contest for the world's greatest pickup line. Also, apparently when the same chick dispatches the shark with a well-placed gunshot (extremely well-placed, given the shark's size), she crows, "You're extinct, fucker!" That's a victorious one-liner which is almost at Arnold Schwarzenegger caliber.
Anyway, I don't know when SciFi plans on rerunning Shark Attack 3: Megalodon again, but I'm SO watching it when it does. In fact, I might even pick up the DVD, because it will probably only set me back $2.99, and that could be the bargain of the damn century.
Labels: hilarious shit, movies, nerd alert, Razzification, ridiculous absurdity
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Oh hells yes, I'd hit Roy Schneider in a fucking heartbeat! Hey Chief Brody, "Wanna get drunk and fool around?"
Oh yeah and I always thought that perhaps Megaladon had survived extinction and was lurking underneath my bathtub.
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