Thursday, July 19, 2007
Call her now resurrected
After many seasons of waiting, Vh1 has decided to put together a new season of "The Surreal Life." This show intrigues me because there's nothing more fun than watching a bunch of desperate-to-retain-their-long-gone-fame people forced to live together for a few months. I was even more excited when I saw that this crazy bitch just joined the cast! YES!
You may remember Miss Cleo, the self-proclaimed "mystical shaman from Jamaica" from her ubiquitous TV commercials in the late '90s, during which she would show herself on the phone playing solitaire with her tarot cards and crystal ball giving psychic readings (aka committing fraud) to people who would exclaim, "Oh my God, you're amazing, you're so right!". She would also include such strong selling points as "Why pay $4.99 a minute for psychic advice when you can get it for less than a dollar a minute?!" and "You'll never call another 900 number again!" Then she'd wrap it all up by reminding people that "The cards never lie!" and exhorting the viewer to "CALL ME NOW!" Sadly, Miss Cleo's commercials were pulled from the air when she was sued and fined by the FCC for deceptive advertising practices, but luckily a record of her genius survives on YouTube:
Not only does the addition of disgraced TV psychic really spice up the show, but it will drive J-Sexy crazy. Youree "Miss Cleo" Harris is an even bigger embarrassment to Jamaicans than the guys who starred in Cool Runnings, the book How Stella Got Her Groove Back, or Kingston's bronze medal for its world's-third-highest murder rate. I can almost guarantee that there's going to be a lot of "disgosting"'s and "ridicolos"-es flying around lab today when I advise her of Miss Cleo's latest career move. Even worse for J-Sexy is the fact that Miss Cleo, despite her patois renderings of the imperative "call me now!", is a POSER JAMAICAN! She was born in Los Angeles! Then she moved to the P-N-Dub, a place that I can attest suffers from a severe dearth of Jamaicans in general, although she faked bone cancer and fled a few years later to avoid her creditors. She based Miss Cleo's accent on a character she once portrayed in a one-woman play she put on in Seattle. What a faker.
I can't wait for her to be on "The Surreal Life," though, if only to see what she's like when cooped up with the likes of Dabney Coleman and Carrot Top. For one thing, she's a confidence artist of the highest and most shameless order, so you know she's going to start some shit. She's totally cool with being a has-been because she never was a real star in the first place, unless you define stardom as ignonimy. For another, reading between the lines of her Wikipedia page, I discovered that Miss Cleo is a big old lesbo! That's right...she produced a play with "her partner" called For Women Only: A Celebration of Love, Life, and Healing. If I can't immediately shout "LESBIAN!" after hearing that piece of information, I should just tear up my Smith diploma right now. Sure enough, as I scrolled down her Wikipedia, I learned that she actually came out in an interview with The Advocate. The fact that she came out is all the proof I need to know that this chick isn't Jamaican. J-Sexy has told me MANY times about the notorious homophobia rampant in Jamaica. Then again, being a lesbian is probably least of the reasons why Miss Cleo wouldn't dare show her face in Jamrock. Anyway, her dyke status is going to do nothing but add another dimension of awesomeness to interactions in the Surreal Life household.
I think now I can safely make, in the words of DJ Unk, some predictions like they Cleo's. I can make at least one, anyway: "Surreal Life 7" is going to be FUCKING AWESOME just because this hooker is on it. Between this, "The World Series of Pop Culture" with Pat Kiernan, "Rock of Love," and the upcoming "I Love New York 2," Vh1 is the official leader in trashy reality television that totally rules. I can't wait.
Not only does the addition of disgraced TV psychic really spice up the show, but it will drive J-Sexy crazy. Youree "Miss Cleo" Harris is an even bigger embarrassment to Jamaicans than the guys who starred in Cool Runnings, the book How Stella Got Her Groove Back, or Kingston's bronze medal for its world's-third-highest murder rate. I can almost guarantee that there's going to be a lot of "disgosting"'s and "ridicolos"-es flying around lab today when I advise her of Miss Cleo's latest career move. Even worse for J-Sexy is the fact that Miss Cleo, despite her patois renderings of the imperative "call me now!", is a POSER JAMAICAN! She was born in Los Angeles! Then she moved to the P-N-Dub, a place that I can attest suffers from a severe dearth of Jamaicans in general, although she faked bone cancer and fled a few years later to avoid her creditors. She based Miss Cleo's accent on a character she once portrayed in a one-woman play she put on in Seattle. What a faker.
I can't wait for her to be on "The Surreal Life," though, if only to see what she's like when cooped up with the likes of Dabney Coleman and Carrot Top. For one thing, she's a confidence artist of the highest and most shameless order, so you know she's going to start some shit. She's totally cool with being a has-been because she never was a real star in the first place, unless you define stardom as ignonimy. For another, reading between the lines of her Wikipedia page, I discovered that Miss Cleo is a big old lesbo! That's right...she produced a play with "her partner" called For Women Only: A Celebration of Love, Life, and Healing. If I can't immediately shout "LESBIAN!" after hearing that piece of information, I should just tear up my Smith diploma right now. Sure enough, as I scrolled down her Wikipedia, I learned that she actually came out in an interview with The Advocate. The fact that she came out is all the proof I need to know that this chick isn't Jamaican. J-Sexy has told me MANY times about the notorious homophobia rampant in Jamaica. Then again, being a lesbian is probably least of the reasons why Miss Cleo wouldn't dare show her face in Jamrock. Anyway, her dyke status is going to do nothing but add another dimension of awesomeness to interactions in the Surreal Life household.
I think now I can safely make, in the words of DJ Unk, some predictions like they Cleo's. I can make at least one, anyway: "Surreal Life 7" is going to be FUCKING AWESOME just because this hooker is on it. Between this, "The World Series of Pop Culture" with Pat Kiernan, "Rock of Love," and the upcoming "I Love New York 2," Vh1 is the official leader in trashy reality television that totally rules. I can't wait.
Labels: celebrities, crazies, hot chicks, I LOVE IT, J-Sexy, media whores, ridiculous absurdity, TV, Vh1
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Actually it is possible to come out as a Jamaican (I never said that!). Miss Cleo is obviously not Jamaican because of her accent and her lack of understanding of Jamaica in general. Her sexual orientaton has nothing to do with her lack of Jamaicaness.
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# posted by 
: 7/22/2007 3:34 PM
: 7/22/2007 3:34 PM Links to this post:
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