Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Alberto Gonzales
DOB: August 4, 1955
Occupation: U.S. Attorney General, asshole extraordinaire
Hometown: Humble, Texas
Current residence: Washington, D.C.
Douchebaggery: I guess if you overlook the illegal wiretapping, the summary firing of political opponents, the subversion of the right to habeas corpus, the declaring Geneva Convention passages pertaining to torture "obsolete", and the lying to Congress, Alberto Gonzales isn't a bad guy. Unfortunately, those things are all kind of difficult to overlook.
This motherfucker actually pretended to not remember his own middle name and said that "I didn't bestir myself to prepare for this hearing" during one of the chronic bouts of amnesia he suffers from whenever he sits his porky ass in front of the Senate. He doesn't remember anything he's ever written, done, or said, and he can't be bothered with explaining any of his actions because he has no idea why he does anything. Well, asshole, if you're so goddamn incompetent, then WHY ARE YOU THE FUCKING ATTORNEY GENERAL?! I mean, I don't think it's asking too much to expect the nation's lead prosecutor to remember his own middle name!
The whole incompetence act is just insulting. I don't appreciate being regarded by this bloated, toady yes-man as so stupid that I would buy the whole "I don't remember" excuse for pissing all over the Constitution. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss John Ashcroft. Sure, he was trying to jail dissidents, invade privacy, and read my e-mail too, but at least he was up front about being an evil, tyrannical, liberty-eroding dickhead. He also sang songs of his own composing about Jesus and America, and that entertained me. If I met John Ashcroft on the street, I'd compliment him on his musical stylings and request that the next time he gets together with Trent Lott and the other Singing Senators, they sing the barbershop quartet classic known as Rockapella's "Where In The World is Carmen Sandiego?" theme song. If I met Alberto Gonzales, on the other hand, I'd kick him in the balls and ask if that jogged his memory any.
Last night, Morrissey'sHair texted me to request that Alberto get Daily Douchebag honors, so I called him to ask why. Gonzales is like President Bush, Carrot Top, or Spencer from "The Hills"...such a gigantically obvious douchebag that I don't even need to point it out. He said, "Razzy, even ARLEN SPECTER called him a fucking liar!" Good point. Consider Alberto to be Douchebagged.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, Morrissey'sHair, politics, Trent Lott, tyrannical rulers
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