Friday, July 27, 2007

 

Daily Douchebag: Dylan Avery


Name: Dylan Avery

DOB: sometime in 1983

Occupation: 9/11 conspiracy theorist, "filmmaker", media whore

Hometown: Oneonta, New York

Current residence: Oneonta, New York--with his mom, most likely

Douchebaggery: In addition to loving Phish, being a two-time SUNY state film school reject, and having a righteous set of man-tits, Dylan Avery has distinguished himself by being the dipshit who brought America the Loose Change series of videos. Well, it's one video, but Dylan and his idiot friends have to spend a lot of time constantly editing it as their various inaccurate statements and copyright infringements keep getting pointed out and thus necessitate revision.

To save you the trouble of watching this pudgy loser painfully detail his myriad bits of supposedly conclusive proof about why the events of September 11th, 2001 were the result of a vast government conspiracy involving controlled demolition, I'll just summarize briefly: the government is behind 9/11. For unclear reasons, the entire US government, along with most of the aviation industry, decided to just up and fake the worst act of war on US soil since Pearl Harbor. These nefarious powers would have successfully fleeced us all if Dylan Avery hadn't gotten bored with scouring the internets for free porn and decided to work out the camcorder his mommy gave him for his last birthday.

The genesis of this whole video was Dylan Avery's second film school rejection. He came home, got his mail, and noticed with a groan that once again, the small envelope from the admissions office was waiting for him. He noted that yet again, his application was not so much as wait-listed, but spurned outright. He soothed his rage by whacking off to an old "X-Files" episode, then decided he was going to make his own damn movie, and those elitist pricks at SUNY Purchase can just get bent. However, rather than shoot any scenes besides him sitting pompously before his sticker-adorned laptop, he figured that he would just cut a bunch of footage from some documentary about 9/11 and make up a story about a government conspiracy. He called up a couple of his douchebag friends, and in the course of making this movie, they all started believing their own bullshit.

Now, in spite of the fact that he's an unemployed college reject who lives with his mom, he's an expert in things like the effect of jet fuel burning on structural steel and the whereabouts of a secret trillion dollar cache of gold bullion that was supposedly squirreled away in the WTC basement. He also loves to showcase his daft facial expressions and voluptuous figure at various conferences put on by these conspiracy nutjobs whenever possible:

Again, it's easy for him to show up wherever and whenever to spout his nonsensical bullshit for some crazy asshole's Podcast because he doesn't have a real fucking job. When he's not whoring himself out to the internet media circuit, he spends his time marketing himself and his friends as though they are some kind of edgy, badass, whistle-blowing rebels standing defiantly before Big Brother and demanding accountability:

PLEASE. Dylan et al can put on their smug, admonitory, we're-brave faces and Photoshop in blue-toned spooky mystique to their heart's content, but it still doesn't change the fact that they're ugly tools wearing ill-fitting, pleated Dockers and the only kind of pussy they ever get to hit looks like Cindy "Peace Mom" Sheehan. Maddox has already pointed out brilliantly that if Dylan really was onto something legitimate concerning a secret government plan to kill 3000+ American citizens despite an apparent lack of credible motive, the powerful plotters could shut him up any time they pleased, if not by killing him, then by shutting down his website. If I were the mastermind behind such a diabolical scheme, I certainly wouldn't sit idly by while some fucktard laid bare my super top secret, extraordinarily complicated plans for world domination from the comfort of his parents' basement. I'd take his ass out!

The problem with Dylan's propaganda is that there are a lot of people who want to believe it, and they tend to regard it as fact. One of my friends and I had a huge argument about it, as she declared the Loose Change video indisputable proof that it was a conspiracy, and questioned my logical abilities when I told her I thought it was bullshit. She called me closed-minded and implied that I'm a conformist sheep who believes everything the mainstream media tells me. She also said that the mainstream media was not "objective"...as opposed to Dylan and crew, who are COMPLETELY unbiased. I retorted that not only is that untrue (I'm a libertarian--my political philosophy requires a heaping helping of governmental mistrust), I'd still be more likely to believe the fact-checkers at the New York Times than some moron with a camcorder, a website, and a penchant for absurd, inventive reasons to mistrust the government. The fact is that it is MUCH more likely that the same terrorists who attacked the same target eight years prior went to tried-and-true terror tactics (hijacking planes), flew them into the damn buildings, and the ensuing fires caused the already damaged structures to destabilize and fall, rather than the entire government plotted to fake a bunch of hijackings, time those hijackings and building collisions perfectly with the detonation of preset explosives set secretly, and kill thousands of innocent Americans in the process FOR NO CONVINCING REASON.

In science, I often defer to a principle called Occam's razor, which basically suggests that the simplest solution is usually the correct one. Since they probably don't cover this in the high school rocks for jocks classes that were Dylan Avery's last exposure to the methods of rational discovery, it's safe to say that Dylan probably didn't have Occam's razor in his toolbox of detective principles available for application to his crack(ed out) analysis of the mechanics of the WTC collapse. He apparently also lacks any type of common sense, so I can see why his idiotic ass immediately gravitated toward the most unlikely, convoluted scenario as the only logical explanation for the tragedy of September 11th. Dylan makes Michael Moore seem impartial and accurate in comparison. He needs to shut up and get a real job.

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# posted by Razzy @ 6:44 AM
Comments:
THANK YOU! I hate these 9-11 conspiracy nuts too. Besides every time one of them opens their mouth, they give the Bushies more credibility in comparison. Shut up and call me when you get a life and your own place, tards.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 7/27/2007 11:51 AM
 
Do these conspiracy idiots actually make money with their dreamed up crap?
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 4/14/2008 7:27 PM
 
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