Monday, July 16, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Jessica Simpson
DOB: July 10, 1980
Occupation: Singer, actress, spokeswhore, dumbass
Hometown: Abilene, Texas
Current Residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: When it comes to being annoying, Jessica Simpson is a triple threat. She sings annoying songs (most of which are piss-poor covers of songs that were stupid to begin with such as Robbie Williams's "Angels"), she plays annoying characters opposite other annoying actors (Johnny Knoxville, Dane Cook) in annoying movies, and she is an annoying personality ubiquitously stinking up my E! celebrity countdown shows whether she's hanging with her creepy dad, arguing with her fucktarded sister about breath mints, hawking Proactiv solution, or hanging on the emotional, caterwauling, curly-haired sack of fug known as John Mayer. I don't know why this bitch is even famous in the first place.
I thought Jessica Simpson was lame back in 1999 when she was trying to compete with the hotness that was Britney and Xtina in their prime by being as unsexy as possible. Then she became a household name for being monumentally stupid on "Newlyweds," and I suffered through endless gossip blog news stories about how she claimed to have a genius IQ in spite of her lack of epicurean knowledge concerning chicken and tuna fish. Not that I'm any kind of Nick Lachey fan (something about him--whether his unnecessary tats or the sleeveless muscle shirts he favored to show them off--just screams "pencil dick" to me), but I was absolutely astonished that Nick could put up with her disabling ditziness and its accordant marketing for as long as he did. I would have been out the door the second that bitch's dad told me that I should take my public humiliation to the next level by doing "The Nick and Jessica Variety Hour."
Since her show went off the air on account of Nick and Jessica's unfortunate (but not for Nick) divorce, Jessica has spread her contagion throughout the media like never before. Since I would rather be anally electrocuted like a chinchilla at a fur farm than sit through a screening of Employee of the Month, I cannot for the life of me understand why films starring Jessica Simpson continue to get greenlighted, but it seems that there is a slice of America that just can't get enough of her giggling vacantly like an institutionalized and heavily medicated schizophrenic. The dumb prostitute can't act, and as her video for "These Boots are Made For Walkin'" from The Dukes of Hazzard proved, she's not even capable of writhing around in a bikini while washing the General Lee or serving draft beer in a trashtastic slut costume convincingly. I've seen porn stars with far more dramatic range and theatrical ability. Her latest shitshow is some remake of Working Girl called Blonde Ambition, and surely Melanie Griffith isn't losing any sleep over the prospect that her performance as a boss-fucking corporate whore might be overshadowed by Jessica Simpson's interpretation of it. I'm sure that's going to be a blockbuster, and by "Blockbuster" I mean the store and its straight-to-video section.
In addition to fancying herself as a master thespian, she's also under the delusion that she's some sort of aesthetic expert and fashion maven. I don't know about you ladies, but I'd just be thrilled to take style tips from a woman who dresses like this:
Most of the time, she looks like she either belongs in the chorus line of a drag show, giving rub-and-tugs at a dilapidated "massage parlor," or picking up her ugly, squalling brood from soccer practice, none of which are looks I'd care to emulate. She's also all over QVC, selling a bunch of shit that nobody in their right mind should want to buy. First she had a line of beauty products called Dessert that was supposed to taste good, like cupcake-flavored face masks and shit like that. All the ads showed her sucking some whipped cream-esque moisturizing mousse off her finger seductively, as though using Dessert products would make you as devastatingly delicious as her. Tell me, Jess, is that facial expression "Blue Steel" or "Magnum"?
Jessica is also designing all sorts of clothes, the latest being a collection of swimwear. Somehow I don't anticipate seeing much of this at the beach, as wearing hideous patterns and cuts that make even anorexic models look fat aren't in style this season (or ever):
Donatella Versace can rest easy, as I don't think Jess is going to be stealing any fashion awards from her anytime soon. I mean, waist fringe? Come ON.
Seriously, why does this hooker have enough of a market share to warrant the launch of all these shiteous products? I am aware that the world is full of stupid people, and that is presumably her consumer base, but does she really do well enough to warrant such a diverse onslaught of products? Jessica Simpson needs to find a new boyfriend or go discuss her tits with her creepy dad or whatever she does to occupy her spare time and just duck the fuck out of the spotlight before even the morons patronizing her brand wise up and realize what a bimbotic tool she is. Just go away, Jess!
Labels: Daily Douchebag, John Mayer sucks, media whores, sluts, stank vaginas
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