Wednesday, July 18, 2007

 

Daily Douchebag: Michael Vick


Name: Michael Dwayne Vick

DOB: June 26, 1980

Occupation: Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Fantasy scourge, EVIL DOG ABUSER

Hometown: Newport News, Virginia

Current residence: According to the grand jury indictment, somewhere in Surry County, Virginia

Douchebaggery: I didn't need to hear that Michael Vick was somehow involved in a "conspiracy to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and to sponsor a dog animal fighting venture" to think he was a fucktard. I could have pointed out his inconsistent and often pathetic passer ratings, his pointed lack of leadership skills, and the gross exaggeration of how "exciting" it is to watch Michael Vick. I will give it to him that he is very fast, and when he's having a good day, he can make for some good SportsCenter highlights. However, anyone who wants to go on and on about how consistently awesome it is to watch him must have been out shoe-shopping with his girlfriend on the Sundays the Vick spent the game fumbling the ball and getting sacked. I've also heard enough about how his arm is a cannon or rocket or ICBM or whatever type of impressive exploding projectile springs to mind; if his arm's so fucking great, he might directing its awesome power at one of his wide receivers occasionally. Even his damn Wikipedia page promulgates this misconception of Michael Vick as an invigorating burst of electrifying thrills: "Adding to Vick's exciting image, he stated after the 2004 season that he wouldn't cut his hair until he won a Super Bowl." Last time I checked that lying bitch's hair looked like this, and I'm confident that not only hasn't he abstained from trimming his braids for the last three years, but that he hasn't won a fucking Super Bowl, either.

For all his football-related transgressions, however, I can just get back at him by not drafting his unreliable "excitement" to stink up my weekly Fantasy roster. What I really hate him for is the dog thing. Look at that poor, sweet, worried-looking puppy Michael's holding...he's probably concerned that if he doesn't meet a grisly doom in the fighting pit at Bad Newz Kennels, he will be hanged, drowned, electrocuted, or beaten to death with all the power in Vick's "exciting" left arm. Unfortunately for that little dogger, it's highly likely that any of those options was his ultimate fate.

If anyone ever wanted to dispute Michael's critics who have accused him of being a bad leader with a lack of integrity, they need look no further than the facts surrounding his indictment by a federal grand jury. When his dog farm got busted, Michael Vick played like he didn't know anything about why there was bloody carpet everywhere, a fighting pit, and 66 mutilated, understandably mean pit bulls on the property. He distanced himself from Tony Thomas, Quanis Phillips, and Purnell Price, saying they were just some unspecified long-lost relatives who took advantage of his generosity and blah blah-selling out his co-conspirators-blah. As it turns out, the feds have plenty of paperwork proving that not only were these gentlemen his business partners, they apparently shared various duties of acquiring dogs, providing them with no food and unlimited viciousness lessons, and executing them for not "testing well." Someone should stomp on him with lethal force next week when Falcons training camp starts and he throws the first of this season's many incomplete passes that are only barely in the vicinity of Alge Crumpler. See how he likes it. The prosecution also has a bunch of witnesses who will testify that they saw Vick placing $40,000 bets on the dog abuse. It must really help take out one's pussified sensitivity to criticism from a bunch of guffawing ex-NFL players and scrawny balding sports journalists by forcing a bunch of helpless puppies to bite each other to death via torture and starvation tactics.

It's highly appropriate that Michael's operation was called "Bad Newz Kennels," because I think "Bad Newz" basically sums up the press this asshole is going to be getting for at least the next year. On a more practical note, I'd say he just went from "ill-advised" to "damn near untouchable" on the Fantasy draft tip. Good riddance.

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# posted by Razzy @ 4:42 AM
Comments:
MICHAEL VICK DOESN'T DESERVE TO EVER EVEN PET ANOTHER SWEET DOGGERSON EVER AGAIN. Speaking for that sagacious triumvirate Caese, Chongay! and EbenDeezers, Michael Vick can just go straight to hell - where I hope Cerberus and all his furry cronies will spend all of eternity chewing on him as he slowly dissolves like the big old grossie he is!!!!
# posted by Anonymous LL Cool Jew : 7/18/2007 2:12 PM
 
Yes, Michael Vick deserves an afterlife that's some kind of combination between a painting by Hieronymous Bosch and a kennel full of rabid Chingy!s who have all just finished eating a plate of baked beans and jalapeno peppers and have diarrhea. I'm assuming that's what you meant by Cerberus's "furry cronies." I mean, Cerberus can't spend all his time exacting mastication-mediated revenge, he's got to keep assholes from taking the trip back across the styx with old Charon. He's a dog with a job!

On a Michael Vick unrelated note, I was just thinking of you because I'm forcing J-Sexy to listen to the collected works of Lil' Kim right now, and she's pretending she doesn't like it.

After once again becoming enraged at Lil' Kim's faux patois about how she "no deals with cowards" in "Lighters Up", J-Sexy goes, "It's good that Lil' Kim has at least one fan left...you, Razzy."

I responded, "No, she's got TWO! LL Cool Jew feels me! Get your facks straight or SHUT UP, BITCH!"

J-Sexy just rolled her eyes and pronounced her...and you...and me (what else?) "ridicolos".
# posted by Blogger Razzy : 7/18/2007 2:42 PM
 
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