Thursday, July 12, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Senator David Vitter (R-LA)
DOB: May 3, 1961
Occupation: U.S. Senator from Louisiana, john
Hometown: New Orleans, Louisiana
Current Residence: New Orleans, Louisiana
Douchebaggery: Senator Vitter is a dashing Southern gentleman who, prior to a few days ago, was known for excellent leadership skills that included blatantly making stuff up about the situation in New Orleans immediately post-Katrina ("I don't want to alarm anybody that New Orleans is filling up like a bowl...that's just not happening") and vociferously opposing gay marriage on the grounds of supporting family values. However, thanks to the intrepid journalistic efforts of Larry Flynt, America now knows that "family values" also includes banging the hell out of high-priced hookers pimped by "DC Madam" Deborah Jeane Palfrey and "Canal Street Madam" Jeanette Maier.
I know that guys like Dave here are a bunch of two-faced liars (as politicians are wont to be), but there's nothing more satisfying than seeing some self-righteous prick get exposed as the hypocrite that he is. This is a man who has slung all sorts of rhetoric about how morally wrong gay marriage is, and went so far as to compare same-sex unions to hurricanes Katrina AND Rita in terms of destructive power. He's argued that the terrifying prospect of two people who happen to be the same gender making a lifelong commitment to one another undermines the venerable and perfect American family. Well, you know what else undermines the American family? HIRING HOOKERS TO FUCK YOU BEHIND YOUR WIFE'S BACK!
Of course, Vitter has already given a lame mea culpa via his PR flunky: "This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible. Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there - with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way."
Whatever. This dickhead wouldn't have said a damn word about it if Hustler didn't dig his phone number out of the DC Madam's black book. It's wise of him to apologize ahead of time, though, because in 2000 his wife had the following to say about Bill Clinton and the world's most famous blowjob: "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he [Vitter] does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me."
With all the prayer and marriage counseling, his wife has probably reconsidered making good on her threat of claiming his pecker as a trophy. Or maybe she meant that was what she would resort to if he cheated with a fat intern and not some random escort. I wish she would, though, because nothing would be better comeuppance than her cutting off his dick and shoving it into his mouth to stop the stream of moralizing bullshit issuing forth from it. I hope his hypocritical ass resigns.
Labels: assholes, comeuppance, Daily Douchebag, politics, President William Jefferson Clinton, sluts
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