Monday, July 30, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Shia LaBoeuf
DOB: June 11, 1986
Occupation: actor, "It Boy," annoying drag
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Current residence: LA, of course
Douchebaggery: Born from nomadic Cajun-Jewish carny parents descended from lesbian beat poets and Jewish comedians, Shia had lots of promise to be interesting rather than a colossal fucktard. Unfortunately, now that he's getting all kinds of buzz about being Hollywood's next big thing, he's about as annoying as they get. The pictures of him drinking Hpnotq out of the bottle and attempting to eat a fat kid merely scratch the surface of Shia The Beef's ability to be an obnoxious tool wherever he appears.
Since he has plenty of interview opportunities these days, he makes sure that he says something stupid and erroneously arrogant whenever possible. For example, after leaving his Disney channel show "Even Stevens," he said that working at Disney was great and all, but it was "dehabilitating for an actor." It is not insignificant to note that he hated school. Maybe if he'd been a little more on top of his studies, he wouldn't be adding extra syllables to "debilitating." He claims his career in show business was launched during his stint as a stand-up comic at the age of 10, and in order to fit in on the LA comedy club scene, his routine was extremely raunchy. He described his stage persona as a "world-weary Richard Pryor with a bowl cut." Oh no he DIDN'T just compare his ass at the tender age of 10 to Richard Fucking Pryor! For starters, I bet he didn't spend the bulk of his routine dropping N-bombs and highlighting racial tensions. In fact, this "X-rated" routine revolved primarily around his first wet dream.
His zingy one-liners about the perils of male pubescence have won him a number of film roles, almost all of which feature him as a sidekick who would be better off dead. For example, in I, Robot (which I hated anyway, as the plot was moronic, the robots were as scary as a Furby and just as vexingly repetitive, and it had Will Smith in it), I was praying that Shia's supporting street tough character would get ripped limb from limb by the armies of marauding robots. Sadly, he survived. In movies like Holes (which, despite the title suggesting pornography, is actually about juvenile delinquents and racism and was BOOOORRRRRIIIING) and Transformers where he has a more prominent lead role, you want to spend most of your time smacking him around for being an annoying pain in the ass. His next project, the unnecessary travesty of shameless Spielbergian greed that will be Indiana Jones 4, will see him attempting to be more fucking exasperating than Short Round from Indiana Jones and Temple of Doom. That's a pretty tall order, but if anyone is up for it, then it's certainly Shia.
Almost as though Hollywood knows that Shia the Beef is destined to gall audiences for decades to come, he has been proclaimed "The Next Tom Hanks."
Labels: assholes, celebrities, Daily Douchebag, media whores, movies
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