Monday, July 16, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Brandi M.
DOB: ???
Occupation: Prospective girlfriend of Bret Michaels
Hometown: Buffalo, New York
Current residence: Probably LA
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Unfortunately, I missed most of the premiere of "Rock of Love" last night because I was returning from the beach, where for once I didn't get a stupid sunburn, but did get stinking, staggering, obscenely drunk. As I was in the cab returning from the bar outside Penn Station where I furthered my inebriation with Rack and TheOldGuy, LL Cool Jew texted me, "One of these Rock of Love girls reminds me of you just from the previews...the one who says, 'I'm gonna get me some rocker ass!' and 'I'm a Scorpio...I'm ruled by my genitals!' Her name is Brandi M." I cursed myself for forgetting that I should have raced home to catch "Rock of Love" instead of staying at the bar to argue vehemently with Rack about Isaiah Washington.
For those of you not pathetically addicted to Vh1 "Celebreality" shows, "Rock of Love" is like "Flavor of Love," except instead of trying to winnow a batch of whores with bad weaves down to find William "Flavor Flav" Drayton's true love, it's trying to winnow a batch of whores with bad perms down to find Bret Michaels's true love. According to Vh1's website:
Since 1986 when MTV introduced the world to the blue-eyed lead singer of Poison, women around the world have worshiped Bret Michael's as a veritable Rock God. Never out of the spotlight, Bret's career is still rocking with Poison and as a successful solo artist and the women are still lining up in hopes of a lying down with the sexy star. But the demands of life-on-the-road for the ultimate rocker have taken a toll...on his love life.I love this description of Bret Michaels and the pitfalls of being his girlfriend. What are these "red carpets and awards shows" that Bret is not always attending? Who are these "famous friends" that these bitches will need to keep their cool around? C.C. DeVille was on the damn "Surreal Life", so I wouldn't be pissing myself with awe if he were to make a tenuously sober appearance at Bret's Hollywood Hills mansion. And exactly how will these hookers "contribute to his music"? Last time I checked, "Unskinny Bop" had already been written, and you know that along with "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," "Something to Believe In," and "I Want Action," nobody wants to hear Bret Michaels singing anything but that, so any contribution from these skanks is unnecessary. However, I think that Brandi M. will have no problem getting down and dirty with him doing "extreme sports" and look smokin' hot while doing so.
Twenty lucky ladies will get their chance for an All-Access pass to Bret Michaels' heart and to share in all his superstar lifestyle. Bret will invite twenty handpicked beautiful women to move into his rock and roll palace in the Hollywood Hills and compete for his heart. They must win over his mind and his body by proving their love for Bret, their passion for rock and their potential to be the perfect "Rock Star Girlfriend."
Each week, Bret will design challenges to test the girls' ability to adapt to the true rock 'n roll life. Not always red carpets and award shows, who will best adapt to life in a cramped, grungy tour bus with Bret and his roadie buddies? Who can handle the competition from outrageous, and sometimes hotter groupies? Who can keep her cool around his famous friends? Who can best contribute to his music? Who's not afraid to get down and dirty with him in one of his extreme sports competitions. And perhaps most vital - who will always look smokin' hot doing it?
(Razzy aside to Vh1: hire some web copy editors...your dumbass writers can't spell or properly place an apostrophe worth shit).
Apparently, LL Cool Jew's preview-based estimation of Brandi M. as a Razzy-alike was borne out by her behavior on the show. I got several progressively more excited text messages along the lines of "YOU ARE BRANDI M.! AND BRET MICHAELS LOVES IT!" and "Bret on Brandi M.: This girl shows there's gotta be something there after the bump bump!" I got home and caught the last few minutes, but unfortunately didn't get to see Brandi M. in action. However, according to Vh1, she is notable for being "single because there is too much temptation" and can fit her fist in her mouth. Obviously she's totally my kind of girl.
Also, she is from Buffalo, and I have yet to meet anyone from Buffalo that I don't want to bang the hell out of. I don't know if it's something in the water or the local chicken wing-based diet that presumably the locals are raised on, but people from Buffalo are always sexy as hell. There's this dude in grad school who is rated by every chick I've ever surveyed as one of if not THE hottest guy there (granted, that's not much of a contest, but he'd stand out in a room full of regular hot guys too). Adding to his sexiness is the fact that he's Catholic and an excellent fantasy football league treasurer. His good looks and good attitude about cheerfully taking many a JP Losman-related verbal jab are even sufficient to make me ignore his talk about hockey, which is my most-hated sport. One of my brother Lil Tevie's friends married a chick from Buffalo, and in addition to her being cute, she also had some hot friends. My sources (aka my mom) tell me that Lil' Tevie had one too many jello shots at their wedding and was macking it to these fine Buffalo ladies on the dance floor, which is a sight I am deeply sorry to have missed. Brandi M. is further evidence that for some unknown reason, Buffalo is an unlikely cornucopia of insanely fuckable people.
If you want to see Brandi M. in action, you can check out this "Rock of Love" preview. She is the one who cusses like a damn sailor and introduces herself by announcing, "I want to fuck Bret Michaels." Later on, she describes her female housemates with such a stream of profanity-laden invective that I have no idea what she actually said because most of it was bleeped. What a hot piece of trash. I love her.
Thank God Vh1 will probably be showing "Rock of Love" ad nauseum all week and I'll get to watch a full hour of this skank in action. Long live Brandi M.!
Labels: buttrock, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, sluts, TV, Vh1
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