Monday, July 02, 2007

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Briana Banks



Name: Briana Banks

Real Name: Briana Bany

Other Names: Mirage, Brianna Banks

DOB: May 21, 1978

Occupation: Porn star

Hometown: Munich, Germany

Current Residence: Los Angeles, CA and Shitsburgh, PA

Why I Want to Hit That Hotness: Lately I've had occasion to discuss my pornography-watching habits at length with several curious people. I think they were all surprised at how much porn I watch. It's not like I'm one of these losers who racks up hundreds of dollars whacking off to webcam whores or anything, but I definitely run up a modest bill of Adult On Demand every month, and it's worth every penny. Porn is awesome. I was talking to J-Sexy about it recently, and she was deeply impressed that I know a lot of porn stars' names. I was rattling off a list of porn stars and their various attributes: "I like Jenna, but everyone likes Jenna. You can't not like Jenna. However, her golden age has passed because girlfriend is looking BUSTED these days. Besides, I heard she had her shit tightened up at the surgeon's. The job was botched and word on the blogosphere is that her snatch is irreparably fucked. ..that's what you get for opting for discount vaginoplasty. Sunrise Adams is BOOOORRRRING. I like Savanna Samson because she's dirty. Nina Mercedez's body is out of control and I can see why she won the crown for Miss Nude Universe. I also like her rattlesnake tattoo. Jade and Nyomi Marcela are ugly. Chasey Lain needs to hang it up...she should have been put out to porn pasture long ago. I always confuse Kira Kener with Vanessa Minnillo, and that puts me off, because I think Vanessa Minnillo is a dumb bitch. Lexie Marie looks like a post-op M2F tranny. Carmen Luvana is really hot, but her implants are appalling. Vanessa Blue looks like Star Jones, and that's a big turnoff. Asia Carrera is a genius. I la-la-love Jesse Jane. Tera Patrick is fine, but her husband is so ugly that he ruins most of her movies. Dasha is hilarious when she tries to talk dirty straight out of her Czech-to-English dictionary."

J-Sexy just stared at me, open-mouthed. "Jesus, you're like an encyclopedia of porn stars. Which one is your favorite? Jenna?"

I love Jenna, but not only is her vagina apparently ruined, these days she's apparently wound up on the business end of a needle filled with Restalyne and meth. Jenna's mastery of the blow job is certainly worth mentioning, and she is the undisputed queen of fucking bitches with a strap-on, but she's not my favorite. For one thing, Jenna refuses to do interracial scenes on the grounds that it will hurt her career. Granted, the porn industry isn't known for racial sensitivity, but I find that unappealing regardless. What did Mr. Marcus or CunTre Pipes ever do besides be black (and have gigantic dicks) to warrant Jenna's refusal to work with them? I think that Jenna is a pussy not to fight racial segregation in the porn industry by example. I think old school Jenna is just fine, but my favorite would have to be this hot bitch, Jenna's sometime co-star, Penthouse Pet 2001, and Vivid contract girl extraordinaire: Briana Banks.
Briana Banks is awesome for a variety of reasons. First, and most important to her career as a porn star, she fucks like a demon, and there's basically nothing she won't do. Also, her legs are about ten miles long, and their long, slender loveliness makes watching her bending over with her face in another chick's crotch while being anally reamed seem almost refined and lovely. Briana also is one of the most gifted dirty-talkers in all of porn. She has this great inflection, and I could listen to her saying "fuck this" or "fuck that" for hours. There is this part in Happily Never After, which is sort of like Cinderella meets The Parent Trap with a healthy measure of getting facialized and double penetrated by her stepbrothers, where Briana says something along the lines of "Fuck this! I don't care how fucking cock-hungry my cum-slut whore of a mother is, I'll be FUCKED if I'm going to give up my little plaything. Get the FUCK over here, little plaything." Unfortunately, this awesome dialogue is then followed by a really boring lesbian scene with her Czech maid Dasha that I practically fell asleep during, but nonetheless, Briana gives great attitude. She can really get her bitch on, and being that I enjoy being a brash, mouthy cunt whenever possible, I think this is a most attractive quality.

Normally, I'd be turned off by Briana's tits, because I don't like fake tits. There are some porn stars--and Carmen Luvana is the first that springs to mind--who have such appallingly bad boob jobs that it's really distracting. The aforementioned Ms. Luvana will be on her back doing something appealingly perverse, and all I can see is the outline of her left breast implant, which seems to be migrating steadily in the direction of her sternum.
It looks awful and ridiculous, and it does nothing for me. Briana's boobs are no less fake-looking, but there's a backstory behind her tits that make me forgive it all. I was watching some compilation porn of hot girl-girl scenes, and it happened to have an annoying topless narrator who kept popping up to supply interesting factoids about the actresses. The only useful bit of information I learned from this was that when Briana had her watermelons installed, she asked the surgeon to place them as far apart as possible so she would stand out. If she has to have ugly fake jugs, at least she asked for them as ugly as possible so as to be remarkable.


You can tell that Briana loves her job. If you haven't ever seen this chick in action, then I'd refer you to what is arguably her most famous movie:

There is a scene in Briana Loves Jenna (which, on an aside, is totally my friend MillerTime's favorite movie ever) where Jenna just fucks the hell out of Briana's ass with a strap-on and you can clearly see that Briana is LOVING every minute of it. This is one of the best-selling pornos of all time and it's probably because nothing is better than seeing a porn star with such a deep level of dedication to her work. In some other movies of hers, she manages to make it seem as though she was born to have three dicks in her at once on the rust-stained tile floor of a dirty men's room, or that being tied down and fucked with a bowling pin during an aggressive lesbian gang-bang is her favorite thing ever. I applaud the gusto with which she performs her job. She gave up a thrilling job in insurance to make her first movie, and says she knew instantly that it was her calling.

Even though in interviews, Briana gives a lot of that typical porn star "I'm not really a slut, I'm actually a prude"-type of bullshit, you can read between the lines to see that she's exceptional. For one thing, when asked about her most embarrassing porn moment, she didn't blush or giggle and say "Um....I don't know, I guess my makeup ran one time" like you hear most of the bitches on Howard Stern doing. She baldly stated that, on account of being "new to the industry" and not having heard about enemas, she suffered the indignity of an "anal solid" during the filming of a particularly vigorous assfucking. She also won't take any bullshit when it comes to profiting by exploiting her image. She's currently literally suing the ass off of sex toy manufacturer Doc Johnson for making as many as ten unauthorized faux genitals modeled after her nether regions, when they were only supposed to make two. Nobody's fucking with Briana's vadge and asshole unless she's getting paid. You go, girl! Stack that paper!

Anyway, whether you're looking into experimenting with something more hardcore after you watched an old "Red Shoe Diaries" DVD and finding it enjoyable and fun, or whether you're a weathered old porn veteran like myself, I highly recommend anything involving Briana Banks. Her attitude is great, she's hot, she fucks like a rabid tiger, and, though I haven't even gotten into her sophisticated and refined tastes in fashion, I think anyone can agree that she wears really classy outfits:


Viva Briana Banks!

Labels: , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 7:58 AM
Comments:
Briana is hot, but she is no Belladonna. You should watch more of her movies, she's the nastiest bitch in all of porn.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 7/02/2007 11:55 AM
 
Haha..Razzy you are a cocksucker! If Jenna doesn't wanna bang ugly black dudes that's her choice (and a good one that is). Why must all white pornstars degrade themselves on an massive scale by screwing a black guy?!
# posted by Blogger   : 2/23/2009 3:11 PM
 
degrade themselves, it dumb assholes like you that degrade the human race. If they don't what to get with a brotha that's fine. They won't get my money. But for you to say it degrading is about as dumb ass you can get. It's assholes like you than make this world such a shitty place.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 9/20/2009 11:50 PM
 
So Then, Why Jenna Married and Had The Kids of a Latin Guy, Mr Whiteprider...? o¡o
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 12/20/2009 10:33 PM
 
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