Thursday, July 26, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Chris Hansen
DOB: March 26, 1959
Occupation: Dateline investigative reporter, predator catcher
Hometown: Lansing, Michigan
Current residence: New York, New York
Why I Want to Hit That Hotness: I have been a fan of Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator" series ever since I first saw an episode. If, for some reason, you live underneath a rock and have never heard of this show, it involves a bunch of decoys going into various chat rooms and pretending to be teenagers. They engage pedophile creeps in chats that usually unfold like this:
Piledriver69: so hai r u relly 13?Then the creep comes over and instead of a thirteen-year-old ready to get drunk on cheap strawberry wine and experiment with anal, they get Chris Hansen and all his morally righteous fury. After he toys with them--letting them give him a bunch of dumb excuses like "oh, I'm here to warn her about the dangers of meeting men online" or "we're just friends, we were just going to hang out" or (my personal favorite) "I want to mentor her"--before breaking out the chat transcripts and confronting them with their own poorly spelled solicitations. Chris Hansen will frown mightily while saying, "Mentor? You just said here that you were going to quote 'toss her salad and teach her how to suck cock like a pro ho'. Do YOU think it's right to mentor her in FELONY SEXUAL ASSAULT?"
Lonelyand13: ya lolz i just turned 13 i got a iphone 4 my bday!
Lonelyand13: insted of the parental attention i desperately need
Piledriver69: thats kewl
Piledriver69: so do u like 2 take it up the but?
Lonelyand13:i dont know wont it hurt?
Piledriver69: not the way i do it u will luv it i promise
Lonelyand13: i dont know lol it soundz skerry
Piledriver69: its really fun all ur girlfriends will b jelous
Lonelyand13: lol
Lonelyand13: okay can u bring over some dranks? roflmao!
Lonelyand13: my parents arent coming home 4 a day they hate me lolz
Piledriver69: sure baby l bring sum boones farm
Lonelyand13: lolz kewlio! *<(;-p
Most of the time, the predators make a break for it at that point. However, usually there's about fifteen cops outside camouflaged as various bushes, shrubs, and other features of the landscaping. These cops proceed to tackle the predator and haul his ass off to jail, and it is SO satisfying. I never get tired of TCaP.
In his career, Chris Hansen has exposed child slavery rings, terrorist arms dealers, child sex trafficking, puppy mills, and unsafe aviation practices, but none of these breaking stories approach the power and gravitas of TCaP. I'd send Chris Hansen an inappropriate instant message if I didn't think he'd respond by humiliating me on national television. Chris Hansen is super kewl.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, kewlness, TV
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I have seen blurbs on the net where people complain about the cops being to violent when they take these scumbags down. I'd say it is a combination of having to squat in a flower bed for hours and the fact that a lot of them have children of their own. Here's to Hansen's continued owning of these guys and the cops continued serving of sod sandwiches.
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