Friday, July 20, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Khia
Real Name: Khia Simone Finch Chambers
DOB: November 8, 1970
Occupation: Rapper, self-proclaimed "Queen of the South", advice columnist
Hometown: Tampa, Florida
Current residence: Still Tampa, Florida
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Khia had a hit song a few years back that you may remember called "My Neck, My Back." I always found that song amusing because Khia's tone throughout the song was so blase and bored, considering the lyrics focus almost entirely on cunnilingus and rim jobs. I thought it was really funny that she could say lines like "lick it now, lick it good, suck that pussy just like you should...my neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack" in much the same way one would recite a shopping list or the itemized deductions on a tax return. Khia's self-appointed status as "Queen of the South" has yet to be validated, since to date "My Neck, My Back" remains her only hit single. Apart from inspiring the sublime Todd "Too $hort" Shaw to write a song called "My Dick, My Sack" to equalize what he clearly felt was a one-sided plea for oral ("I know you ladies pop that pussy so quick,but now it's time to make sure you suck this dick, wavin' yo hands all up in the air, better recognize when you see a real player"), Khia hasn't done much besides talk all sorts of shit about her nemeses Katrina Le'verne "Trina" Taylor and Angela "Jacki-O" Kohn, on the basis that they too have declared their monarchic sovereignty over the southeastern U.S.
Khia may have taken Trina's advice, because she got a gig as Hood Magazine's resident advice columnist, providing kernels of wisdom about paternity tests, relationships, and careers.
Tough love is indeed what Khia provides. I guess she's a lot better at giving than taking advice, though, because I'm sure at some point someone told her to hike up those saggy sweater puppies with a bra! I'm glad she's got natural tits, but her girls are practically flopping on the table. Anyway, Khia's breasts are beside the point, because her advice transcends them. It is right on the fucking mark.
To Leshel, a young lady involved with an older, married man, Khia asks, "that's all it takes to get in your panties is a joy ride and some shoes?" and advises Leshel, "love yourself, hoe. Hello?!"
To Jason, a guy who took issue with Khia's disrespecting men who frequent gentlemen's clubs, she responds, "everybody don't hang out in strip clubs but there are a lot of pimps, hoes, tricks, simps, lames, drug dealers, perverts, stalkers, niggas cheating on they bitch, bitches cheating on they niggas, fucking, head giving, trappin, flossing, frontin, snitches, bitches, undercover cops watching, haters robbing, non-rapping ass niggas, and thugs in the strip club." Then she continues to say that strip clubs are fine so long as you understand they are a breeding ground for all the aforementioned ne'er-do-wells and not the place to meet a respectable lady (like her), noting "shit, I love strip clubs too, but I didn't meet my nigga there. Come on now, if the Air Forces don't fit, don't put them on."
To Mike, a man with a long-time girlfriend who isn't putting out, she says "this sounds like some Jerry Springer shit" and notes that something isn't quite right with this situation. Or in Khia's words, "something in the milk ain't clean." Dear God.
To CBF AKA Lil' Momma, a woman who is scared to tell her incarcerated boyfriend's that the rims were stolen off the car he let her use while indisposed at the expense of Dade County, Khia cuts right through the bullshit: "Now let's just keep it hooD--did you sell the rims?"
To Fucked in the HooD, a guy who may or may not have knocked up his sketchy, condom hole-piercing fuck buddy, she advises him to ask around: "Do you know her fucking any other niggas you know, the streets don't lie." Then she tells him to suck it up and cope until the paternity results come back, because "you'll look like a real ass nigga who stepped up to the plate and she'll look like a nasty whore that needs Muarry (Povich) to find her REAL baby daddy...You Are Not The Father!!!"
To B13 Boo, a woman with a deadbeat boyfriend she calls Dumbass, Khia advises her to get a job and set a good example. "Get ya own shit and then a nigga is gonna have to step his game up or get gone cause you only gonna attract a real nigga once you doing it big for yourself...Yall both better be out there getting money." Then she notes, "Damn I hate a lazy thug."
And finally, my favorite. To Curios Georgette, a woman who thinks she might be a lesbian, Khia advises a threesome. First, according to Khia, Georgette doesn't want to get the reputation of being "called all kinds of dike bitches," and second, "after all that pussy sucking and bumping, you and that chick gone be glad your man was there." Having done some pussy-bumping myself, I can attest that at least in my case, that's true. Khia, however, takes it to the next level with the quote of the century: "I mean, come on, who wants plastic dick when you can have the real thing hot and hard?" **Snicker**
I had no idea Khia was such a sage. Her tits might look like giant sacks of warm silly putty and her rap career might be stalled like a beater car, but I think she may be the greatest advice giver of all time. Seriously. She's encouraging people to use common sense, love themselves, take responsibility for their actions, and be respectful, but she's doing so in a way that is much, MUCH more compelling than any bullshit Dear Abby or Ann Landers ever could sling. I think I have to buy a subscription to Hood Magazine. I require the wisdom of the Thugmisses oracle on the regs.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Dirrty Dirrty, I LOVE IT, rap
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