Thursday, July 19, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Nick Nolte
DOB: February 8, 1941
Occupation: Actor, model (!-according to his Wikipedia page), wannabe homeless man
Hometown: Omaha, Nebraska
Current Residence: Malibu, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Okay, it's not really fair to say that I actually really want to hit Nick Nolte for his "hotness", although I did put that old picture of him above up to show that indeed he could clean up pretty well, at least if "cleaning up well" means looking like a 70s porn star swirling a glass of Franzia chablis (hey, it turns ME on). He also doesn't look too bad as an intense coach getting ready to yell at Shaq on the Blue Chips DVD cover, and appearing in that film shows he certainly has a sense of humor about himself, which is always an attractive quality. Nick Nolte looks busted as hell most of the time, but that's precisely why I want to do him. You know he doesn't give a fuck.
Nick Nolte is about as dedicated a drunk as I've ever seen, and he loves every minute of it. He's not acting like he should be ashamed. He was expelled from his first high school because he buried beer in the football field, then dug it up and drank it during practice (he played placekicker and thus had to find some way to pass the time). His love of the sauce became notorious once he hit Hollywood. Once Katherine Hepburn remarked that he had fallen into every gutter in town, causing him to retort, "I've got a few to go yet." He treats his alcoholism like a degree from Harvard: it's his pride and joy, and he is entirely unashamed.
Really, you have to have a complete lack of humility to go out drinking and GHB-ing rocking this style:
Just the other day, Nick was caught napping on the floor of the Kauai airport after his flight was delayed. You have to be REALLY fucked up to sleep on an airport floor. Those floors are uncomfortable even to sit on. They're so hard I wonder if they're made partly of diamond. But he just settled down to sleep off the mai tais he probably drank on the way to catch his flight, like any random bum I might see on an A train:
I can ignore the Mad Dog 20/20-soaked vagrant wrapping because deep inside, Nick Nolte's got it going on. He doesn't give a damn about anything, and I bet that it's because he's got a fucking Burmese python between his legs. He's probably one of the hottest lays in Hollywood. Give him a Viagra for his whiskey dick and a couple rails of meth and he probably fucks like a rabid tiger. I'm dead serious. In my experience, it's always the guys who you think are going to absolutely suck in bed (drunk, ugly, old, badly dressed, badly groomed) who wind up blowing your mind. They don't care, so they don't try too hard. Most guys--especially the pretty ones--all are trying to overcompensate for whatever (usually a slender and/or short penis), at the expense of my orgasm. It's the guys who don't need to care, and who extend that unabashed nonchalance to the rest of their personalities who are the hottest, most uninhibited lays on the planet. I'm definitely getting that vibe from Nolte. I don't care if he is thirty-seven years older than me and appears indigent...I'd put a bag over his head (or in the absence of a bag, do him doggystyle, reverse cowgirl, or wheelbarrow) so as to keep his appearance from turning me off and probably have the best sex of my life. For real.
Labels: alcoholism, celebrities, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, movies
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