Monday, July 09, 2007
Double the DVD hotness
I was dicking around on the internets and saw that this week, my checking account is going to be a little bit emptier because of not one but two DVD releases that I just got overwhelmingly excited about.
First is a show that I had completely forgotten about, which is an inexcusable lapse of judgment on my part. I used to jam on this crap when I was like nine, because who wouldn't love a show about a gutsy lady district attorney fighting crimes with and secretly pining for a subterranean lion creature named Vincent? Yes, folks, "Beauty and the Beast" has dropped on DVD! Apparently season 1's been out for awhile (surprisingly I have not seen this prominently displayed at my local Best Buy), but now season 2 is being released in its entirety.
In case you weren't the world's biggest loser like me and have forgotten the plot of this show, let me refresh. Linda Hamilton plays a New York City ADA who gets kidnapped by these dudes in some sort of East New York-ish looking neighborhood who offer to hail a cab for her. They cut up her face and are about to rape her when some thing that can best be described as an unholy combination of traveling minstrel, homeless guy, Phish devotee, and Thundercat jumps into their windowless cargo van and lays a world of hurt on some face-stabbing, would-be rapist loser ass. Then he takes the unconscious Linda Hamilton to his abandoned subway tunnel lair, where he lives along with an assortment of other mole people. The lair looks like a combination of a quaint Tuscan village and a 19th century Paris salon, and all the mole people are intellectuals, with Vincent being the smartest and most sensitive of them all. He writes poetry, paints, plays piano, and favors sweeping velvet cloaks, and also has a pretty good ability to perform slashed face repair with the precision and aesthetic sense of the world's finest plastic surgeon.
At first she is afraid, but then ADA Linda Hamilton grows to realize how special Vincent is and agrees to keep his identity secret once she returns to the world above and resumes her work as a prosecutor. Occasionally she calls for Vincent psychically to help her out with her more sticky cases, particularly if said cases involve voodoo, witchcraft, aliens, wizards, or some other supernatural phenomenon. Because he's smitten with her, Vincent can always tell when she's in trouble and rushes to her aid, depending on how the trains are running. His favorite method for traveling through NYC is by subway...ON TOP of the subway. Vincent would leap on the top of his local train and get to Catherine in like 2 seconds. I guess he lived by an express train and never had to get crosstown in order to save her.
Anyway, with all his showing up in the nick of time, Linda Hamilton starts to have strange feelings for Vincent, and most of the show involved her struggles with deciding whether or not to hook up with Vincent in spite of his feline appearance, penchant for tattered tunics, leather hauberks, and other choice feminine, faux-medieval selections from Rutger Hauer's old Ladyhawke wardrobe, and Air Supply hairstyle. There's a lot of hot woman-lion face-nuzzling and a LOT of emotional processing while she ponders whether or not to go for it:
Eventually I think there's some light making out between the two, and I don't know what happened then. I think the show got canceled. If I were Linda Hamilton's character, I would just be furious that after sucking face with his deviated septum, Vincent was not transmogrified into a hot prince or something. Apparently Vincent wasn't under some sort of spell; he always was and always will be an effeminate yet benevolent mythic creature squatting in an empty subway tunnel with a bunch of other freak outcasts. God, if I were Linda Hamilton, I would dump his ass. I mean, look at this guy! This is not look the king of the concrete jungle should be rocking.
Pardon the bad pun, but Vincent is a total pussy. Who would want to hook up with this asshole?! And where did he get these pictures done, the Glamour Shots booth at the Puyallup Fair? I bet he's all pillow talk and no fucking. BOOOORRRRRIIING. If I wanted that, I'd go find a girlfriend at Smith College. On second thought, Vincent's probably better looking than any hooker there, but still I'm not feeling his feline Fabio thing. I don't give a damn how good his poetry is, I'd pass on that furry fringe-loving mess. However, I probably won't pass on the DVD because "Beauty and the Beast" is just the type of nostalgic, ridiculous, late-80s trash that I love.
And speaking of ridiculous trash from the '80s, I saw that the special edition DVD I ordered months ago also drops tomorrow. Right after the 4th of July, while my patriotism is riding high...oh hell yes, it's RED DAWN!
WOLVERINES! If those images alone did not compel you to start shouting "USA! USA! USA!" and seeking some commie ass to put a cowboy boot in, then you are either a foreigner or a crappy American. I've already discussed the rocking asskickery that is Red Dawn at length, but to just give you a teaser, here's a quick summary of the plot. Since those ungrateful pussies in western Europe decided "to sit this one out" (according to a curmudgeonly old militia survivalist guy in the movie), all of us freedom-loving Americans get fucked by a surprise Russian-Cuban invasion, including lots of vodka-swilling and cigar-smoking soldiers performing mass executions and some light nuclear strikes where warranted. Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Charlie Sheen, Lea Thompson, and Jennifer Grey don't take kindly to these Red sons-a-bitches suppressing basic human rights all over Colorado, and decide to orchestrate a guerilla terrorist insurgency. Scenes in this movie include C. Thomas Howell in full pseudo-Mujahadeen gear lobbing grenades at Soviet tanks, Patrick Swayze setting up ambushes looking like Puck (Shakespearean forest sprite, not the asshole from "Real World: San Francisco") with an automatic assault rifle, Lea Thompson planting fertilizer bombs at "Soviet-American Friendship Reeducation Centers", and everyone constantly shrieking "WOLVERINES!" It's the dopest.
Now I'll stop because undoubtedly everyone has to go DVD shopping and buy "Beauty and the Beast
" and Red Dawn. They are the hottest shit at Amazon this summer.
[RAZZY UPDATE: It's like AMC agrees with me! Red Dawn is on TV right NOW! AWESOME!]
First is a show that I had completely forgotten about, which is an inexcusable lapse of judgment on my part. I used to jam on this crap when I was like nine, because who wouldn't love a show about a gutsy lady district attorney fighting crimes with and secretly pining for a subterranean lion creature named Vincent? Yes, folks, "Beauty and the Beast" has dropped on DVD! Apparently season 1's been out for awhile (surprisingly I have not seen this prominently displayed at my local Best Buy), but now season 2 is being released in its entirety.
At first she is afraid, but then ADA Linda Hamilton grows to realize how special Vincent is and agrees to keep his identity secret once she returns to the world above and resumes her work as a prosecutor. Occasionally she calls for Vincent psychically to help her out with her more sticky cases, particularly if said cases involve voodoo, witchcraft, aliens, wizards, or some other supernatural phenomenon. Because he's smitten with her, Vincent can always tell when she's in trouble and rushes to her aid, depending on how the trains are running. His favorite method for traveling through NYC is by subway...ON TOP of the subway. Vincent would leap on the top of his local train and get to Catherine in like 2 seconds. I guess he lived by an express train and never had to get crosstown in order to save her.
Anyway, with all his showing up in the nick of time, Linda Hamilton starts to have strange feelings for Vincent, and most of the show involved her struggles with deciding whether or not to hook up with Vincent in spite of his feline appearance, penchant for tattered tunics, leather hauberks, and other choice feminine, faux-medieval selections from Rutger Hauer's old Ladyhawke wardrobe, and Air Supply hairstyle. There's a lot of hot woman-lion face-nuzzling and a LOT of emotional processing while she ponders whether or not to go for it:
And speaking of ridiculous trash from the '80s, I saw that the special edition DVD I ordered months ago also drops tomorrow. Right after the 4th of July, while my patriotism is riding high...oh hell yes, it's RED DAWN!
Now I'll stop because undoubtedly everyone has to go DVD shopping and buy "Beauty and the Beast
" and Red Dawn. They are the hottest shit at Amazon this summer.[RAZZY UPDATE: It's like AMC agrees with me! Red Dawn is on TV right NOW! AWESOME!]
Labels: I LOVE IT, movies, Razzification, TV, United States of Asskickery
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Dude, now that's a blast from the past! I remember that show when I was a kid in the UK. They'll bring anything out on DVD these days..
Of course, if LadyHawke is out, I'm off to Best Buy.
Want to start a campaign for Manimmal's release? Perhaps not eh?
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Of course, if LadyHawke is out, I'm off to Best Buy.
Want to start a campaign for Manimmal's release? Perhaps not eh?
# posted by 
: 7/16/2007 3:08 PM
: 7/16/2007 3:08 PM Links to this post:
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