Tuesday, July 10, 2007
The latest on the backdoor front
Yesterday while I was reading the Details article about Daniel "Dirty Harry Potter" Radcliffe, I couldn't help but notice this amusing photograph attached to an article about society's changing mores concerning anal sex.
Being that I have the maturity of a nine-year-old boy (as evidenced by my fucking ridiculous excitement about Transformers, which I still haven't seen because my friends are all too mature and adult to suffer through it, except Rack and she already saw it with her boyfriend and his teenage son), I immediately snickered out loud at this picture. Once I stopped giggling, I went ahead and read the article.
Basically, the article states that "late-twentysomething, Amstel Light-drinking America" is way more into anal than they used to be, and even quotes Dan Savage's decree that "anal is the new oral." Apparently, nowadays even educated, sophisticated men aren't above demanding anal on the first date, and think that if a girl's ass isn't open for business, then she's not relationship material.
This is news? Granted, I am not exactly what most people would call prudish, but I popped my anal cherry almost a full decade ago. I used to be all squeamish about it, but my college boyfriend Benzo pestered me about it for so long--in spite of all my many microbiology-based arguments that it was a bad idea--that I finally relented. During my junior year I finally gave him a backstage pass, and I have to say that it wasn't nearly as awful as I thought it would be. It was only marginally gross and not painful, as I had feared. I enjoyed pleasing my partner, and the whole experience was very erotic. I like men to dominate me, so I enjoyed the feeling of vulnerability discussed at length in the article. However, it didn't drive me wild either, and I established that anal is like eclairs...they're delicious on occasion, but don't expect them every day for breakfast.
Since Benzo, I've certainly not denied other dudes ass-access. I've even done so on a first date (and "date" is defined EXTREMELY loosely, and can mean "occasion where I allowed a dude to buy me a few dranks, escort me home to my crib, and tuck me in to bed with his penis"). One thing I have noticed about anal, though, is it's not something you can really do without a little preparation, and the same can't be said for a standard garden-variety BJ. This article totally missed this important point. On situations where I've been caught unprepared for this, it has resulted in what can most delicately be described as an embarrassing mess.
For all the guys who just read that and are wincing and saying, "Gross! Why are you ruining it for us, Razzy?!", let me just say that those are the fucking unpleasant facts of anal sex. The mechanics of the act are such that if a girl is not ready for it, you might just end up with a literal shitshow on your dick. I can thus understand why porn stars are probably the world's largest enema market next to old people with bowel problems. People need to understand this. If you can't deal with the possible repercussions, then you're probably not ready to be giving or taking it up the butt.
It's not that most women are afraid of anal hurting, or that they've never done it before. I'd be willing to bet that even more women have done it than the 35% of chicks admitting it to the CDC cited in the Details article. And if they haven't, many if not most are probably at least a little curious about it. However, I would say a MAJOR deterrent for most women is the prospect of their bodily waste making an appearance in the bedroom. Since most women take years to so much as fart quietly in front of their boyfriends, the possibility that actual shit could show up is a mortifying, appalling thought (even to shameless bitches like myself). The majority of chicks (and dudes) do not find shit on the sheets to be a big turn-on, and in fact, it can be an otherwise gastrointestinally disturbing horrorfest, as in this anecdotal tale from Tucker Max.
Another thing this article missed is that, most of the time, in order for a girl to get off (as in actually have an orgasm) during anal sex, guys need to give a bitch a reach-around. Ladies do not have prostates, so unless she has oddly-placed nerve ganglia, you'll do her a big favor by being gentlemanly enough to rub one off for her while you're pounding her back door. Never mind what you've seen in porn that might lead you to believe anal drives women physically wild. Porn would also lead you to believe that a chick getting her strap-on sucked is sufficient to induce a screaming climax, but that's not true either. If you want to make sure you can play her back nine again, then you'd be well-advised to not forget about her fucking clit while you're doing it.
It's not like I'm some expert on anal, and I realize that Details is a magazine for men and is more focused on the "yo bra, give me daps!"-aspects of buttfucking, but if it's indeed true that anal is the new oral, these key issues need to be addressed. So take heed, and don't forget the lube (and NOT the KY Warming kind...that stuff makes you itch and burn like you've caught some type of instantaneous clap, and leaves grease stains on sheets--I learned the hard way). But yeah, lube's important, too.
Basically, the article states that "late-twentysomething, Amstel Light-drinking America" is way more into anal than they used to be, and even quotes Dan Savage's decree that "anal is the new oral." Apparently, nowadays even educated, sophisticated men aren't above demanding anal on the first date, and think that if a girl's ass isn't open for business, then she's not relationship material.
This is news? Granted, I am not exactly what most people would call prudish, but I popped my anal cherry almost a full decade ago. I used to be all squeamish about it, but my college boyfriend Benzo pestered me about it for so long--in spite of all my many microbiology-based arguments that it was a bad idea--that I finally relented. During my junior year I finally gave him a backstage pass, and I have to say that it wasn't nearly as awful as I thought it would be. It was only marginally gross and not painful, as I had feared. I enjoyed pleasing my partner, and the whole experience was very erotic. I like men to dominate me, so I enjoyed the feeling of vulnerability discussed at length in the article. However, it didn't drive me wild either, and I established that anal is like eclairs...they're delicious on occasion, but don't expect them every day for breakfast.
Since Benzo, I've certainly not denied other dudes ass-access. I've even done so on a first date (and "date" is defined EXTREMELY loosely, and can mean "occasion where I allowed a dude to buy me a few dranks, escort me home to my crib, and tuck me in to bed with his penis"). One thing I have noticed about anal, though, is it's not something you can really do without a little preparation, and the same can't be said for a standard garden-variety BJ. This article totally missed this important point. On situations where I've been caught unprepared for this, it has resulted in what can most delicately be described as an embarrassing mess.
For all the guys who just read that and are wincing and saying, "Gross! Why are you ruining it for us, Razzy?!", let me just say that those are the fucking unpleasant facts of anal sex. The mechanics of the act are such that if a girl is not ready for it, you might just end up with a literal shitshow on your dick. I can thus understand why porn stars are probably the world's largest enema market next to old people with bowel problems. People need to understand this. If you can't deal with the possible repercussions, then you're probably not ready to be giving or taking it up the butt.
It's not that most women are afraid of anal hurting, or that they've never done it before. I'd be willing to bet that even more women have done it than the 35% of chicks admitting it to the CDC cited in the Details article. And if they haven't, many if not most are probably at least a little curious about it. However, I would say a MAJOR deterrent for most women is the prospect of their bodily waste making an appearance in the bedroom. Since most women take years to so much as fart quietly in front of their boyfriends, the possibility that actual shit could show up is a mortifying, appalling thought (even to shameless bitches like myself). The majority of chicks (and dudes) do not find shit on the sheets to be a big turn-on, and in fact, it can be an otherwise gastrointestinally disturbing horrorfest, as in this anecdotal tale from Tucker Max.
Another thing this article missed is that, most of the time, in order for a girl to get off (as in actually have an orgasm) during anal sex, guys need to give a bitch a reach-around. Ladies do not have prostates, so unless she has oddly-placed nerve ganglia, you'll do her a big favor by being gentlemanly enough to rub one off for her while you're pounding her back door. Never mind what you've seen in porn that might lead you to believe anal drives women physically wild. Porn would also lead you to believe that a chick getting her strap-on sucked is sufficient to induce a screaming climax, but that's not true either. If you want to make sure you can play her back nine again, then you'd be well-advised to not forget about her fucking clit while you're doing it.
It's not like I'm some expert on anal, and I realize that Details is a magazine for men and is more focused on the "yo bra, give me daps!"-aspects of buttfucking, but if it's indeed true that anal is the new oral, these key issues need to be addressed. So take heed, and don't forget the lube (and NOT the KY Warming kind...that stuff makes you itch and burn like you've caught some type of instantaneous clap, and leaves grease stains on sheets--I learned the hard way). But yeah, lube's important, too.
Labels: gross, oh the horror, perversion, sex
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