Tuesday, July 17, 2007
The Leaky Internets
I saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix on Saturday, and it represents the only time that something so prominently involving children made me so deliriously, outrageously, ludicrously excited. I went to see it in IMAX 3-D with a cadre of geeky friends, and it was completely mind-blowing. Apart from the fact that I still have major issues with Helena Bonham Carter's cackling, I'll-get-you-my-pretty interpretation of Bellatrix Lestrange, I about pissed myself when Dumbledore smoked some Dark Lord ass in the Ministry of Magic lobby. I also noticed a strange watery sensation around my eyes when Bellatrix committed cousin-icide against Sirius, and realized I was dangerously close to actually crying. I was surprised because usually I reserve my spare tears for movies where tragedy befalls dogs. Anyway, the movie clearly shook me to my core, and filled me with an insatiable lust for MORE HARRY POTTER. As soon as the movie was over, FalloniusMonk, Rack, TheOldGuy, and myself made our way to the nearby Barnes and Noble to reserve our copies of book seven. We plan on staking that shit out--complete with covert liquor--to get our books Saturday at midnight (and I plan on staying up all night reading it). However, it seems that braving a crowded store full of children in Gryffindor colors might be unnecessary, because the book has LEAKED ON THE INTERNET!
I was initially alarmed, because I didn't want to download a leaked copy only to find out that it's just the end of the book. As tempted as I am to find out who dies (please, God, don't let it be hot-ass Hermione...she's too smart to die!), I don't want to read the end of the book until I've read the previous seven hundred odd pages. I've got to know how Harry manages to find and destroy all of Voldemort's other Horcruxes first! Besides, I've also made my predictions about what's going to happen in this book, and I have to see every last one validated. These predictions are as follows:
-Harry realizes that Kreacher is hoarding the locket Horcrux stolen by R.A.B.--aka Regulus Black--right under his nose in the damn Hogwarts kitchen, and then breaks his usual tradition of tolerating how fucking annoying house elves are by shoving his holly and phoenix feather wand straight up that godfather-betraying, mudblood-hating bigot's ass.
-Hermione finally gets it on with Ron Weasley, a scene which, given how long the sexual tension has been building between those two, will probably result in them having dirty, ass-smacking, furniture-toppling, owl-mediated ruckus-causing, back-scratching, hematoma-inducing, shrieking orgasm-producing sex on top of Ron's Chudley Cannons bedspread back at the Burrow while Harry, Ginny, and whichever other Weasleys are around are out helping Mrs. Weasley degnome the garden.
-Petunia Dursley finds out she also has magical powers, is nearly killed by Uncle Vernon who fears the neighbors will find out, escapes on the Knight Bus, and finds solace at Hogwarts, where she is appointed the most incompetent Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher in the school's millenium-long history.
-Voldemort storms the Ministry of Magic with a shitload of giants and dementors, and Percy Weasley dies fleeing like the pussy he is. Rufus Scrimgeour then conspires with Rita Skeeter to figure out a way to blame it all on Harry.
-Neville Longbottom gets offed by a well-placed Avada Kedavre curse performed by Narcissa Malfoy (because Draco was supposed to do it, but once again got cold feet), but not before he takes out Bellatrix Lestrange and avenges the permanent catatonic state she put his parents into by torturing them with the Cruciatus Curse. He manages to kill her by harnessing his adept skills at herbology and feeding her to the Venemous Tentacula in Hogwarts greenhouse three, Little Shop of Horrors style.
-Bill Weasley turns into a werewolf on his wedding night and bites the shit out of his irritating French bride Fleur. She survives, and thanks to her Veela heritage, is the most alluring werewolf ever.
-Hagrid dies. Homeboy can hold his own with dragons, acromantulas, hippogriffs, blast-ended skrewts, and giants, but his pink umbrella/covert broken wand is no match for the Imperius Curse placed on him by the former Ministry executioner MacNair that makes him stroll into the Forbidden Forest and stand still while talking mad shit to the angry Centaurs living in there.
-Harry, after spitting some seriously Schwarzenegger-esque vengeance-themed smack talk in Parseltongue to Voldemort's snake (and probable Horcrux) Nagini, kills her, turns her into an extremely pimped-out set of boots, and suddenly is the most popular piece of ass at Hogwarts in spite of the fact that practically everyone he knows ends up dead.
-Tonks discovers that werewolvery, like most blood-borne diseases, can be spread in other ways besides biting when she and Remus Lupin do the nasty in the coat closet at number twelve, Grimmauld Place after a particularly late, oak-matured mead-saturated Order of the Phoenix meeting. She and Fleur start a support group for women who have been infected with an incurable chronic disease by their male partners.
-Madam Rosmerta gets sent to Azkaban, not because she tried to deliver the cursed necklace or the poisoned mead to Dumbledore (she was Imperiused by Malfoy, so that's excusable), but because she's such a damn cocktease that finally the men of Hogsmeade had enough and successfully lobbied the Wizengamot to convict her on the basis of being too sexually distracting to be legal. She is, however, released after the men of Hogsmeade all realize they're now stuck hanging out at Madam Puddifoot's when the Hog's Head gets closed due to health code violations. Madam Rosmerta may be stacked and not putting out (I suspect it's because she likes the snatch, and you can't blame a hot bitch for that), but the closing of the Three Broomsticks is a far more terrible fate than coping with her unavailability for sex.
-Harry gets so sick of hearing about how he has his mother's eyes that he gets purple colored contacts. He goes back to the glasses once he realizes how fucking stupid and unnatural he looks.
-Snape reveals that he's not on anyone's side, and that he killed Dumbledore to get back at him for refusing to promote him out of the Potions dungeon for all those years. Then he moves to Capri and forces Draco Malfoy to swim around naked with him all the time like one of Tiberius's minnows. Consequent to his depraved instincts and the ensuing years of sexual abuse, Draco grows up to be the wizarding world's equivalent of Caligula.
These are just the main predictions I've made. I've got a lot more that I will spare you, because they are indicative of the depth to which my Harry Potter insane nerdiness goes. What it all comes down to is that I couldn't handle reading the leaked part of the book if it just skipped to the big finish without proving to me how right I am about what's going to happen. Besides, reading the end of a book without the rest is like an orgasm without the preceding sex. It's fine and enjoyable, but it would be better with a little context. So fuck the leaked Harry Potter...the wait will make the pleasure of the real thing all the more enjoyable.
I was initially alarmed, because I didn't want to download a leaked copy only to find out that it's just the end of the book. As tempted as I am to find out who dies (please, God, don't let it be hot-ass Hermione...she's too smart to die!), I don't want to read the end of the book until I've read the previous seven hundred odd pages. I've got to know how Harry manages to find and destroy all of Voldemort's other Horcruxes first! Besides, I've also made my predictions about what's going to happen in this book, and I have to see every last one validated. These predictions are as follows:
-Harry realizes that Kreacher is hoarding the locket Horcrux stolen by R.A.B.--aka Regulus Black--right under his nose in the damn Hogwarts kitchen, and then breaks his usual tradition of tolerating how fucking annoying house elves are by shoving his holly and phoenix feather wand straight up that godfather-betraying, mudblood-hating bigot's ass.
-Hermione finally gets it on with Ron Weasley, a scene which, given how long the sexual tension has been building between those two, will probably result in them having dirty, ass-smacking, furniture-toppling, owl-mediated ruckus-causing, back-scratching, hematoma-inducing, shrieking orgasm-producing sex on top of Ron's Chudley Cannons bedspread back at the Burrow while Harry, Ginny, and whichever other Weasleys are around are out helping Mrs. Weasley degnome the garden.
-Petunia Dursley finds out she also has magical powers, is nearly killed by Uncle Vernon who fears the neighbors will find out, escapes on the Knight Bus, and finds solace at Hogwarts, where she is appointed the most incompetent Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher in the school's millenium-long history.
-Voldemort storms the Ministry of Magic with a shitload of giants and dementors, and Percy Weasley dies fleeing like the pussy he is. Rufus Scrimgeour then conspires with Rita Skeeter to figure out a way to blame it all on Harry.
-Neville Longbottom gets offed by a well-placed Avada Kedavre curse performed by Narcissa Malfoy (because Draco was supposed to do it, but once again got cold feet), but not before he takes out Bellatrix Lestrange and avenges the permanent catatonic state she put his parents into by torturing them with the Cruciatus Curse. He manages to kill her by harnessing his adept skills at herbology and feeding her to the Venemous Tentacula in Hogwarts greenhouse three, Little Shop of Horrors style.
-Bill Weasley turns into a werewolf on his wedding night and bites the shit out of his irritating French bride Fleur. She survives, and thanks to her Veela heritage, is the most alluring werewolf ever.
-Hagrid dies. Homeboy can hold his own with dragons, acromantulas, hippogriffs, blast-ended skrewts, and giants, but his pink umbrella/covert broken wand is no match for the Imperius Curse placed on him by the former Ministry executioner MacNair that makes him stroll into the Forbidden Forest and stand still while talking mad shit to the angry Centaurs living in there.
-Harry, after spitting some seriously Schwarzenegger-esque vengeance-themed smack talk in Parseltongue to Voldemort's snake (and probable Horcrux) Nagini, kills her, turns her into an extremely pimped-out set of boots, and suddenly is the most popular piece of ass at Hogwarts in spite of the fact that practically everyone he knows ends up dead.
-Tonks discovers that werewolvery, like most blood-borne diseases, can be spread in other ways besides biting when she and Remus Lupin do the nasty in the coat closet at number twelve, Grimmauld Place after a particularly late, oak-matured mead-saturated Order of the Phoenix meeting. She and Fleur start a support group for women who have been infected with an incurable chronic disease by their male partners.
-Madam Rosmerta gets sent to Azkaban, not because she tried to deliver the cursed necklace or the poisoned mead to Dumbledore (she was Imperiused by Malfoy, so that's excusable), but because she's such a damn cocktease that finally the men of Hogsmeade had enough and successfully lobbied the Wizengamot to convict her on the basis of being too sexually distracting to be legal. She is, however, released after the men of Hogsmeade all realize they're now stuck hanging out at Madam Puddifoot's when the Hog's Head gets closed due to health code violations. Madam Rosmerta may be stacked and not putting out (I suspect it's because she likes the snatch, and you can't blame a hot bitch for that), but the closing of the Three Broomsticks is a far more terrible fate than coping with her unavailability for sex.
-Harry gets so sick of hearing about how he has his mother's eyes that he gets purple colored contacts. He goes back to the glasses once he realizes how fucking stupid and unnatural he looks.
-Snape reveals that he's not on anyone's side, and that he killed Dumbledore to get back at him for refusing to promote him out of the Potions dungeon for all those years. Then he moves to Capri and forces Draco Malfoy to swim around naked with him all the time like one of Tiberius's minnows. Consequent to his depraved instincts and the ensuing years of sexual abuse, Draco grows up to be the wizarding world's equivalent of Caligula.
These are just the main predictions I've made. I've got a lot more that I will spare you, because they are indicative of the depth to which my Harry Potter insane nerdiness goes. What it all comes down to is that I couldn't handle reading the leaked part of the book if it just skipped to the big finish without proving to me how right I am about what's going to happen. Besides, reading the end of a book without the rest is like an orgasm without the preceding sex. It's fine and enjoyable, but it would be better with a little context. So fuck the leaked Harry Potter...the wait will make the pleasure of the real thing all the more enjoyable.
Labels: Harry Potter, I LOVE IT, librophilia, Razzification
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