Saturday, July 28, 2007
People v. Robert Sylvester Kelly: Razzy rules
I always thought I'd make a good lawyer, because I think I'm quite talented at taking a heaping helping of bullshit and identifying the salient points that can win an argument. Unfortunately, it seems that being a lawyer involves a lot less shouting "Objection! Badgering!" or cross-examining a bunch of hostile witnesses to tears and a lot more tedious paperwork than suits my tastes, so regarding my career, virology geekery it is.
However, I'm going to have to pretend to be a lawyer and a judge for the moment, because the greatest criminal case in the history of the penal code is FINALLY going to trial. After a number of bizarre setbacks including the judge breaking his leg and the defendant suffering a bout of appendicitis, this past week, jury selection finally began. Yes, it appears that after five years of delays and continuances, the trial of the century looks like it's finally going to begin:
The charges: 14 counts of child pornography
The stakes: Up to 15 years in prison, loss of my respect (obvi the latter is what keeps Robert up at night)
The prosecution's burden:
1. Prove that the sex tape (infamously showing a man banging a teenager and giving her a golden shower) that is the main piece of incriminating evidence is authentic
2. Prove that the man in the tape is the incomparable Robert Sylvester Kelly, hailing from the Chi
3. Prove that the girl in the tape is underage
The prosecution's case:
-The tape was verified by the FBI video forensics lab as unmodified or edited
-Robert has an unfortunate history of banging underage broads. Kells has settled 4 civil suits out of court related to porking teenagers, and married Aaliyah when she was 15.
-He also has an unfortunate history of making child porn, as a case in Florida for another sex tape was dropped because of legal technicalities related to wording in the search warrants that uncovered the tape
-Kells knew the victim. The chick in the sex tape is the niece of his former protege, Sparkle.
-Songs by The Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls, as well as a commercial that went off the air in 2000, play in the background, allowing the tape to be dated sometime between 1998 and 2000, when the victim was 14-16.
-The tape was allegedly recorded in "The Colorado Room" of one of Kells's former mansions, and supposedly the alpine chalet-esque decor of the room is extremely unique and distinctive
And in Robert Sylvester's defense:
-Carey Kelly, Robert's younger brother, looks like him and has had his share of pedophilia-related tangles with the law in the past. He also had access to the Colorado Room where the whole alleged incident went down.
-You can't see the dude's face in the sex tape--it only looks like R. Kelly from behind, and there are a lot of fellas sporting similar cornrow styles in their hair. The world is also full of dudes who like watersports.
-The tape was not acquired from the R-uh in R&B's house, but sent from an anonymous tipster to the Chicago Sun-Herald. Though it may be technically unmodified, its dubious source raises doubts about its authenticity.
-The case is years old, so the only witnesses will probably be Sparkle, her niece, and Robert Sylvester himself, should he elect to take the stand and subject himself to cross-examination. Since his position is that he knows nothing about it and didn't do it, he probably won't. Also, the prosecution has stated that they won't call the witness to avoid her further public humiliation, although since she testified that the girl on the tape was not her before a grand jury, she won't make the greatest witness for the State's attorney. In fact, she'd make a decent witness for the defense. So the prosecution's only witness is Sparkle (providing circumstantial testimony) and a bunch of experts who will confuse the jury.
-R. Kelly has been the target of numerous extortion attempts directed at getting him to cough up cash to avoid another incriminating sex tape on the internet. Granted, THAT sex tape supposedly showed Kells banging Gary Sheffield's wife, and that's not too terrible. After all, Kells is a flirt. Sometimes when he's with his chick on the low, and sometimes when she's with her man lookin' at him...damn right, he's a flirt! Please believe it's not R. Kelly's fault that Gary Sheffield's game isn't tight and he can't trust his wife. He shouldn't have brought her around Kells, because he's a flirt. Recognize it when he rolls up on them dubs. And recognize that there are blackmailers out there trying to take advantage of R-dot's sexual obligation to the women of America.
-R. Kelly is by his own lyrical admission most cautious about banging women who have reached the age of consent. After all, in the remix of his classic from the original Twelve Play, "Bump 'n' Grind," he instructs the object of his affections to "show me some I.D. before we get too deep."
-R. Kelly's music has hypnotic power, and it will be difficult for the jury not to fall in love with his musical lunacy. As Christopher "Ludacris" Bridges states of his 2 Fast 2 Furious soundtrack collaborator, "You can try not to like his music, but it's gonna get your ass eventually, for sure." Really, all the defense has to do is put the "Thoia Thoing" on and watch the hot bitches on the jury murder it.
Razzy's ruling: Since the prosecution seems unable to nail down exactly when the tape was recorded, the alleged victim is swearing she's not the girl getting drilled and pissed on in the video, and there is reasonable doubt with regard to the man in the tape, they have failed to meet their burden. NOT GUILTY!
Kells is going to walk. And thank God, because LL Cool Jew and I are depending him to put out an album or awesome ridiculousness every 18 months. I shudder deeply thinking about what we'll do if the World's Greatest is doing hard time at an Illinois state prison and can't release TP-4 or whatever his next genius opus is going to be called. Perish the thought.
However, I'm going to have to pretend to be a lawyer and a judge for the moment, because the greatest criminal case in the history of the penal code is FINALLY going to trial. After a number of bizarre setbacks including the judge breaking his leg and the defendant suffering a bout of appendicitis, this past week, jury selection finally began. Yes, it appears that after five years of delays and continuances, the trial of the century looks like it's finally going to begin:
The people of the state of Illinois
VERSUS
Robert Sylvester Kelly
The charges: 14 counts of child pornography
The stakes: Up to 15 years in prison, loss of my respect (obvi the latter is what keeps Robert up at night)
The prosecution's burden:
1. Prove that the sex tape (infamously showing a man banging a teenager and giving her a golden shower) that is the main piece of incriminating evidence is authentic
2. Prove that the man in the tape is the incomparable Robert Sylvester Kelly, hailing from the Chi
3. Prove that the girl in the tape is underage
The prosecution's case:
-The tape was verified by the FBI video forensics lab as unmodified or edited
-Robert has an unfortunate history of banging underage broads. Kells has settled 4 civil suits out of court related to porking teenagers, and married Aaliyah when she was 15.
-Kells knew the victim. The chick in the sex tape is the niece of his former protege, Sparkle.
-Songs by The Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls, as well as a commercial that went off the air in 2000, play in the background, allowing the tape to be dated sometime between 1998 and 2000, when the victim was 14-16.
-The tape was allegedly recorded in "The Colorado Room" of one of Kells's former mansions, and supposedly the alpine chalet-esque decor of the room is extremely unique and distinctive
And in Robert Sylvester's defense:
-Carey Kelly, Robert's younger brother, looks like him and has had his share of pedophilia-related tangles with the law in the past. He also had access to the Colorado Room where the whole alleged incident went down.
-You can't see the dude's face in the sex tape--it only looks like R. Kelly from behind, and there are a lot of fellas sporting similar cornrow styles in their hair. The world is also full of dudes who like watersports.
-The tape was not acquired from the R-uh in R&B's house, but sent from an anonymous tipster to the Chicago Sun-Herald. Though it may be technically unmodified, its dubious source raises doubts about its authenticity.
-The case is years old, so the only witnesses will probably be Sparkle, her niece, and Robert Sylvester himself, should he elect to take the stand and subject himself to cross-examination. Since his position is that he knows nothing about it and didn't do it, he probably won't. Also, the prosecution has stated that they won't call the witness to avoid her further public humiliation, although since she testified that the girl on the tape was not her before a grand jury, she won't make the greatest witness for the State's attorney. In fact, she'd make a decent witness for the defense. So the prosecution's only witness is Sparkle (providing circumstantial testimony) and a bunch of experts who will confuse the jury.
-R. Kelly has been the target of numerous extortion attempts directed at getting him to cough up cash to avoid another incriminating sex tape on the internet. Granted, THAT sex tape supposedly showed Kells banging Gary Sheffield's wife, and that's not too terrible. After all, Kells is a flirt. Sometimes when he's with his chick on the low, and sometimes when she's with her man lookin' at him...damn right, he's a flirt! Please believe it's not R. Kelly's fault that Gary Sheffield's game isn't tight and he can't trust his wife. He shouldn't have brought her around Kells, because he's a flirt. Recognize it when he rolls up on them dubs. And recognize that there are blackmailers out there trying to take advantage of R-dot's sexual obligation to the women of America.
-R. Kelly is by his own lyrical admission most cautious about banging women who have reached the age of consent. After all, in the remix of his classic from the original Twelve Play, "Bump 'n' Grind," he instructs the object of his affections to "show me some I.D. before we get too deep."
-R. Kelly's music has hypnotic power, and it will be difficult for the jury not to fall in love with his musical lunacy. As Christopher "Ludacris" Bridges states of his 2 Fast 2 Furious soundtrack collaborator, "You can try not to like his music, but it's gonna get your ass eventually, for sure." Really, all the defense has to do is put the "Thoia Thoing" on and watch the hot bitches on the jury murder it.
Razzy's ruling: Since the prosecution seems unable to nail down exactly when the tape was recorded, the alleged victim is swearing she's not the girl getting drilled and pissed on in the video, and there is reasonable doubt with regard to the man in the tape, they have failed to meet their burden. NOT GUILTY!
Kells is going to walk. And thank God, because LL Cool Jew and I are depending him to put out an album or awesome ridiculousness every 18 months. I shudder deeply thinking about what we'll do if the World's Greatest is doing hard time at an Illinois state prison and can't release TP-4 or whatever his next genius opus is going to be called. Perish the thought.
Labels: crime and punishment, ridiculous absurdity, Robert Sylvester Kelly, sexual assault
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i disagree, he's had plenty of time to be judged in the court of publc opinion and i think the overwhelming verdict is that r. kelly is a guilty creep. why you like him so much is frankly unfathomable. he's a lousy songwriter and a pedophile. he should be on the hotseat with chris hanson, not idolized. you're off the mark on this one, raz.
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# posted by 
: 7/30/2007 2:00 PM
: 7/30/2007 2:00 PM Links to this post:
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