Wednesday, July 18, 2007
TERRORIST ATTACK IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN!!!!!!!!!!
Just kidding. It was totally an accidental steam pipe explosion. I just wanted to be an asshole and counteract the idiotic newscasters who are saying every five minutes, "It's NOT terror, I repeat, this is NOT terrorism," in between giving us reports about how firefighters might have been exposed to asbestos and how Blackberries all over Midtown aren't working. Obviously I understand why many New Yorkers immediately think "TERROR! TERROR!" whenever something like this goes down:
However, now that it's established that Al Qaeda's not behind this one, I'm more interested in the particulars of how this is going to make life for all of us here in Nieuw Amsterdam a royal pain in the ass. I'm lucky in the sense that I don't live on the 4, 5, or 6 trains and thus won't have to deal with what I suspect are going to be some righteous subway service disruptions. Also, I'm lucky in that I don't live on the East Side and I don't drive, because Old Faithful appears to be erupting in the middle of the intersection at 41st and Lex. I shudder to think of the tongue-lashing the car service driver is going to get for the inevitable traffic issues which will undoubtedly make LL Cool Jew's grandmother go ballistic the next time she's in the city and is trying to get from her apartment on the Upper East Side to Nobu in Tribeca. I would feel great sympathy for my friend Rack, who lives right around there, but she always walks everywhere, so I imagine she'll be able to avoid the Midtown East geyser. Unfortunately, I am suffering the pre-empting of "Jeopardy!" and "Access Hollywood" with breaking news reports that constantly reiterate (along with reminders that this was NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES an act of terrorism) that nobody knows jack shit about what is going on. Now they are giving us an annotated history of Consolidated Edison's installation and maintenance of the city's steam pipe infrastructure, and an ode to the destructive power of hot, pressurized water vapor.
I have a theory that this is not an accident or a terrorist attack. Anyone who saw Transformers and/or spends lots of time on trashy Hollywood gossip websites knows that J.J. Abrams, this huge fucking nerd who produces "Lost", is capitalizing on people's gullibility with a cryptic trailer for his as-yet-unnamed movie. Well, unnamed except for its CODE NAME, which is Cloverfield (and on a completely unrelated aside, isn't that the part of Houston where Lil' Flip lives? I swear to God that's where the concept for the T.I.-hating Clover Gs came from). The internets are predictably intrigued, and every dork online is opining about the trailer and how awesome it is: "OMG IT LOOKS SO AMAZING LOL!" and "HAND HELD CAMERAS?! WHAT AN AMAZING CONCEPT!"
I disagree with those assessments. First, two hours of that shaky, poorly-lit action is more likely to make me throw up instead of gasp in awe. Second, this is not an amazing concept. It looks to me like a remake of Godzilla vs. Mothra by way of "Britney and Kevin:Chaotic." Much like everything else J.J. Abrams has done, it will probably be slow, confusing, and convoluted to the point of inducing boredom. I gave up on "Lost" last season, as the only thing I lost with it was my patience. It was entirely too many mystery blacklight maps, death prophecies, bizarre magnetic phenomena, and improbable advanced spinal surgery/hostage situations, and not nearly enough adequate explanations or scenes featuring Sayid the Iraqi Torturer running around looking like the hottest, sweatiest, most swarthily fuckable Republican Guardsman of all time. I get the feeling that Cloverfield (or whatever the hell it's non-code name is, which I suspect will be revealed on January 18, 2008) is going to be equally meandering and pointless, which is EXACTLY why I suspect something is amiss with this completely not terror-related steam pipe explosion.
J.J. Abrams just took it upon himself to blow up Lexington Avenue to promote this Cloverfield bullshit. You know he has explosion people that can make this happen. So when you can't get a damn cab back uptown the next time one of your friends unfortunately decides to have a birthday party on the East Side because 41st Street looks like Yellowstone fucking national park, don't blame Con Ed or Osama. Blame J.J. Abrams, because this is the worst viral marketing stunt in history. And then throw his ass into solitary at Gitmo.
I have a theory that this is not an accident or a terrorist attack. Anyone who saw Transformers and/or spends lots of time on trashy Hollywood gossip websites knows that J.J. Abrams, this huge fucking nerd who produces "Lost", is capitalizing on people's gullibility with a cryptic trailer for his as-yet-unnamed movie. Well, unnamed except for its CODE NAME, which is Cloverfield (and on a completely unrelated aside, isn't that the part of Houston where Lil' Flip lives? I swear to God that's where the concept for the T.I.-hating Clover Gs came from). The internets are predictably intrigued, and every dork online is opining about the trailer and how awesome it is: "OMG IT LOOKS SO AMAZING LOL!" and "HAND HELD CAMERAS?! WHAT AN AMAZING CONCEPT!"
I disagree with those assessments. First, two hours of that shaky, poorly-lit action is more likely to make me throw up instead of gasp in awe. Second, this is not an amazing concept. It looks to me like a remake of Godzilla vs. Mothra by way of "Britney and Kevin:Chaotic." Much like everything else J.J. Abrams has done, it will probably be slow, confusing, and convoluted to the point of inducing boredom. I gave up on "Lost" last season, as the only thing I lost with it was my patience. It was entirely too many mystery blacklight maps, death prophecies, bizarre magnetic phenomena, and improbable advanced spinal surgery/hostage situations, and not nearly enough adequate explanations or scenes featuring Sayid the Iraqi Torturer running around looking like the hottest, sweatiest, most swarthily fuckable Republican Guardsman of all time. I get the feeling that Cloverfield (or whatever the hell it's non-code name is, which I suspect will be revealed on January 18, 2008) is going to be equally meandering and pointless, which is EXACTLY why I suspect something is amiss with this completely not terror-related steam pipe explosion.
J.J. Abrams just took it upon himself to blow up Lexington Avenue to promote this Cloverfield bullshit. You know he has explosion people that can make this happen. So when you can't get a damn cab back uptown the next time one of your friends unfortunately decides to have a birthday party on the East Side because 41st Street looks like Yellowstone fucking national park, don't blame Con Ed or Osama. Blame J.J. Abrams, because this is the worst viral marketing stunt in history. And then throw his ass into solitary at Gitmo.
Labels: assholes, movies, NYC, terror
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