Monday, August 13, 2007
Curtis shall overcome
I've obviously spent all morning dicking around on The Smoking Gun's website, and while there I came across one more reason why super douchebag Kanye West is going to SO LOSE to my boyfriend Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson in their album sales throwdown on 9/11.
I've already established that I think Kanye West is a pussified little twat with a big mouth and an annoying sense of self-righteous messianic egotism. That haughty expression constantly on Kanye's bitchy little face makes him look like a privileged prep school wuss on his way to go sailing or hit the squash courts, and certainly no match for a scowling, Louis Vuitton-holster-wearing, Heckler and Koch-wielding, highly motivated, extremely aggressive gangster-turned-businessman like Fitty. Okay, that "highly motivated, extremely aggressive gangster-turned-businessman" thing is actually from a Westside Connection song, but it works for Curtis too. Anyway, adding to his contrasting general impression of manicured pretty boy-ness, Kanye West's tour rider demands a whole host of faggotronic personal care items, from Nivea "Intensive" moisturizer to a fucking BARBER CHAIR. He also insists that each venue purchase socks and underwear for him, although he declines to specify his brand preference, which is surprising since he seems the fastidious, label-whore type whose coochie remains in the Gucci name. He seems the type whose patience you should never test on account of being high maintenance...HIGH CLASS, and if you ain't rollin', then bypass. Kanye's doing a terrific job of bucking those materialistic ideals prevalent in hip-hop culture that he loves to alternately embrace and criticize at his convenience. He also requires a new soft-bristled toothbrush and Neutrogena dandruff shampoo. Kanye West has a dandruff problem? No wonder he also requested a white crew-neck t-shirt...it helps disguise those embarrassing scalp flakes.
Kanye must also not be keeping up on his business news, because he states in emphatic capital letters, "NO COKE PRODUCTS ARE TO BE PLACED IN THE DRESSING ROOM" while simulaneously noting that eight bottles of Vitamin Water are a "must have." Vitamin Water is made by Glaceau, which was just acquired by Coca-Cola in a deal that made Fitty's stake in the company worth $400 million. I think it's safe to say that Fitty is going to beat the shit out of Kanye on the Billboard charts if he's such a dominant and pervasive force that Kanye himself requires a Formula 50 before each and every performance. God knows he can't shout "We want pre-nup! We want pre-nup!" satisfactorily unless he's pounded a bottle ofCurtis Jackson grape-flavored water. He probably needs a dose of Fitty's chutzpah before he can muster the stones to go preach to his audience full of socially conscious liberal arts college students.
Anyway, if anything ever indicated that Fitty is going to mop the floor with Kanye's preppy, metrosexual, dandruff-shedding ass, it's his own damn prima donna tour rider. Fitty's only requirements for general accommodations (at least according to his lyrics) are "stash box, laptop, fax machine, phone...bulletproof this bitch and I'm gone." He's a sexily dangerous handful, I'm sure, but I bet he doesn't stoop to a level of diva where he specifies which brand of pistachio nuts he'll deign to eat. He also MIGHT be on the down low, but you'd never see him giving that away with demands for L'Occitane soap. Kanye not only has the audacity to insist that each concert venue provide him with toothpaste and deodorant, but insists on prefunking with 50's own eponymous Kool-Aid. What a fucking tool. Curtis is going to smote his thoroughly moisturized, Izod-loving ruin upon the mountainside come 9/11.
Kanye must also not be keeping up on his business news, because he states in emphatic capital letters, "NO COKE PRODUCTS ARE TO BE PLACED IN THE DRESSING ROOM" while simulaneously noting that eight bottles of Vitamin Water are a "must have." Vitamin Water is made by Glaceau, which was just acquired by Coca-Cola in a deal that made Fitty's stake in the company worth $400 million. I think it's safe to say that Fitty is going to beat the shit out of Kanye on the Billboard charts if he's such a dominant and pervasive force that Kanye himself requires a Formula 50 before each and every performance. God knows he can't shout "We want pre-nup! We want pre-nup!" satisfactorily unless he's pounded a bottle of
Anyway, if anything ever indicated that Fitty is going to mop the floor with Kanye's preppy, metrosexual, dandruff-shedding ass, it's his own damn prima donna tour rider. Fitty's only requirements for general accommodations (at least according to his lyrics) are "stash box, laptop, fax machine, phone...bulletproof this bitch and I'm gone." He's a sexily dangerous handful, I'm sure, but I bet he doesn't stoop to a level of diva where he specifies which brand of pistachio nuts he'll deign to eat. He also MIGHT be on the down low, but you'd never see him giving that away with demands for L'Occitane soap. Kanye not only has the audacity to insist that each concert venue provide him with toothpaste and deodorant, but insists on prefunking with 50's own eponymous Kool-Aid. What a fucking tool. Curtis is going to smote his thoroughly moisturized, Izod-loving ruin upon the mountainside come 9/11.
Labels: 50 cent, assholes, boyfriends, overcompensation, rap, scathing indictments
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