Monday, August 13, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Arthur Lawton
DOB: 1938?
Occupation: former employee of Eatonville Pioneer Farm Museum
Hometown: Unknown, but I'm betting it's somewhere in unincorporated Pierce County
Current residence: Tacoma, Washington
Douchebaggery: Mr. Lawton was working at the Eatonville Pioneer Farm Museum until one of his colleagues stumbled into a barn and caught him with his pants down (literally) while he was in the process of FUCKING A GOAT. He then came up with a really lame excuse and told the chick who caught him that he was just trying to milk it, which is the line he's giving prosecutors too. I milked a goat once at the Puyallup Fair and as I recall, while that act did involve some firm teat-squeezing, it in no way involved penetrating the animal with a penis.
He is now the second person to be arrested under Washington state's felony bestiality law. The fact that my home state actually had to pass a law prohibiting bestiality is a statement unto itself; more embarrassing is the fact that both arrests for this have been in the county where I grew up. First there was the Spanaway man who was caught fucking his family pit bull on the back porch of his meth-cookin' shack, although his Jerry Springer-looking ass was acquitted on animal cruelty charges. I guess the pit bull liked it. Now there's Aberforth Dumbledore's perverted white trash counterpart getting his goat on in Eatonville. Seriously, what is up with all this animal fucking going on in the P-N-Dub? It's a damn epidemic! I shudder to think about how the jails are going to fill the fuck up come September when the Fair starts up. The Puyallup Fair is my hometown's claim to fame, and in addition to rides, scones, and onion burgers, provides barn after barn full of various types of livestock for fairgoers to ogle. The theme song for the Fair goes, "You can do it at a trot, you can do it at a gallop, you can do it real slow so your heart don't palpitate...but don't be late...DO THE PUYALLUP." All these bestiality-minded pervs running around Pierce County are going to give "do the Puyallup" an unwholesome and entirely revolting new meaning. Gross.
[RAZZY EDIT: I went to the Puyallup Fair's website, and discovered that the rest of the words to the "Do the Puyallup" theme song are even dirtier. "All the people and the animals down at the Fair, they do the Puyallup like they didn't have a care, and it looks like so much fun to do, I think I'm gonna learn how to do it too. I saw a duck and a chicken down by the barn, kickin' up the hay and raisin' such a storm, so I asked the farmer just what they're up to, and he said 'The Puyallup, it's what they do.'" Also, if the busted-ass clip art on the site is any indication, in addition to the roller coaster (AKA "the BIG roller coaster" even though it's older than the damn Coney Island Cyclone), the X-treme Scream, and the farm animals, the Fair now features flying corn dogs, which is pretty fuckin' sweet. Ahhh....Puyallup.]
Labels: bestiality, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, gross, oh the horror, P-N-Dub, perversion, PWT
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