Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Barry Bonds
DOB: July 24, 1964
Occupation: Left fielder for the San Francisco Giants, steroid aficionado, perjurer
Hometown: Riverside, California
Current residence: San Francisco, California
Douchebaggery: Last night, Barry Bonds hit 756 beat Hank Aaron's career home run record, which wasn't a big surprise. However, he could hit 10,000 home runs and I'd still think he was a BIG FUCKING CHEATER, so it might as well have not happened at all.
Barry Bonds is one of these assholes who will never admit to taking steroids even though EVERYONE knows he did. His trainer ran BALCO, the nation's leader in sneaky banned performance-enhancing substances, and pled guilty to distributing illegal anabolic steroids. This same trainer was hooking up half the heavy hitters in the major leagues with designer hormones. Furthermore, his ex-girlfriend claimed he had all sorts of bacne and rage problems consistent with steroid use, and that he all but outright admitted using them to her. Barry Bonds, however, dodges inquiries regarding that by being a dick about it. In 2002, he said, "Doctors ought to quit worrying about what ballplayers are taking. What players take doesn't matter. It's nobody else's business." Sure, it's nobody's business if you're taking something for a damn enlarged prostate or some other medical condition, but it is most certainly everyone's business if what you're taking is something along the lines of designer human growth hormone shots in the ass that HELP YOU CHEAT!
One of his favorite ways of handling all the negative steroid press is to play the victim and remind people that there are other issues in the world. "What did I do? What did I do? What are you going to apologize for when you're wrong? This is old stuff. I mean, it's like watching 'Sanford and Son.' It's just rerun after rerun after rerun. It's almost comical, basically. We've got alcohol that's the No. 1 killer in America, and we legalize that. You've got tobacco, No. 2 or 3 killer in America. We legalize that. There's other issues." What you did, Barry, was tell a federal grand jury that your longtime trainer rubbed mystery creams and clear liquids into your arms and then claim it was Ben-Gay and flaxseed oil. If you allow a trainer under investigation for providing designer drugs to athletes in all areas of sport to administer unknown "supplements" to you and you don't even ask him what it is, AND everyone already suspects you of using steroids, then you are seriously remiss for not questioning what he's administering. Take some damn responsibility like a man and quit blaming other people for your own transgressions. Also, thanks for reminding everyone that steroid use by MLB players isn't the only issue in the world. I don't think anyone was saying that cheating among overpaid professional athletes was a more important issue than alcohol, tobacco, Hurricane Katrina, cancer, or any of the other red herrings he's attempted to distract people with. However, just because it's not the most critical issue facing humanity, does that mean that you should just be allowed to take your tetrahydrogestrinone in peace and not answer to charges that you lied to a federal grand jury? That's like saying that because there's a war in Iraq, muggers shouldn't be prosecuted because there are other more important issues. Just because Barry Bonds doesn't think he's wrong doesn't mean that he's right and should be left alone based on not being the number one problem facing humanity.
In 2005, he seemed to almost admit that he knew about "the cream" and "the clear" that were supposedly his only unwitting forays into performance-enhancing substances. "You're talking about something that wasn't even illegal at the time. All this stuff about supplements, protein shakes, whatever. Man, it's not like this is the Olympics." No, it's not the Olympics, Barry, but it IS our fucking national pasttime, which makes cheating--whether with an illegal substance or a not-yet-illegal one--just as fucking bad. Later that year, he added, "The fact that someone should write in the newspaper is, I've never failed a drug test." That would be because MLB didn't drug test prior to 2003, and most of the substances touted by BALCO were customized steroids specifically designed to pass detection by conventional drug testing. Every time this pompous, arrogant jackass opens his mouth, I'm more convinced of his culpability.
Just engrave that asterisk next to his Hall of Fame plaque already and be done with it. 756 home runs, courtesy of BALCO Labs!
Labels: assholes, comeuppance, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, sportsmen
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Meanwhile he's accruing ever greater wealth. Well done ladies and gents.
# posted by 
: 8/08/2007 9:12 AM
: 8/08/2007 9:12 AM
although i may get vilified for this, i don't hold barry bonds in low esteem like the majority of americans. coming down on bonds to me is like blaming the victim. bonds was always just getting his. the real asshole, the real reason to mistrust all of baseball's hallow-edness is bud "big-ass jowles" selig. that that fuck showed up to see bonds tie the record, had to be told to stand and then didn't even take his hands out of his pockets as bonds rounded the bases is emblematic of his overall flacidness. there's a lot of blame to go around. but to give a parallel: who do you really blame for the iraq war debacle? it's simple. it's dubya. selig is baseball's dubya, whereas bonds is more of a rumsfeld. someone had to let them do all that dumb shit, even in some way encourage it.
# posted by : 8/08/2007 11:09 PM
: 8/08/2007 11:09 PM 
BigB-
You're certainly right about the fact that there's lots of blame to go around in the MLB/Steroids scandal. That said, I don't think Bonds necessarily deserves the free pass you're giving him. Afterall, he DID choose to cheat, and the simple fact that we haven't seen Bonds bring a defamation/libel suit against the authors of "Game of Shadows" is conclusive proof of that in my book. Whether or not Selig allowed him to do so, the truth of the matter is that the vast majority of baseball players in the "Juiced Era" DIDN'T actually juice. Bonds made a conscious decision to do so, and history is going to vilify him for it, whereas in 50 years I doubt that anyone will even remember what Bud Selig looked like.
You're certainly right about the fact that there's lots of blame to go around in the MLB/Steroids scandal. That said, I don't think Bonds necessarily deserves the free pass you're giving him. Afterall, he DID choose to cheat, and the simple fact that we haven't seen Bonds bring a defamation/libel suit against the authors of "Game of Shadows" is conclusive proof of that in my book. Whether or not Selig allowed him to do so, the truth of the matter is that the vast majority of baseball players in the "Juiced Era" DIDN'T actually juice. Bonds made a conscious decision to do so, and history is going to vilify him for it, whereas in 50 years I doubt that anyone will even remember what Bud Selig looked like.
I think its a shame that he broke Hank Aaron's record. Barry Bonds was already an exceptional athlete before the steroids. Can you image how many Aaron would've hit if he'd been on roids as well.
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