Friday, August 10, 2007

 

Daily Douchebag: Derek Jeter


Name: Derek Sanderson Jeter

DOB: June 26, 1974

Occupation: shortstop for the bastard-ass Yankees, ladies man, genital scourge of Hollywood

Hometown: Kalamazoo, Michigan via Pequannock Township, New Jersey

Current residence: New York, New York

Douchebaggery: Derek Jeter the Peter-Eater is already a major douchebag based on a simple and obvious fact: he plays for the fucking Yankees. In fact, he's the captain of the damn Yankees. My opinion of the New York Yankees is that they are somewhere between Hitler and the Devil himself in terms of atrocious, despicable, loathsome entities. I hate them and I would not cry if a nuclear bomb landed on the South Bronx today and destroyed Yankee Stadium. Well, I also probably also wouldn't cry because I live just over the Harlem River from there, and any such bomb would also destroy me, but I'd take comfort in knowing that the pinstriped legions of hell were annihilated before my own destruction even if I didn't have time to consider lamentation.

Anyway, when he's not sucking off Alex "Gay-Rod" Rodriguez, looking smug, or hawking annoying products like his perfume "Driven," Jeter likes to run around with a lot of prominent Hollywood beards on his arm. In the past, he's dated Mariah Carey, some Miss Universe from a few years ago, Jessica Biel, and Jessica Alba. It seems he left these ladies with more than just some fond memories about how he couldn't maintain an erection unless they spoke in a deep voice and let him call them "Alex." According to the gossip internets, a disgruntled former assistant of Jessica Alba is telling everyone that he had to fill her regular Valtrex prescription, an unfortunate consequence of her brief dalliance with the second biggest down-low poker player in Major League Baseball next to Gay-Rod himself.

Not that Derek Jeter is the only one spreading herpes all over Hollywood. I think everyone knows about this:


Nor is Jeter the only professional athlete to be freely sharing his genital ulcerations to his swooning fans. There's also dog-torturer Michael Vick, AKA Ron Mexico. Vick apparently gave the herp to some chick he was banging, and she sued his lesion-spattered ass for giving her herpes under cover of the alias "Ron Mexico." This inspired a number of creative customized Dirrty Birds jersey purchases, at least until NFLshop.com got wise and banned any jerseys saying "Ron Mexico" or "Herpes." Too bad, because that shit is funny. I bet by now they've also banned Falcons #7 jerseys saying "Pit Fighter" and "Puppy Murderer":


Anyway, since 21% of the population, including many in his combined industries of professional sports and media whoring have herpes, Derek's not alone in the VIP section of Club Simplex. As far as I'm concerned, that's just another reason for me to dislike him and stay as far away from him as possible, along with Jessica Alba, Jessica Schwarzenegger Biel, Mariah Carey, and all the various celebrity tramps he's flapped his soft penis against the thigh of. My brother Lil' Tevie, who is constantly vacillating between deciding whether Britney Spears circa 2001 or Jessica Alba is hotter, will now have a compelling reason to stop wearing that infernal Yankees cap that he sports sometimes (to the mortified shame of the rest of my family). I've always thought that Jessica Alba looks like her face got stung by a swarm of bees, and she seems like a stuck-up bitch, so Lil' Tevie's going to have to admit that her unholy union with one of Satan Steinbrenner's minions is strike three and declare that bitch out.

The professional sports teams need to get their act together with regard to their players spreading VD around the country. In particular, Steinbrenner needs to tell Jeter to keep his pustule-covered peen safely in his jockstrap and stop subjecting his hetero decoy girlfriends to its viral ravages. He needs to just quarantine himself with his poker buddies who probably all have it too, and quit infecting dumb sluts like Jessica Alba, who is probably giving it to (Brody Jenner/Cisco Adler/Jesse Metcalfe/Brandon Davis/insert name of vacuous D-list actor, musician, or heir here) as I write this. Stop the epidemic!

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# posted by Razzy @ 6:57 AM
Comments:
Razzy. I am no big Jeter fan. He is a member of the Yankees. But even mentioning his name in the same column as Micheal Vick is too harsh. Vick is a truley loathsome person. A man that murders and tortures dogs for pleasure and money. Jeter's most major flaw is the uniform he wears. This is a character flaw that any Jay ( former yankee) Buhner fan knows can be easily cured. As for Vick, if he is indeed found guilty of the crimes he is accused of then he enters into an exclusive club of athletes. One occupied by such names as Rae Caruth, O.J. Simpson and Mike Tyson. Adam "Pacman" Jones may also join this club at any given moment. Pats will go 14-2 and win the Super Bowl...bank on it!
# posted by Anonymous Benzo : 8/10/2007 12:09 PM
 
Benzo-
Big ups on the Jay Buhner reference! It's refreshing to a hear Sox fan even acknowledge the existence of a team west of Pennsylvania.
# posted by Blogger Morrissey'sHair : 8/10/2007 4:09 PM
 
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