Thursday, August 09, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Hung Huynh
DOB: Sometime in 1978
Occupation: contestant on "Top Chef," conceited snob
Hometown: Pittsfield, Assachusetts
Current residence: Las Vegas, Nevada
Douchebaggery: I thought I was the only loser I know who watches "Top Chef" on Bravo. It's no "Project Runway," nor is it "Hell's Kitchen" featuring the hot profanity-barking Scotsman Gordon Ramsay, but I watch it nonetheless. I like how head judge Chef Tom Colicchio hardly ever says anything nice about anyone. You could put a plate of nectar and ambrosia fit for Zeus in front of him, and he'll say something like, "Well, it's cooked perfectly, and it tastes delicious, but don't you think this was playing it a little SAFE? Isn't this really TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT? This is a competition, and perfectly executed food for the gods just isn't going to cut it." He's doubly bitchy when either Anthony Bourdain or the food guy from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" is on, and I love watching people squirm under his withering gaze. Add to it Salman Rushdie's ex-wife and model/cookbook author Padma Lakshmi, who smiles all the time but can dish out some withering criticism should anything she doesn't like cross her palate. Anyway, it's great trashy reality competition TV, and as of last weekend, LL Cool Jew is now hooked on this show as well. Just like when we were roommates and used to watch "Survivor" and "The Apprentice" together, we now watch "Top Chef," except we converse by text message. This usually goes as follows:
LL Cool Jew: R u watchin top chef?? Caseys so pissed!
Razzy: I hate hung
LL Cool Jew: Dude we r dealin w/ hung another week. Howies team is going 2 elimination. They sucked
Razzy: Totz
Razzy: Dude i think brians hot...hes got a grant show thing going on
LL Cool Jew: Brian IS hot! I said so 2 bigbagel this weekend but he protested. Even tho he does have that lil artfaggy "imperiale"
Razzy: Brians soul patch sucks
LL Cool Jew: Padma practically puked when she tasted the cuban samich. Tre kicked ass w/ his bacon-wrapped shrimp n cheesy grits
Razzy: The medianoche was ill-advised
Razzy: Cheesy grits...mmm
LL Cool Jew: Tre wins after saying how much he admires the black chef! 2 wins in a row 4 tre!!!
Razzy: Yeah, but "up north"? How is Miami "up north"? (Tre had said he wanted to expose the people "up north" to Southern cooking)
LL Cool Jew: Quick--sara or howie? (This was her request for my elimination prediction).
Razzy: Howie
As usual, I got my prediction wrong, and Sara was eliminated. I always wrongly predict the winner of contest reality shows. However, whether Sara or Howie went home, I won't be happy until they cut Hung's bitch ass. If you watch "Top Chef", you probably don't even need an explanation as to why I can't fucking stand Hung. He's arrogant, irritating, and obnoxious, and I don't think anyone wants some damn sous chef telling them what they should like. Hung got on my nerves from day one. He acts like he fucking invented sashimi, and while sometimes he turns out some deliciousness, sometimes he tries too damn hard. Last night during an ice cream challenge, he sneered at everyone else who was adding berries and nuts, and made an ice cream with tempura coating, some kind of nasty gelee, and white chocolate-cauliflower foam. CAULIFLOWER! Then, when the guest judge and Padma the hot host didn't like it, he criticized their sense of taste and bitched that they wanted something "less original" than his fucking ten treasures mess of nastiness.
He really got on my bad side around week three or so, when the contestants had to reinvent traditional American comfort food. He said that fried chicken, mac 'n' cheese, chicken and dumplings, tuna casserole, etc. were "disgusting" and spent the entire episode trashing on my nation's cuisine. He was so pissed that he was being forced to make such gauche food, reminding everyone, "I don't CREATE foods with butter and cream, my style is light and flavorful and far superior to this middle-class suburban trash." Okay, he didn't say exactly that, but it was in that vein. I was literally shouting from my couch at the TV, "Don't FUCK with tuna casserole, you snobby little bitch!" Another time, he was running around the kitchen with a knife and almost stabbed Casey, then failed to apologize for nearly running her through with the blade of his French chef. He acts like he is the only one with any talent or ability, and therefore is the only one with any right to be there. He also can't take criticism. Once some famous chef (Barton G. Weiss, I believe) didn't like an appetizer he made, and he scoffed, "OBVIOUSLY he wasn't able to comprehend the concept." On the bright side, his insufferable pomposity and inability to listen to more accomplished chefs than him and learn from his mistakes will probably cost him the contest down the road, but in the meantime, his despicable presence is driving me insane.
It's no coincidence that Hung went to culinary school with Marcel from "Top Chef" season two. Marcel was this overcoiffed, ugly little asshole whose signature was using a variety of lab chemicals to make a pantheon of nasty espumas. He was always comparing his knives to the other people's (seriously), and spouting off a bunch of pretentious bullshit about his training in "molecular gastronomy." Hung and Marcel obviously took social skills lessons from the same friendless food-snob jerkoff because like his colleague and predecessor, everyone hates Hung.
Furthermore, Hung is from Pittsfield, Ass, a charming mountain town that boasts the largest known soil contamination of toxic polychlorinated biphenyls thanks to the GE plant there. Much as everyone I've ever met from Buffalo, NY is hot, everyone I've ever met from Pittsfield is a passive-aggressive, duplicitous prick. My college lab partner was from there, and moved to Seattle after graduation. I got her a job at the company where I worked, which was the last time I do that for someone I don't know very well. When I told my friend Wmania (her former roommate) I had done this, she exclaimed, "WHY? That bitch is out of her fucking mind. She is UNSTABLE, Razzy! She's probably not even any good at cloning or whatever it is you do." Wmania's warning was realized when this chick reminded me why I did the bulk of our lab work back in Bacteriology class at Smith (dumb bitch couldn't even execute a simple Gram stain, which I could probably train one of my dogs to do). As soon as she started, she demonstrated her ineptitude at bench work, refused to be trained, contaminated several large scale cultures (each contamination being a $20,000 dollar mistake) because of her inability to grasp sterile technique, sustained a needle stick when she stuck her hand into a sharps container to retrieve a lost $5 calculator, and instead of congratulating me on the promotion I got several months after she started, began a two-year campaign of anti-Razzy image tarnishment out of jealousy. Once she actually tattled on me to the Chief Business Officer of the company for calling her "annoying" in an email, and the CBO (who was later fired for embezzling and trying to usurp the CEO's position...obviously they were kindred spirits) actually forced me to apologize to the bitch. Her bad attitude eventually caught up with her, as she was eventually laid off, rehired on contract for a different department, fired, rehired on contract for yet another department, and quit, only to be fired from her next job. That's my standard for Pittsfield people, and Hung is living up to it. I think all that industrial waste in the soil there makes people the most atrocious human beings they can possibly be.
If you don't want to take it from me or watch "Top Chef" to see for yourself, just take a gander at Hung's MySpace. The profile's pretty spare, but all you need to do is look at the picture section to see what a fucktard he is. The entire gallery is Hung looking serious as he makes one of his faggy Asian fusion masterpieces. I also think that anyone who takes one of these black-and-white subway riding pictures deserves automatic hatred:
Ooooo, LOOK! I'm on the SUBWAY, just like a real hipster douchebag, which is why I look somewhat wistful, yet contemptuous. Where's his messenger bag and the Kierkegaard book he's pretending to read? I'd take one look at this asshole taking a picture of himself posing like this on the damn R train and immediately conclude one thing: SMALL PENIS. Posturing like he's some avant-garde, mind-blowingly sophisticated food and taste connoisseur only highlights the fact that he's hung like a fucking shrimp.
Hung needs to pack his knives and go, already.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, gluttony, overcompensation, small penises, TV
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