Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Mystery
Real name: Erik von Markovik
DOB: Sept. 24, 1971
Occupation: Self-appointed seduction guru and founder of the "Venusian Arts" pick-up method, walking 1990s-rave-era accessories rack, misogynist, misleader of men, itty-bitty-pee-pee syndrome sufferer, star of the VH1 reality series "The Pick-up Artist"
Hometown: Toronto, Ontario (I knew he was fucking Canadian)
Current residence: A Beverly Hills mansion dubbed the "Hollywood Project" where unfuckable nerds gather to learn how to insult stupid women from Mystery and his cadre of "seduction mentors" (i.e. ugly dudes in distracting, effeminate outfits)
Douchebaggery: Unsurprisingly, Mystery began his life as a frustrated Dungeons and Dragons aficionado who never got laid. In an incomprehensible bid to change his luck, he became a Penn-and-Teller-esque magician in New York, and through thousands of trials that doubtlessly led to thousands of drinks being thrown in his face, Mystery developed what he calls a foolproof method for "getting beautiful women into bed fast."
Apparently, this involves teaching ugly virgins to insult women they want to sleep with within three minutes of meeting them to confuse and unbalance them, thereby exploiting unstable women's attraction to emotional retards and abusers.
It isn't surprising that a D&D fan/magician would come up with such a lame and trifling program. The Mystery Method lexicon includes such anti-cool terms as "Avatar" (the silly, sleazy pseudonyms Mystery and his minions self-apply, like "The Matador," "J-Dog," "Herbal" and "Ajax"), "peacocking" (dressing said Avatar in puzzling, drag-queen-ish outfits to cause women not to ogle, but rather to double-take, that have included but are not limited to chrome-framed goggles, animal-print-inspired hair-dye jobs, obsolete facial piercings and fluffy top hats), "neg" (a comment intended to demean a woman and set her about begging for approval and "qualify" for the right to fuck a clown like Mystery).
At first, mainstream normals like us had no idea who Mystery was, because having healthy sex lives and maintaining a general respect for our fellow human beings, we felt no need to explore manuals that would teach us to con drunk people into flirting with us. But now, as reality television lovers who have no choice but to lap up every single VH1 series except "Scott Baio is 45...and Single," we are thrust into merciless awareness of Mystery and his program for teaching losers how to convince themselves and others of their dominant social status in watering holes and dance clubs.
Apparently, lots and lots of nerd virgins are eager to pay Mystery to teach them what wife-beaters have known for years - that misogyny is a powerful aphrodisiac to insecure women. He's become rich selling multimedia products, delivering seminars and "in-field" evaluations of students trying to hit on drunk girls and even conducting a workshop last year at M.I.T., where nerd virgins gather to become wealthy and, inexplicably if they want to get laid, attend what must be the only other higher education institution in America besides VMI and the Citadel where male students still outnumber their female counterparts.
Mystery will get his well deserved comeuppance, however, when he loses it all after his list of prerehearsed lines (sorry, "openers") and "negs" like "Nice nails. Are they real?" become well known to women. Wouldn't it be so fucking awesome to be a fly on the wall when some drunk chick being harassed by a tubby, clammy virgin hears something she recognizes from "The Pick-Up Artist" and replies with a curt, "You're one of those mouth-breathing Mystery wannabes, aren't you?"
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, LL Cool Jew, magick is bullshit, overcompensation, small penises, you're ugly
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Welcome home, LL! You belong here.
Great post; in fact, I've actually met "J-Dog" before--as you can imagine, prepare to be underwhelmed. There was a great article about these tools in the Seattle Times last month. One of them was giving a $2,000.00/day seminar on becoming a "pick-up artist". The reporter interviewing this guy mocked him openly, which only seemed to embolden the fucker. Essentially, "The Game" boils down to unadulterated misogyny. Blatant exploitation of women with low self esteem; But then again, any douchebag who would pay $2,000.00 to learn how to compliment a fat chick must, by definition, suffer from severe self-loathing himself. I guess water always finds its level. BTW's--Crescent City airfares are kind of cheap right now. I'm going to be in touch with Raz about a possible trip.
Great post; in fact, I've actually met "J-Dog" before--as you can imagine, prepare to be underwhelmed. There was a great article about these tools in the Seattle Times last month. One of them was giving a $2,000.00/day seminar on becoming a "pick-up artist". The reporter interviewing this guy mocked him openly, which only seemed to embolden the fucker. Essentially, "The Game" boils down to unadulterated misogyny. Blatant exploitation of women with low self esteem; But then again, any douchebag who would pay $2,000.00 to learn how to compliment a fat chick must, by definition, suffer from severe self-loathing himself. I guess water always finds its level. BTW's--Crescent City airfares are kind of cheap right now. I'm going to be in touch with Raz about a possible trip.
What sort of wiggity-wack hairdo did "J-Dog" have when you met him? Is he in fact, as he told a pair of Ph.D students he met in a bar in the premiere episode of "The Pick-Up Artist," an engineer?
TY for the shout-out MH!!! Yes, yes, yes - do come!
TY for the shout-out MH!!! Yes, yes, yes - do come!
Actually, yes. He is an engineer, albeit one wearing too-tight, shredded denims and a mullet. Completing the ensemble (not to mention, confirming the dark stain that these guys all keep hidden, but everyone assumes--ie. SMALL wangs) was a garishly painted motorcycle. A sight to behold, I tell ya.
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