RazzyBlog: Daily Douchebag: Senator Larry Craig (R-ID)

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Daily Douchebag: Senator Larry Craig (R-ID)

Name: Larry Edwin Craig

DOB: July 20, 1945

Occupation: (Singing) Senator, retired rancher, self-loathing down low homo

Hometown: Midvale, Idaho

Current residence: Infamy

Douchebaggery: Larry Craig is one of these guys who hates the homos. He is an outspoken proponent of the Defense of (Hetero) Marriage Act and the Federal Marriage Act, is endorsed by the American Family Association and the Family Research Council, and voted to prevent extending the federal definition of hate crimes to include the gays. There's just one little problem with Larry Craig's vehement position on ensuring that those of us who like to get down with folks of the same gender are denied as many rights and protections as possible: he's a big old FAG!

Yesterday, some political blog outed Larry Craig for trying to pick up an undercover cop George Michael-style in a bathroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport. Apparently, the bathroom in question was a well-known spot for dudes cruising for a little between-flights hot guy-on-guy action, and Larry Craig decided to go there and proposition an undercover cop. He was arrested for disorderly conduct, plead guilty, and put the incident behind him like a hot anonymous guy in an airport bathroom stall. Too bad for Larry he didn't count on the blogosphere digging this up and ensuring it would be splashed all over the news. Also, too bad for Larry, it seems this isn't the first time his sexuality has been questioned. In 1982, there were allegations that he was doing truckloads of blow and having sex with male congressional pages, which he denied. Last year, he had to answer again to the "completely ridiculous" charges some blogger made that Larry was doing a little more than playing cards on poker night with the boys.

I love how these dudes who seem to go on and on about "family values" and "Christian morals" are always secretly more depraved than any of the people they are constantly condemning. Remember the former head of the National Association for Evangelicals, Rev. Ted Haggard? Well he was busted for buying meth and kicking it with a middle-aged gay hooker, in spite of his outspoken support of anti-gay marriage legislation. Of course, then he came up with the lame excuse that he bought the meth because he was "curious," but that he threw it away without taking any, and that the only thing he did with the hooker was receive a "massage." News flash, Reverend: we all know you were tweeking hard and we all know that "massage" means "hand job from a dude," and much as meth-slinging prostitutes can't fully be trusted, I believe your boyfriend who said that he was buttfucking you for a solid three years. The same is true with Larry Craig. The ferocity and vehemence he dedicates to denouncing the queers is directly proportional to his own urges to get some hot anonymous airport bathroom BJ from the dude in the stall next to him.

Now Larry Craig is giving some lame statement about how police misconstrued his statements and he pled guilty just to make the whole thing go away. Sha right. His ass pled guilty in hopes that this would never see the light of day, because he knew that a public examination of the events would indeed demonstrate that homeboy was in the mood for some incognito layover dick between flights, and for a prominent member of the homo-hating Legislative elite already dogged by gay rumors, such exposure would be more than a little embarrassing.

This is pretty similar to an anecdote the stunning hotness known as Alexyss K. Tylor shared on her public access show a while back, about a Spelman professor who was similarly picked up in an airport men's room for propositioning another fellow there. As she brilliantly summarized that situation, "I don't know if he wants the nuts in his butts or the balls in the jaws, but he's beggin' the man, PLEASE give him some dick and nuts." If Larry Craig and all these other hypocritical gay-bashing gays would just accept that they like some "nuts in their butts" from time to time, then maybe there wouldn't be getting so fired up about making sure that the gays can never, ever, ever, ever, ever in a million years get married because they're perverts and sinners. For one thing, they'd be a lot less cranky, not having to spend all their time joining (wink, wink) "barbershop quartets" as a front what they really get up to--or up ON--with their buddies James, John, and Trent. It's got to be a lot of work, both orchestrating clandestine gay trysts and learning four-part acapella harmonies about freedom or whatever. For another, I am not sure at this point that we'd even have any rabidly anti-gay lawmakers or activists anymore if they all came out. I'm pretty sure that the only reason these people get so uptight about the gays is to keep their secret penchant for prostate-tickling under wraps, so if they came out...well, nobody would be left to give the homos a hard time under the guise of moral superiority.

Larry Craig is the latest in a series of insufferably pedantic purveyors of judgment preaching about how to "reclaim America" by "protecting traditional marriage," and he needs to cut that noise and just admit that he's bi already. The word's already out, and the only reason people care is because he's a huge hypocrite. As far as his man-loving predilections, well, he's here, he's queer, and we're all having NO difficulty getting over that.

Labels: assholes, comeuppance, Daily Douchebag, overcompensation, politics, vulgar display of faggotry