Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Owen Wilson
DOB: November 18, 1968
Occupation: extremely irritating actor
Hometown: Dallas, Texas
Current residence: Santa Monica, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I actually hate Owen Wilson. I thought that Zoolander was funny, but when he's not being the So-Hot-Right-Now Hansel, I have zero interest in Owen Wilson. Most of his movies are either asinine romantic comedies or asinine slapstick comedies, and I have no time or patience for either one. I think his nose looks like Mad Eye Moody meets a genital wart, and I hate dudes who specialize in lovable doofus roles. So why is he my Daily Dude I Want to Hit, you ask?
Because over the weekend, Owen Wilson did the greatest, most honorable, most selfless act of his entire vapid, irksome life: he tried to kill himself. Although the official story is that he's either dehydrated or suffering from an "undisclosed medical condition," my trusty gossip internets have informed me that he was removed from his house by an ambulance after being found with bleeding wrists and an empty bottle of Percocet. I can just imagine how this went down.
Owen actually watched one of his own movies, and the shame and horror of what he hath wrought upon the world overcame him. Much as Oedipus, shocked by the realization that he'd boned his freshly suicided mom and consequently cursed Thebes with the disfavor of the gods, put out his eyes, Owen seemingly decided that his crimes against the moviegoing public were the disgrace of his life and moved to make things right. He didn't succeed, but this has all the makings of a great Greek tragedy. I don't think Sophocles or Aeschylus could have scripted anything better about the grave price one pays for hubris.
Anyway, hats off to Owen for trying to make amends with the world by removing himself from it. Next time, dude, remember that cutting your wrists horizontally is just an amateurish cry for help. If you want to get this done, go vertical and make sure you really open up those veins! Just a suggestion. I really want Owen's efforts to pay off (and by "pay off," I mean "non-extant and thus no longer able to pollute the media with shitshows like You, Me, and Dupree or Shanghai Knights").
Labels: crazies, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, intentional buffoonery, tragedy
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