Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Superhead
Nickname: Superhead
DOB: August 24, 1978
Occupation: serial ho
Hometown: St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: People often ask me if my website has ever impeded my efforts to get laid, because it drives away the honeys with their fear of being written about afterwards. The truth is, I hardly ever write about about the people I sleep with, and when I do it's usually because they either did something egregiously awful to piss me off or because something funny happened during the sex. Either way, I usually go out of my way to protect the identity of the person I'm writing about, because I would like to continue getting laid, and I don't want to be cockblocked by my own blog. However, as much fucking-and-telling as I do, I've got nothing--and I mean NOTHING--on Karrine "Superhead" Steffans.
A former rap video vixen, Superhead became far more famous for her extreme promiscuity than for her video dancing skills. Why famous people are still fucking this bitch is a mystery to me, because now that she's gone to pasture in terms of being solid video hoochie material (she's 28), she's ventured into the realm of writing tell-all books about her various conquests. In her first book, Confessions of a Video Vixen, she had the following things to say:
Shaquille O'Neal "was nothing to complain about." She says that Shaq was so impressed with Steffans that, the day after meeting her, he deposited $10,000 into her bank account. At least she's not shy about being a huge ho. That said, I figure that Shaq's dick is roughly the size of an old-growth Douglas fir, so she probably deserved every penny for actually fitting that into any of her various orifices and not complaining.
After hearing so much about Fred Durst's stature, she gushed, "to actually hold him … felt like a privilege." EWWW!!! Fred Durst's dick is a privilege? That was obviously written circa 1999.
Vin Diesel "was a beautiful man … blessed with an enviable eight-pack and an even more enviable cock." And an enviable ability to drive his career straight into the dirt with some seriously bad movie choices.
After inviting her to his home at 4 a.m., Sean (P. Diddy) Combs kicked his manservant Fonzworth Bentley out of a guest bedroom so he and Steffans could spend 15 minutes making love. "You're one of the best," she says P. Diddy told her. Steffans writes: "I said the same to him, when, in actuality, he was average." No surprise there. I wish she would have told me what I REALLY want to know about Diddy, which is whether or not he goes, "Uh, take that, take that, take that, Bad Boy" during sex. Maybe she omitted that detail because it's a given.
After her book dropped in 2005, Steffans supposedly said she promised God that her days of writing about her hyperactive sex life were over, and she'd be walking a moral path henceforth. However, Confessions of a Video Vixen was such a success that Steffans has signed with Warner Books to write two more tell-alls, except in keeping with her spiritual convictions, she's offering a slightly more subtle discussion of her famous sex partners' dick sizes. She's also sold the rights to a movie about her ho-liness for a cool $7.3 mil. In her upcoming book The Vixen Diaries, she continues her trend of rating various celebrities' abilities in bed.
Usher was originally lauded for his prowess in the sack in her first book, but in the second one, Karrine changes her tune and says she boned him out of pity. Because it was after a concert when we “fucked” and it was smelling like straight up FISH up in backstage in his dressing room. It was NOT me either. So I'm like babes? What's that smell. He tried to make it seem like it already smelled like that when they got to the arena. I'm like whatever, can we get this over with. It was fucking horrible and on top of that it was smelling back there. This man is not packing, his dick is way small and he was having a hard time trying to find my hole. Then ol' boy did something out of this world, he yelled out something Haitian. I was sick to my stomach. I got dressed and ran out of there. The fact that Usher's dick is small or that his nether regions stink is no shock to me. I've had Usher pegged (no pun intended) as a down-low butt boy for a long time now. That woman he just married even looks like a damn man, so consider me unsurprised that Usher doesn't know his way around a vadge.
50 cent and I have had our share of sexual encounters. We kick it every time he comes to L.A.. His dick is not as big as I assumed it would be. It was probably about 7 1/2 inches. But it's not a big disappointment because he can eat pussy like no other. 50 loves tities and ass. I happen to have them both so I guess that's why he immediately came on to me. You have to be sleeping with some serious heavy hitters to think that 7 1/2 inches is disappointing. I've had dicks bigger than that, but most dudes would rejoice in having a 7 1/2 inch dick. Not that I didn't already know about my boyfriend Curtis Jackson's penis size or his cunnilingus abilities. He loves my T&A too.
Young Buck was the best I ever had. His dick was like the Energizer Bunny. It kept going and going. The sex lasted for hours at a time. It was the best I ever had and it got better each time. Don't tell that to 50! That's how motherfuckers get kicked out of the G-Unit...by somehow one-upping "tha don." Just ask The Game. If it gets out that Young Buck is a hotter lay, he's probably going straight back to Ca$hville.
Juelz Santana's really wild in bed, and don’t let the ‘No homo’ stuff fool you, because he is definitely not a homo in bed. His dick is like a baseball bat, but it’s thick too, like an overgrown German sausage. He likes to pull hair a lot, and he actually likes it better when a girl rides. Have you ever seen Juelz Santana? He's kind of skinny and short. I wouldn't have thought he's packing some bizarre hybrid of a Louisville Slugger and a Johnsonville brat between his legs, that's for sure.
Rather than continue elaborating, Karrine just breaks out a long-ass list with some quick ratings of virtually every well-known rapper from the past decade:
Mystikal - long Mystikal?! Is he even still alive?
Trick Daddy - long and full of energy Duh. How else could he keep up with Trina?
Twista - medium So I guess Twista's claim in R. Kelly's "Hit It Til the Mornin" that he is capable of "slid(ing) this dick off in yo womb" is false. Unless, of course, Superhead's standards of "medium" means 12 inches. It's also possible that Twista's dick looks smaller than it really is when contrasted with his corpulent physique.
Will Smith - long UGH! WILL SMITH?! I thought he was gay. Note that Superhead says he's "long" but not "thick." The Fresh Prince is a pencil-dick, for sure.
Xzibit - long but comes too quick Don't they all. But don't hate...he was probably on his way to film a deodorant commercial or pimp someone's ride. Unlike Young Buck, a busy man like X to tha Z doesn't have all day to just lounge around fucking groupies.
Kool G Rap - Long but can't fuck Well, he fucked her enough to be her baby daddy. She had to be nasty since he's charging that she's a lousy mom to their bastard son Naim.
Talib Kweli - medium No surprise there. Talib wouldn't be bitching about social problems nearly as much if he had decent wood.
Redman - hung like a banana Is that good or bad? I'm thinking that's good, but Karrine's standards are so impossibly high that this could well be a diss from her.
Black Thought - medium Again, no surprise there. Black Thought doesn't spend nearly enough time talking about his hoochies and his rims.
Russell Simmons - small NO SHIT! He's a vegan who married a tranny (I'm convinced that Kimora Lee has a Y chromosome), so consider me unsurprised that he's lacking the equipment to please a real woman.
Khujo from Goodie Mob - very long Yuck.
Ja Rule - Long and full of energy DOUBLE yuck. I wonder what 50 thought of that assessment.
Jay-Z - Real thick and juicy but you cant stand looking at him when he’s on top Jay-Z--who I'm also convinced is gay--is definitely a double bagger, meaning you put a bag on his head AND yours for extra protection from his hideous visage.
OutKast - Both big but Big Boi is bigger and fatter Dre’s is long and slim. No surprise there.
Pete Rock - big Who the hell is Pete Rock? Is he somehow related to Kid Rock?
Puff Daddy - medium Or, as she stated before, "just average"
Rakim - Long Quit saying "long"! I want some measurements!
Mobb Deep - Havoc is big but Prodigy is small I guess that's what sickle cell anemia will do to a guy. Also, as long as she's fucking half the G-Unit, why didn't Lloyd Banks and Tony Yayo get a piece?
M.O.P. - Long pipes but Danze has a smelly body odor Be sure to put on deodorant (hence the semi-favorable ratings for Redman and Xzibit) before fucking Superhead, because that bitch has the sense of smell of a bloodhound.
Nas - small I knew it. You can tell from the constant self-aggrandization. Dudes with pharoah complexes are always packing toothpicks.
Nelly - medium But did he take off the Band-Aid before getting down?
Scarface - medium Average and unremarkable, just like his career
Snoop Dogg - too long Snoop is a cervix-slammer, huh? Ewww....
Ol’ Dirty Bastard - may his big dick rest in peace Where thankfully it can't knock any more bitches up.
Clipse - They’re both long but they cant fuck and Pusha T’s breath stinks Again, it's advisable to make sure your personal hygiene is in order before fucking a gossipy ho with a keen sense of smell
Common - Long but too skinny Figures. Common is such a sensitive little crybaby, it's no shocker that he's sporting a Sharpie fine point.
Da Brat - can eat a pussy. One would hope. She IS a big old dyke, after all.
Mos Def - long but his breath stinks You know Mos Def's fugly ass thinks he's too good for a toothbrush.
Timbaland - long and fat but can't fuck and comes too quick And probably says "Uh, uh, baby girl" incessantly, as well. But don't hate. That's just the way he are.
Too $hort - long and thick but talks to much shit in bed He talks a lot of shit everywhere else, too. Why would his pillow talk be any different? She should consider herself lucky that she didn't wind up working the streets of Oaktown or choking on sperm in her windpipe.
Q Tip - long but skinny. He has an asshole personality His name says it all.
Mase - Long but he has an asshole personality too Well, DUH! He's a born-again Christian. They all have asshole personalities.
Master P - nice and long and can fuck Except for the fact that his nasty-ass gold grill is probably always twinkling at you with every "UHHHHH!"-punctuated thrust.
Method Man - Long but comes too quick His methods need some perfecting.
Missy Elliott - pussy has a bad odor Missy, Missy, Missy. As a full-on lesbo, you should know better.
50 Cent - medium/long I already knew that.
Big Punisher - The same size of a can of air freshener Big Pun better be hung like one of those hospital-sized cans of disinfectant, because I can't see any other way you'd be able to extract his dick from all those fat rolls, God rest his soul.
Busta Rhymes - Big and long bit cant fuck. Just because you are left sore he thinks he did something. Man, I HATE guys like that. I feel you, Superhead.
Canibus - real long Canibus? Are you kidding?
Noreaga - Long but he cant fuck What would you expect with those dumb glasses he always wears?
Lil Wayne - nice and long Or not. He probably just shared some of his killer weed with Superhead and thus gave her a far rosier, higher impression of what it's like to bone Tha Carter.
Kanye West - Big but he cant fuck No, but he probably thinks he's God's gift to women's vaginas.
KRS-One - small Obviously. KRS One complains too much about everything. I know where it comes from.
LL Cool J - Nice and fat And gay.
The LOX - All of them are big except for styles. styles is very tiny. And J Hood is abnormally fat. Sounds like Superhead was causing some intrigue behind the scenes of the "Jenny From the Block" video. South, south Bronx!
Ludacris - Just perfect. Long and fat Big things come in little packages, I guess.
DMX - Long and can fuck forever Because he's on PCP!
Fabolous - big dick but comes to fast So it was less than fabolous?
Fat Joe - small at first but when erect he’s impressive. Because his cock emerges from his massive dimpled pelvis like a phoenix from the ashes.
Wyclef - Long but his breath stinks Probably from the lengthy vocal exercises needed to assume other Caribbean accents besides Haitian. For example, on R. Kelly's latest album, Wyclef is pretending to be Jamaican. Previously, he was fronting like he was Cuban with all that "Guantanamera" business. You can't blame him for accessing his tidal breath because he has to fake an accent to lend some Caribbean street cred to some song he's guest performing on.
Ghostface Killah - Long but he comes too quick God, has she fucked the entire Wu-Tang clan???
Anyway, I applaud Karrine's efforts to make money out of her extremely popular vagina without resorting strictly to prostitution and porn, both of which she has dabbled in. Because I'm a sucker for salacious gossip, I also applaud her fuck-and-tell-all policy. I plan to buy her new book as soon as it finds its way to the Barnes and Noble sale rack. What a hot-ass slut.
Labels: 50 cent, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, librophilia, Lil' Wayne, media whores, rap, sex, sluts
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