Monday, August 13, 2007
Mugshots are almost better than backshots...almost
Every week, The Smoking Gun features these mugshot galleries that I can't get enough of. They usually feature people making silly faces, or doing ridiculous shit, or wearing ironic shirts. Every time I look at one of these galleries, I seriously wish I was somehow involved in law enforcement. Along with the show "Cops," these mugshots prove one thing: criminals are hilarious, and I wish I got the opportunity to laugh at them as part of my daily job. Viruses are nowhere near this amusing. See for yourself:
If the blank, dead-eyed stare is any indication, this guy's dogs were let out some time ago. I think who let them go is irrelevant.
No thanks, dude...my body has already been inspected. I wonder if this guy's work as a "female body inspector" is the reason why he's having his picture taken by a county photographer.
Neither is eyebrow waxing, which is why this hooker has a couple of caterpillars adorning her gracious brow.
You're not Mr. Right Now, either.
Success is only measured in felony convictions if you're trying to join some type of international crime syndicate. Otherwise, a picture like this is more a measure of failure. But then again, you're already not on the road to success if you need a catchy t-shirt to provide instruction.
That nose injury--likely from the fight that got this bitch locked up on an assault charge in the first place--would lead me to believe otherwise.
I wonder if his wife and presumed prayer buddy will be visiting his whiskery ass in the pokey?
Okay, true. And we have more fun. And gentlemen prefer us. But usually not in prison stripes, blondie. And NEVER in that jail jumpsuit orange color...NOTHING makes a blonde bitch look more sallow and jaundiced than an orange shirt. Next time, get the shirt in red or blue, and stay on the good side of the law while you're rocking it.
CLEARLY.
Nothing is more convenient that getting busted with the bail bondsman's number handy.
And that somebody ain't you, sister.
This guy is literally wearing his defense on his shirt. His accomplices should have recruited someone in a "Stop Snitching" shirt for whatever caper landed them in the clink instead.
It's also a bad meth-face day.
This bitch may be party trained, and she's certainly party-hardened, but apparently she skipped the training program where they teach you to evade capture by the police.
Not yet you aren't.
Whatever the "Jedi way" entails besides engaging the Empire in an epic struggle for peace and freedom in the galaxy, I don't think it involves doing a shitload of crank and getting busted while acting the fool.
Don't believe that contrite statement, and don't look into this bitch's eyes either. I'm almost positive this bitch is the long-lost relative of the Basilisk Harry Potter dispatched with the sword of Godric Gryffindor in the Chamber of Secrets. The arresting officers had to read her Miranda rights in Parseltongue. Her gaze is deadly and her venomous fangs destroy Horcruxes. Trust.
Judging by the vacant eyes and mouth lesions--the natural dermatological consequence of sucking heavily on a crack pipe and/or a crack dealer's herpetic, purulent weiner--this chick didn't accomplish effective "living" or "loving" either.
Obviously. However, this burly gentlemen let it wander in the right direction, because he looks positively thrilled at the possibility of reuniting with his lifting buddies, AKA the skinheads in the prison weight room. Soon he'll be able to relive pleasant memories from his former vacations at the state's expense, like shanking rivals in the yard or conducting sodomy-themed orientation courses for new inmates in the showers. Good times.
3. Also, the person wearing this shirt.
Maybe not, but what you do do is an excellent impression of Miss J. Alexander, the runway coach and annoying queeny judge from "America's Next Top Model."
And if there's one thing Miss J. does VERY well, it's drama, so methinks that shirt is being just a wee bit untruthful. Besides, that rather androgynous criminal has a serious, "Oh no you DID-UNT, BITCH!" look his/her eyes, and that to me is the exact variety of drama implied by that shirt.
Anyway, I could look at these mugshots all day. I'm easily entertained by stupid people. You can go see more of them at The Smoking Gun, but be warned...it can result in hours of mindless e-dicking around.
If the blank, dead-eyed stare is any indication, this guy's dogs were let out some time ago. I think who let them go is irrelevant.
No thanks, dude...my body has already been inspected. I wonder if this guy's work as a "female body inspector" is the reason why he's having his picture taken by a county photographer.
Neither is eyebrow waxing, which is why this hooker has a couple of caterpillars adorning her gracious brow.
You're not Mr. Right Now, either.
Success is only measured in felony convictions if you're trying to join some type of international crime syndicate. Otherwise, a picture like this is more a measure of failure. But then again, you're already not on the road to success if you need a catchy t-shirt to provide instruction.
That nose injury--likely from the fight that got this bitch locked up on an assault charge in the first place--would lead me to believe otherwise.
I wonder if his wife and presumed prayer buddy will be visiting his whiskery ass in the pokey?
Okay, true. And we have more fun. And gentlemen prefer us. But usually not in prison stripes, blondie. And NEVER in that jail jumpsuit orange color...NOTHING makes a blonde bitch look more sallow and jaundiced than an orange shirt. Next time, get the shirt in red or blue, and stay on the good side of the law while you're rocking it.
CLEARLY.
Nothing is more convenient that getting busted with the bail bondsman's number handy.
And that somebody ain't you, sister.
This guy is literally wearing his defense on his shirt. His accomplices should have recruited someone in a "Stop Snitching" shirt for whatever caper landed them in the clink instead.
It's also a bad meth-face day.
This bitch may be party trained, and she's certainly party-hardened, but apparently she skipped the training program where they teach you to evade capture by the police.
Not yet you aren't.
Whatever the "Jedi way" entails besides engaging the Empire in an epic struggle for peace and freedom in the galaxy, I don't think it involves doing a shitload of crank and getting busted while acting the fool.
Don't believe that contrite statement, and don't look into this bitch's eyes either. I'm almost positive this bitch is the long-lost relative of the Basilisk Harry Potter dispatched with the sword of Godric Gryffindor in the Chamber of Secrets. The arresting officers had to read her Miranda rights in Parseltongue. Her gaze is deadly and her venomous fangs destroy Horcruxes. Trust.
Judging by the vacant eyes and mouth lesions--the natural dermatological consequence of sucking heavily on a crack pipe and/or a crack dealer's herpetic, purulent weiner--this chick didn't accomplish effective "living" or "loving" either.
Obviously. However, this burly gentlemen let it wander in the right direction, because he looks positively thrilled at the possibility of reuniting with his lifting buddies, AKA the skinheads in the prison weight room. Soon he'll be able to relive pleasant memories from his former vacations at the state's expense, like shanking rivals in the yard or conducting sodomy-themed orientation courses for new inmates in the showers. Good times.
3. Also, the person wearing this shirt.
Maybe not, but what you do do is an excellent impression of Miss J. Alexander, the runway coach and annoying queeny judge from "America's Next Top Model."
And if there's one thing Miss J. does VERY well, it's drama, so methinks that shirt is being just a wee bit untruthful. Besides, that rather androgynous criminal has a serious, "Oh no you DID-UNT, BITCH!" look his/her eyes, and that to me is the exact variety of drama implied by that shirt.
Anyway, I could look at these mugshots all day. I'm easily entertained by stupid people. You can go see more of them at The Smoking Gun, but be warned...it can result in hours of mindless e-dicking around.
Labels: America's Next Top Model, crime and punishment, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hilarious shit, I LOVE IT
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