Friday, August 10, 2007
Vote for my boyfriend (buy his album)
A few days ago, my boyfriend Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson decided to accept an offer by BET to host a debate between him and bitchy prima donna Kanye West. Their third albums, Fitty's Curtis and Kanye's Graduation, both drop like the Twin Towers on September 11th, and the mock candidates' debate will allow both rappers to publicly explain why they are superior to each other. I'd say that judging by album cover alone, Fitty wins by a longshot. He looks hot and intense, while pretentious douchebag Kanye's album looks like it was designed by a fifteen-year-old wannabe Harajuku girl snorting Oxycontin and watching a marathon of "I Love the 80s Strikes Back" on Vh1.
Kanye claims the debate is a stupid idea, saying "what am I going to debate about? It's the stupidest thing. When my album drops and 50's album drops, you're going to get a lot of good music at the same time." Some might consider this tactful, but I would argue that it's actually a cowardly way of pussying out because he knows he can't hold a candle to Fitty's world-famous dissing skills. Fitty isn't taking diplomacy as an answer, and has decided to raise the stakes in his competition with Kanye. He is literally betting his career on being better than Cuntface West according to "my favorite hip-hop website's favorite hip-hop website" SOHH.com. According to Fitty:
Checks not trophies! G-g-g-g-g-unIT!
"Let's raise the stakes. If Kanye West sells more records than 50 Cent on September 11, I'll no longer write music. I'll write music and work with my other artists, but I won't put out any more solo albums."WHAT?! This cannot be. I will freak out if I can't buy new music where Fitty says stuff like "I got no pick up lines, I stay on the grind, I tell the hoes all the time, 'Bitch, get in my car'" and "isn't it ironic how erotic it is to watch you in thongs" every couple of years. Fortunately, it seems that my boy CJ is confident that he'll win. He also had this to say:
"And I bet this, when Kanye West's sales come in, he's gonna have a 70% decrease [the second week] 'cause Def Jam is gonna buy records to keep him closer to 50 Cent. So watch the first week and then watch the second week. Watch his ass drop off the planet. We keep our angles covered before we make a decent bet. I didn't get one trophy for ‘The Massacre.' ... I don't get trophies, I get checks. He gets the trophies."Whew. I'm glad Fitty has his bases covered. I would expect him to, because it takes an especially prescient business mind to parlay a small investment in Glaceau into an overnight $400 million Vitamin Water fortune, but still...gambling with a career like his is enough to send me into fits of hysterical terror. I'll do my part to ensure that Fitty continues making ridiculous CDs by encouraging you all to go pre-order Curtis RIGHT NOW.
Checks not trophies! G-g-g-g-g-unIT!
Labels: 50 cent, boyfriends, capitalism, hot dudes, intentional buffoonery, rap
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sorry raz, but on this one i gotta go kanye. his lyrics are far more intelligent and address real issues, not the usual "i've got a chain, i've got money, i've got a nice car with nice rims" that 50 usually limits himself to. like it or not, kayne has a lot more wit and is a more talented producer to boot.
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# posted by 
: 8/12/2007 9:23 AM
: 8/12/2007 9:23 AM Links to this post:
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