Friday, September 28, 2007

 

Daily Douchebag: Javier Pena and all his little DEA agents


Name: Young Jeezy would call them "federales" or "Alphabet boys"

Occupation: killing everyone's buzzes

Douchebaggery: Apparently the DEA has nothing better to do than come up with new ways to ruin everybody's fun. Check this article from KTVU:

Feds Bust Pot-Laced Munchies Operation

OAKLAND -- Federal agents have seized hundreds of marijuana-laced candies, approximately 460 marijuana plants, one handgun, an unknown amount of money in a series of raids in the East Bay, authorities announced Thursday.

Drug Enforcement Administration Special Agent in Charge Javier F. Pena said multiple federal search and arrest warrants had been served in an investigation of Tainted Inc., an Oakland-based company that makes pot-laced candies sold in cannabis clubs in the Bay Area, Los Angeles, Seattle, Vancouver and Amsterdam in the Netherlands.

Among the products seized were marijuana-laced chocolate candy bars in multiple flavors, cookies, ice cream, peanut butter, jelly, BBQ sauce, chocolate syrup, flavored energy drinks, granola bars, moon pies, brownies, chocolate covered pretzels, and "rice krispy" treats.

"Tainting candy and other products with marijuana is not sweet, it is criminal," Pena said. "These items could have harmful effects on a user, especially the unsuspecting ones. Manufacturing, distributing, and possessing marijuana-laced products is in clear violation of federal law."

Pena said the investigation began about two years ago and led to Wednesday's searches of Tainted Inc.'s factory, marijuana growing facility, the El Sobrante home of owner Michael Martin, the residence of several other Tainted employees and cars identified as being used in Tainted's operations.

Agents also arrested Jessica Sanders, 30, of San Leandro; Michael Anderson, 42, of Oakland and Diallo McLinn, 35, also of Oakland on distribution charges.

Meanwhile, federal agents said Martin was being considered a federal fugitive at large.
Special Agent in Charge Javier Pena is an ASSHOLE! For one thing, this is the first I've heard about cannabis clubs in Seattle. I mean, not like I'd go to such an establishment because I don't do drugs, but I bet they have really delicious hash browns there. I mean hash brownies! I mean...whatever. Anyway, one thing wherever these mystery dens of pot smoking (that now I'll probably never get to go to since I still don't know where they are besides my friend Mullah AntoniHo's house) in the P-N-Dub won't have are all the delicious, THC-filled snacks listed above. I didn't know you could make weed-laced "flavored energy drinks" but if it's Sugar Free Red Bull, I want to try it! For investigative purposes only, of course.

Furthermore, I could make one hell of a rack of Super Bowl Sunday ribs with that BBQ sauce that they've mentioned up there. Or one hell of a PB & J sandwich. But alas, now these amazing meals will never come to pass now that the buzzkilling federal government has ended the party. No more Buddafingas for all you hungry potheads (and damn, that sounds good):

I don't see what the big deal is. While I realize that "it's not sweet (a matter of opinion), it's criminal" and "a clear violation of federal law," I thought the DEA went after bigger shit, like terrorists smuggling heroin and cartels in Colombia. According to his biography, Javier Pena earned his DEA stripes by running the investigation into a little cocaine dealer in Medellin named Pablo Escobar, and now he's busting candy stashes? Sounds like the war on drugs these days is pretty chill if they have time to send their hot shit DEA dudes after a bunch of pot brownie manufacturers stupid enough to both incorporate their illegal food supply operation AND name it "Tainted, Inc." Or maybe it's because they're not getting anywhere trying to burn down the Afghan poppy fields and in order to seem like they're doing something useful that the media can cover, they just go obnoxiously bust up places like Tainted and take candy out of the mouths of hungry stoners.

This is reason #459 to elect me president in seven years when I turn 35. For starters, I'm going to straight-up end the war on drugs as we know it. I'll fire everyone at the DEA and replace their asses with the producers of "Intervention" and lobbyists for NORML (who will be looking for jobs anyway, since I plan to legalize marijuana...AND prostitution, but that's another issue). Actually, what am I talking about? I'm a libertarian. The DEA is getting entirely downsized. Javier Pena will have to resort to selling drugs for his livelihood and I'll laugh at the irony after I derail his career as a civil servant. Razzy 2012! Think about it, it could work. And I'm in the market for a President of Vice if anyone's interested. You must be clever, eloquent, decent in bed (sexing me at my whim will most definitely be part of the job), fond of trashy television, hate the Yankees and Shitsburgh Stealers, preferably named either Curtis Jackson or Robert Sylvester Kelly, and almost constitutively drunk and/or stoned. I'm now accepting applications: razzy@razzy.org.

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# posted by Razzy @ 6:41 AM
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