RazzyBlog: Daily Douchebag: Star Simpson

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Daily Douchebag: Star Simpson

Name: Star Simpson (and NICE onesie jammies, BTW)

DOB: 1988

Occupation: per self--"inventor, artist, engineer, and student", and stupid "crazy idea" lover

Hometown: Kihea, Hawaii

Current residence: Boston, Assachusetts

Douchebaggery: Last week, Star Simpson's dumb ass decided that it would be a great idea to go pick her 42-year-old boyfriend (and you KNOW he's probably her nasty-ass troll of a comp sci professor at MIT) up from Logan International Airport wearing this fugly homemade sweatshirt:

Good idea, dumbass. Walk into the airport where two of the 9/11 flights took off from in the middle of 9/11 month wearing a fake bomb. I guess that is one of the "crazy ideas" that Star says she loves. After being arrested at gunpoint, Star explained that this stunt was a misunderstanding, and that her sweatshirt was an "art project" she had designed for "career day." I didn't go to MIT, but I am in science and I have gone to a few career fair-type things at the various fancy high-falutin' schools I've attended, and one thing I have NEVER seen is a fucking Hezbollah booth recruiting suicide bombers. I mean, what other career do you make yourself an exceptional candidate for besides IED-rocking terrorist with that sweatshirt? I guess one could make an argument for starving artist, but they're not hiring for that on career day either since being unemployed isn't a career. I shudder to think of what this bitch's resume must look like.

A lot of the blogs are coming to Star's defense, claiming that all the uptight Yankees running shit in Boston tend to overreact (like with that Cartoon Network thing that happened last year, a hoax/marketing stunt also perpetuated by a bunch of badly groomed geeks) and she didn't know it would be such a big deal. Given that this bitch hails from Hawaii, I'm willing to bet that she's been on a plane before and knows exactly how uptight and annoying airport security is. Even though going to MIT doesn't guarantee intelligence (as she has clearly demonstrated), I would think that it at least guarantees literacy, so it's hard to imagine how she didn't notice all the signs around every airport warn people imperatively not to joke or screw around with the TSA at the security checkpoints. A lot of these same blogs are pointing out that the bomb was Play-Doh and a 9-volt battery, and nobody would ever think bombs are made out of circuit boards and drugstore batteries anyway, so what's the harm? Well, I wouldn't think that bombs could be made out of fertilizer and fuel oil either (because I sucked at chemistry), but that didn't stop Timothy McVeigh from blowing up a fucking federal building with one. Besides, asking whether or not most people have any idea as to the specifics of whether a 9-volt battery and a garden variety circuit board can ignite plastic explosives is making a ridiculously high estimation of the intelligence and education level of the average American. All they know is that McGyver could probably have done it, so it seems like a plausible enough threat. The fact is that wearing a bomb-looking thing affixed to one's stank MIT hoodie is the modern day equivalent of falsely shouting "fire!" in a crowded theater, and bitch can't complain that she got detained.

I hope that wherever Star Simpson is right now, she feels like a real dumbass, because she is one. She's probably sweating her job prospects BIG TIME right now, since her other skill set involves providing the internets with instructions on how to motorize your rollerblades, crimp cables and wires, and make a backpack out of a plastic shopping bag: