Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Warren Steed Jeffs
DOB: December 3, 1955
Occupation: President and Prophet, Seer and Revelator of the Fundamentalist Church of the Latter Day Saints, Child Rapist and Child Rapist Accomplice
Hometown: Salt Lake Valley, Utah
Current residence: Purgatory Correctional Facility, Purgatory Flats, Utah (best name for a prison/prison town EVER)
Douchebaggery: After his father Rulon croaked, Warren took over as the HBIC of the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. This is a group that spun off the conventional Mormon church because they disagreed with church elders who banned a certain practice they felt was sanctioned by God (because Rulon said so, and he ws apparently a persuasive motherfucker): polygamous marriage to pubescent first cousins. Rulon gained a following after convincing them he was descended from Jesus Christ and Joseph Smith, which is like the Fundamentalist Mormon equivalent of what that DaVinci Code crap characterized as "the holy grail" (obviously that piece of facile trash was fictional, since everyone knows that Indiana Jones left that shit down some misty crevice in the temple at the end of the Canyon of the Crescent Moon after he healed the mortal bullet wound Sean Connery got courtesy of those pesky relic-crazy Nazis). and then hauled his congregation to the small town of Colorado City, Arizona. The whole polygamy-with-young girls thing resulted in a lot more babies and a lot more wives, and pretty soon the town was overrun.
Upon Rulon's death, Warren promptly took his dynasty by the reins and married all but two of his father's several dozen former wives and taking first pick of his hottest twelve-year-old blood relatives. He has over seventy fecund young brides now. In the meantime, he excommunicated as many teenage boys as possible to ensure that Warren and all his lecherous old brothers and cousins could fuck the town's young girls without any competition. When they got tired of the girls, Jeffs and his homeboys would amuse themselves by sodomizing their 5-7 year old male nephews and preaching racial bigotry (ie: "the black race is the people through which the devil has always been able to bring evil upon the earth") along with his doctrines of plural marriage, incest, and child rape. Obviously this man's resume has all the hallmarks of a great prophet. I'm sure Moses and Elijah and the elite crew we Catholics call "all the angels and saints" were up to those hijinx as well, and just forgot to mention it was essential to salvation and divine favor. Presumably Jesus got crucified before he got a chance to weave a clever parable encouraging incestuous pedophilia, so the Jeffs family got tapped to get the message out there that such acts are the highway to heaven.
I guess Jesus never gave Warren any insight about courage or the importance of having it, though, because the second he was charged with rape of a minor by state authorities in Utah and Arizona, the bitch tucked his undoubtedly small, crooked penis (he's got a SERIOUS crooked pencil dick vibe) between his scrawny legs and hit the road with a whole suicase full of wigs, trenchcoats, sunglasses, and various disguises. Since he was notorious enough to make the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list, he had to really get his fugitive on. As befits a criminal cult leader, he was also rolling in style; when he was arrested on I-15, he was cruising out of Vegas in a burgundy Escalade with a couple of the choicest children in his flock of top-notches, $55,000 cash, and 16 cell phones.
Yesterday, a jury in Utah convicted Jeffs of two counts of accomplice rape, each of which carries a sentence of five years to life, for directing a 14-year-old girl to marry her 19-year-old first cousin and subsequently exhorting her to "do her duty" and put out. Then he mounted a defense consisting of the first cousin rapist in question taking the stand and crying about how frustrating it was that his child bride wouldn't fuck him. The jury was like, "Cue the violins, perv" and voted for guilty. Now that Utah's had their way, Arizona is getting its turn to bitchslap this disgusting creep for eight counts of sexual conduct with a minor and incest. God willing, he'll be grabbing his ankles in the prison shower to reap the fruits of his prophecies for decades to come. That would really put the "penitent" in "penitentiary," and it's what a pussified hypocrite bitch like Warren Jeffs should rightfully get for using his interpretation of the Christian message as an excuse to bang kids. So I'm psyched that there's a good prospect Warren isn't ever going to shit right again. Justice is served.
Labels: assholes, comeuppance, Daily Douchebag, sexual assault
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