Monday, September 24, 2007

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Mike Carey


Name: Michael Carey

DOB: 1949 (!!!!-he looks WAAAAAAY younger)

Occupation: hottest referee in the National Football League

Hometown: San Diego, California

Current residence: San Diego, California

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Mike Carey is a NFL ref who does not fuck around. When he's calling some random penalty, he looks like a damn rhythmic gymnast. His hand motions are so precise that when he's calling a holding penalty, you can almost feel his hands grabbing your arm in his steely, practiced grip. He is particularly sexy when he demonstrates the motions for a face mask penalty, and his stoic expression makes you realize exactly how much the offending team deserves that loss of fifteen yards or half the distance to the goal (or five, but he's deadly serious even with the lesser face mask penalty). I swear this dude practices the motions for every penalty for hours. He probably stands in front of the mirror the same way Tyra Banks exhorts her would-be models to do on "America's Next Top Model." He demonstrates a level of dedication unparalleled by any other official in all of the National Football League.

Mike Carey also doesn't take any shit whatsoever. He has ejected more players from games than any other referee in NFL history. I can just imagine some loudmouth shit-talker like Jeremy Shockey trying to haggle with him over some dinky 5-yard penalty, and getting summarily booted for being an asshole. If you've ever watched a NFL game, you know that the players and coaches argue with the ref about any and every call. Mike Carey will put up with that, but anyone foolish enough to call him an asshole, make an obscene gesture, or otherwise show disrespect will be hitting the fucking showers promptly. Mike Carey runs a tight ship, and he is grossly underappreciated.

Mike has never officiated a Super Bowl, and this is a crime. As you can tell by his impeccably trimmed mustache, he has an eye for precision and detail. If he had been the referee in, say, the day of unfairness and misery so great it was exceeded only by Pearl Harbor and 9/11 known as Super Bowl XL, this bullshit offensive pass interference call against Darryl Jackson--thus stripping the Seahawks of a touchdown--would never have happened:

Nor would Ben Roethlisberger going down by contact a good inch or two short of the goal line EVER been ruled a touchdown:

BITCH DIDN'T GET THE BALL ACROSS THE PLANE OF THE GOAL LINE! I mean, the ball was tucked up under his pussified little nutsack! It's nowhere NEAR the plane of the goal line! Mike Carey would have not only taken notice of this when this play was reviewed, but he would have declared it bullshit with the most perfectly choreographed and executed hand signals.

Most importantly, however, he never would have sold a Super Bowl, and especially wouldn't do so by such blatantly obvious bad officiating. For one thing, he's independently wealthy thanks to his side business of inventing and manufacturing ski boot accessories, so he doesn't need to taint his legacy out of sheer greed. For another, he is a man of integrity who would never succumb to the temptations of Heinz family money delivered by Big-Chin Cowher in hopes of boosting sales of soon-to-be throwback Bettis jerseys:

Okay, that picture MIGHT be fake. I'm sure that when the Stealers actually bribed the officials in the hopes that they would invent offensive penalties against the Seahawks, fudge where Roethlisberger's knee went down and where the ball was, and ignore gratuitous horse-collar tackles, they wrapped the money in a Terrible Towel for discretion. Not that I'm bitter or anything. But regardless, those sorts of corrupt shenanigans would NEVER have gone down had Mike Carey been running the show.

Therefore, when the Seahawks rise to the top of the toilet known as the NFC and go to the Super Bowl again (hey, a girl can dream, and the Hawks are now 2-1), Mike Carey better get the fucking nod. He is the fair, amazingly accurate, detail-oriented hotness.

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# posted by Razzy @ 7:41 AM
Comments:
How about the way he screwed the Patriots in this year's Superbowl? The Giants offensive line was allowed to hold as much as they wanted, in fact if you watch Eli Manning's "amazing escape" before the pass to David Tyree, you'll see an offensive lineman with the Patriot's player in a headlock/chokehold..his forearm is COMPLETELY around the man's neck from behind. that is holding X 100 and Mike Carey was in PERFECT position to see it, he just didnt call it. Congratulations Giants, you're Superbowl rings are meaningless, you're not champions.
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 4/08/2008 11:11 PM
 
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