Thursday, September 27, 2007
De-Colonize this
Unfortunately, I sometimes get annoying e-mails from undergraduates at Columbia who are all caught up in the whole college activism thing. Granted, I think many of the activist causes are good ideas in theory, but usually the people who get into it are such a bunch of humorless, condescending jerkoffs that you end up rooting against them regardless of your beliefs in their mission to end racism, sexism, classism, ageism, homophobia, or whatever else. I was hoping that being in grad school for hard science would result in exposure primarily to people concerned about no cause other than their thesis who are too busy working to waste time being insufferable demagogues. Generally, this is the case, but every once in a while something comes up.
My first year, some girl used the grad school listserv to encourage everyone to go to Central Park and participate in some kind of anti-George Bush 5K fun run, and the three diehard Republicans went apeshit about using the listserv to facilitate whiny liberal propaganda or whatever. I'm also constantly getting e-mails about Columbia abusing eminent domain to take over part of Manhattanville, where they plan to build a slick new campus for all the neuroscience research because neuro is SO HOT right now. So long as Dinosaur BBQ stays in business, I could care less. They have awesome ribs and brisket. Anyway, every once in a blue moon, some campus organization sends something that is so unbelievably stupid that I wonder if the idea didn't originate at Smith College. This is one of those e-mails:
Well, Samantha, I hate to burst your self-righteous bubble or otherwise interrupt your gathering of other overprivileged Ivy League college students to whine about oppression, but "the historic myth of conquest" is not a myth. If it was a myth that those conquistadores who tore up South America with smallpox and muskets, the explorers who exterminated tribes of people in the West Indies, and the European powers who eventually cowed the indiginous peoples of North America, then you'd have nothing to complain about. They actually did that shit. It wasn't right, but it actually happened, so it's not a fucking myth!
Also, by declaring your lack of support for "the historical myth of conquest," do you mean that you're planning on making up a "decolonization myth" instead? Because that indeed would be a myth, since colonialism happened for a couple centuries. Last I checked, my hometown was still part Indian reservation and socioeconomic class-based racial stratification still is in full swing, so how does your renaming of Columbus Day do anything but assuage the apparent historical white man's guilt you and all the other bitches from Connecticut felt in your History of Indiginous Peoples class? But then again, I guess that's what myth-perpetuating is all about.
I'd like to know how exactly "claim(ing) campus spaces" for a bunch of interminable drum circles and hacky-sacking is supposed to "empower those whose lives, homes, and cultures were stolen." Because nothing--and I mean NOTHING--can mitigate the sting of historical wrongs like the slave trade, the Trail of Tears, and the fall of the mighty Aztecs like a bunch of hippies skipping class and stinking up the steps of Low Library. Unless you plan to ship all the white people back to Europe, you're not "de-colonizing" so much as "distracting" and "irritating" everyone else with your extraordinarily lame way of spending Columbus Day, which is a righteous holiday because it's a day off with absolutely no obligation to do anything but enjoy it.
Since Samantha and crew are so busy committing to issues and "performing their solidarity " (a performance that I suspect will involve many hairy armpits and acoustic guitars) because they're so worked up about the name of Columbus Day, and the only issue clearly articulated here is the problem of using the name "Columbus" which is apparently synonymous with every dominating , native people-abusing European power of yesteryear, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that she'd better start filling out her (Smith College) transfer application now. Because in spite of her dumb ass attributing all the past evils of the world to the name "Columbus," she seems unaware that the school she attends--Columbia--is in fact named after Columbus also! "Columbia" is the feminine version of "Columbus"! And since I can't imagine any more than a handful of radically-minded morons would want to change the name of this hallowed ivory tower to Decolonization University, this renaming as an antidote to historically shameful exploration programs is clearly an idea drafted by stupid, narrow-minded retards.
Needless to say, I'm "madddddd busy," so much so that I won't have time to "get the deetz" to come up with a "dope" way to "perform my solidarity" on October 8th. Sadly, grad students don't really get to take Columbus Day off, so I'll be too busy in lab to make it to the Morningside Campus for this pointless orgy of pseudo-empowerment. I will, however, give a suggestion as to how undergrads could better use their boundless energy on Columbus Day.
When I was in my junior year at Smith, I was stuck at school on Columbus Day when nearly everyone else had gone home to their families for the long weekend. I was sitting around drinking with two of my friends H and A, one of whom was also from the west coast (and, in fact, the P-N-Dub) and thus didn't fly all the way back to Oregon, and one of whom was from Northampton, so she was already home. We were bored and drunk, and somehow decided that it would be funny if we made an amateur porn movie. So I went and borrowed a camcorder from this other bitch down the hall (who declined to be in it...pussy), and then asked my boyfriend Benzo, "hey, do you want to go over to your parents' house (they were out of town) and videotape us having sex with H and A?" What kind of guy says no to that? Not Benzo, that's for sure. "Uh...YES!" he responded.
Appropriately, Benzo's parents' house was on COLUMBUS Street and he chose the name "Bobby Columbus" for his amateur porn debut. After an all-girl three-way brought about by a poorly acted attempt to rearrange furniture into a more orgy-friendly configuration, "Bobby Columbus" the door-to-door dildo salesman demonstrating his wares on A, and me fucking Bobby Columbus in cowgirl, Columbus Day would forever have a far different meaning for me than a celebration of the subjugation of the indiginous people by imperialistic European colonial assholes. And that's how you dumb 19-year-olds at Columbia should be spending your Columbus Day, not busy getting empowered with a bunch of idiotic blowhard activists. You're in college for God's sake; lighten up and try not to be so fucking stupid.
My first year, some girl used the grad school listserv to encourage everyone to go to Central Park and participate in some kind of anti-George Bush 5K fun run, and the three diehard Republicans went apeshit about using the listserv to facilitate whiny liberal propaganda or whatever. I'm also constantly getting e-mails about Columbia abusing eminent domain to take over part of Manhattanville, where they plan to build a slick new campus for all the neuroscience research because neuro is SO HOT right now. So long as Dinosaur BBQ stays in business, I could care less. They have awesome ribs and brisket. Anyway, every once in a blue moon, some campus organization sends something that is so unbelievably stupid that I wonder if the idea didn't originate at Smith College. This is one of those e-mails:
From: Samantha Stanton (shs2121@columbia.edu)
To: every single last Columbia e-mail address including mine
Subject: de-colonization day
Hey guys,
I know you folks are maddddd busy, but it would really be dope if you could do something for De-Colonization Day. As you know, SPEaK and Latino Heritage Month are putting it on October 8th, here's our little blurb:
On October 8th we will rename "Columbus day" "decolonization day" because we do not support the historical myth of conquest. We instead empower those whose lives, homes and cultures were stolen. On this day we claim campus spaces to express our histories, celebrations, oppressions, visions and triumphs. There will be music and performance on Low Plaza from 12-2 as part of latino Heritage Month. We invite your organizations to join us in our celebration of decolonization by participating in the day's festivities.
If you are interested in celebrating DECOLONIZATION DAY, please RSVP with your commitment to an issue, and how you will perform your solidarity on October 8th.
Let me know if you need more deetz
peace, power and love,
--
Samantha Stanton
Columbia College, 2009
"Don't talk about it, be about it"
Well, Samantha, I hate to burst your self-righteous bubble or otherwise interrupt your gathering of other overprivileged Ivy League college students to whine about oppression, but "the historic myth of conquest" is not a myth. If it was a myth that those conquistadores who tore up South America with smallpox and muskets, the explorers who exterminated tribes of people in the West Indies, and the European powers who eventually cowed the indiginous peoples of North America, then you'd have nothing to complain about. They actually did that shit. It wasn't right, but it actually happened, so it's not a fucking myth!
Also, by declaring your lack of support for "the historical myth of conquest," do you mean that you're planning on making up a "decolonization myth" instead? Because that indeed would be a myth, since colonialism happened for a couple centuries. Last I checked, my hometown was still part Indian reservation and socioeconomic class-based racial stratification still is in full swing, so how does your renaming of Columbus Day do anything but assuage the apparent historical white man's guilt you and all the other bitches from Connecticut felt in your History of Indiginous Peoples class? But then again, I guess that's what myth-perpetuating is all about.
I'd like to know how exactly "claim(ing) campus spaces" for a bunch of interminable drum circles and hacky-sacking is supposed to "empower those whose lives, homes, and cultures were stolen." Because nothing--and I mean NOTHING--can mitigate the sting of historical wrongs like the slave trade, the Trail of Tears, and the fall of the mighty Aztecs like a bunch of hippies skipping class and stinking up the steps of Low Library. Unless you plan to ship all the white people back to Europe, you're not "de-colonizing" so much as "distracting" and "irritating" everyone else with your extraordinarily lame way of spending Columbus Day, which is a righteous holiday because it's a day off with absolutely no obligation to do anything but enjoy it.
Since Samantha and crew are so busy committing to issues and "performing their solidarity " (a performance that I suspect will involve many hairy armpits and acoustic guitars) because they're so worked up about the name of Columbus Day, and the only issue clearly articulated here is the problem of using the name "Columbus" which is apparently synonymous with every dominating , native people-abusing European power of yesteryear, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that she'd better start filling out her (Smith College) transfer application now. Because in spite of her dumb ass attributing all the past evils of the world to the name "Columbus," she seems unaware that the school she attends--Columbia--is in fact named after Columbus also! "Columbia" is the feminine version of "Columbus"! And since I can't imagine any more than a handful of radically-minded morons would want to change the name of this hallowed ivory tower to Decolonization University, this renaming as an antidote to historically shameful exploration programs is clearly an idea drafted by stupid, narrow-minded retards.
Needless to say, I'm "madddddd busy," so much so that I won't have time to "get the deetz" to come up with a "dope" way to "perform my solidarity" on October 8th. Sadly, grad students don't really get to take Columbus Day off, so I'll be too busy in lab to make it to the Morningside Campus for this pointless orgy of pseudo-empowerment. I will, however, give a suggestion as to how undergrads could better use their boundless energy on Columbus Day.
When I was in my junior year at Smith, I was stuck at school on Columbus Day when nearly everyone else had gone home to their families for the long weekend. I was sitting around drinking with two of my friends H and A, one of whom was also from the west coast (and, in fact, the P-N-Dub) and thus didn't fly all the way back to Oregon, and one of whom was from Northampton, so she was already home. We were bored and drunk, and somehow decided that it would be funny if we made an amateur porn movie. So I went and borrowed a camcorder from this other bitch down the hall (who declined to be in it...pussy), and then asked my boyfriend Benzo, "hey, do you want to go over to your parents' house (they were out of town) and videotape us having sex with H and A?" What kind of guy says no to that? Not Benzo, that's for sure. "Uh...YES!" he responded.
Appropriately, Benzo's parents' house was on COLUMBUS Street and he chose the name "Bobby Columbus" for his amateur porn debut. After an all-girl three-way brought about by a poorly acted attempt to rearrange furniture into a more orgy-friendly configuration, "Bobby Columbus" the door-to-door dildo salesman demonstrating his wares on A, and me fucking Bobby Columbus in cowgirl, Columbus Day would forever have a far different meaning for me than a celebration of the subjugation of the indiginous people by imperialistic European colonial assholes. And that's how you dumb 19-year-olds at Columbia should be spending your Columbus Day, not busy getting empowered with a bunch of idiotic blowhard activists. You're in college for God's sake; lighten up and try not to be so fucking stupid.
Labels: Assachusetts, assholes, correspondence, Dumb Smith bitches, grad school bullshit, intentional buffoonery, perversion, porn, Razzification, retard rage, scathing indictments, sex, sluts
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Ah those Columbus Day memories.....so nice. Razzy, I have one slot at starting qb this weekend and my qb's are Brett Farve and Matt Hassleback. Without infusing your rampant Seahawk favoritism who would you start? Farve at Minn. or Hassleback at San Fran?
# posted by 
: 9/27/2007 10:18 AM
: 9/27/2007 10:18 AM
First things first: Start Hasselbeck, Benzo. Favre is due to succumb to the law of averages this weekend, and the Seahawks are playing a San Francisco defense that can't seem to tackle anybody. Still, Nate Clements is the shit.
Now, on to the pseudointellectual hippies...is it possible for students at an Ivy League university to be so staggeringly ignorant that they would choose to denigrate Columbus Day as a way of celebrating Latino/Hispanic culture? Seriously?! Hate to break it to these self-righteous twats, but hispanics (myself included) owe their collective existence on this continent to COLONIZATION. Advocating de-colonization is intellectually dishonest and at best, a circular argument in white, middle class guilt.
With all due respect to Razzy's Columbus Day suggestions, here's one that's a bit more modest: read a book. Any book. Just read something. Oh yeah, and try colonizing your dormitory's showers for a few minutes.
Now, on to the pseudointellectual hippies...is it possible for students at an Ivy League university to be so staggeringly ignorant that they would choose to denigrate Columbus Day as a way of celebrating Latino/Hispanic culture? Seriously?! Hate to break it to these self-righteous twats, but hispanics (myself included) owe their collective existence on this continent to COLONIZATION. Advocating de-colonization is intellectually dishonest and at best, a circular argument in white, middle class guilt.
With all due respect to Razzy's Columbus Day suggestions, here's one that's a bit more modest: read a book. Any book. Just read something. Oh yeah, and try colonizing your dormitory's showers for a few minutes.
No rampant Seahawks favoritism here, but I have to concur with Morrissey'sHair on this one, Benzo. For one thing, I'd take almost ANY quarterback against the Niners defense. For another, I'd never take Favre's inconsistent, washed-up ass under any circumstances (and if Unicorn Dick from my Fantasy league is reading this, no that I will NEVER trade him for LT so stop asking!), because at best, he'll have a mediocre day, and at worst, he'll throw at least five passes to the Minnesota secondary. Go with Old Baldy.
Razzy, I 'm starting Hassleback. I was leaning that way anyway. With my team kicking serious ass and it being a high-stakes league I can't really take too many chances. This seems like the weekend that LT actually starts producing plus with Jackson out in St. Louis hopefully Holt picks up some production. Thank god I have Randy Moss or I would never be 3-0. Good news for your Seahawks....they don't have to play the Patriots this year.
# posted by : 9/28/2007 10:23 AM
: 9/28/2007 10:23 AM
you are a sad sad jaded and misinformed person. good luck with life.
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# posted by : 9/28/2007 4:39 PM
: 9/28/2007 4:39 PM Links to this post:
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