Saturday, September 29, 2007
Super, SUPER Saturday
I woke up early this morning like a little kid on Christmas, because today something supremely awesome is going down: I'm getting together with my bitches to drink beer, blow on some trees, eat pizza, and watch "Beverly Hills, 90210" (AKA "Nine-o" AKA "Bev Niner" AKA the BEST SHOW in the entire HISTORY of television) season 2 DVDs!!!!!!!!!--wait, I need more exclamation points to truly convey my feelings about this--!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We already had a Bev Niner day when the season 2 DVDs dropped in May, but decided we could not wait until December 11th when season 3 (containing the infamous "Donna Martin graduates!" episode and multiple instances where David Silver overcomes racial tensions by rapping) is released. When we did this in May, I woke up at the ass crack of dawn and started calling my fellow Bev Niner aficionados and the calls all went something like this:
Rack: 'Sup, Raz?
Razzy: What it do? Did I wake you up?
Rack: Nah, man, I'm at a pub.
Razzy: A pub at 10 a.m. Nice. Are you watching soccer or something?
(Rack loves foreigners--such as her current British boyfriend OldGuy--so she keeps abreast of decidedly un-American sports like soccer).
Rack: It's FOOTBALL, Raz.
Razzy: Soccer.
Rack: Football.
Razzy: Soccer.
Rack: Anyway, this could go on all day. BT-dubs, there's a hobbit here.
Razzy: A what?
Rack: A HOBBIT, dude. Like from your favorite movies.
Razzy: Really? Which one?
Rack: Pippin, maybe? I don't know...the one that's on "Lost" now.
Razzy: Oh, that's Merry. Go take a picture with him, I'll put it on my blog.
Rack: I'll try, it's pretty packed in here. Anyway, what time are you going to JerseyGirl's?
Razzy: A-fucking-SAP. Dude, I'm so excited.
Rack: Me too!
Razzy: Dude, I watched disc 4 the other night, and I just about had an orgasm it was so fucking hot.
Rack: Dude, I'm totally excited.
Razzy: Okay, JerseyGirl's on the other line, I'll see you around 12:30. Try to get a picture with Merry Brandybuck.
Rack: I'll do my best. Bye.
(I click over to the other line.)
Razzy: DUDE! ARE YOU FUCKING EXCITED?!
JerseyGirl: DUDE! Oh my God, YES!
Razzy: I couldn't resist, I had to watch some the other night, and can I just tell you how fucking rad this is?
JerseyGirl: We HAVE to start with the episode where Emily Valentine slips U4EA into Brandon's drink at the underground club.
Razzy: Well, that's episode 3 on disc 4, but I have to tell you, the whole thing is the money DVD of the entire collection. Episode 1 on that is "Halloween," where Kelly gets dumped and goes to this party as the sluttiest witch in the history of Halloween costumes.
JerseyGirl: Uh huh...
Razzy: And then Brenda and everyone else are all, "Don't you think you're asking for trouble?" and Kelly's like, "Loosen up! If I can handle my mom's epic coke-and-booze binges at the mother-daughter fashion show, I can handle this outfit."
JerseyGirl: And then she almost gets date raped again, right?
Razzy: Totally...by this USC frat boy dressed as a Wild West gunslinger, who never gets out of character even when he's trying to force himself on her. He's all, "Well, that there dress don't look like you're sayin' no to me, lil' darlin'." It's some quality acting.
JerseyGirl: And Steve Sanders beats his ass for calling Kelly a slut! God, I love Steve.
Razzy: YES! And I so concur. Anyway, then in the NEXT episode Scott shoots himself in front of David Silver, and then is the infamous U4EA episode, and then Emily Valentine goes crazy and steals Brandon's vintage "Walsh '87" Minnesota Twins World Series jersey and tries to burn down the homecoming float while Brenda and Dylan practically fuck in the audience at the symphony.
JerseyGirl: What episode is the one where Jim Walsh catches Dylan and Brenda making out in the shower at the Beverly Hills Beach Club?
Razzy: I think that's before...disc 1 is the "summer season". God, Jim Walsh is the worst father ever. He had such egregious double standards for Brandon and Brenda.
JerseyGirl: I fucking HATE Jim Walsh. He was so unfair. Holy shit. I'm SO excited. Get your ass over here at 12:30 sharp.
Razzy: Oh, fa sho! I'll be there with the DVDs and a sixer of Heine.
JerseyGirl: Awesome.
Rack, JerseyGirl, and JerseyGirl's friend Senioritis feel me so hard on the Bev Niner tip. We keep talking about making a video for my blog called "Mystery Science Theater 90210", where we'll just tape ourselves watching Niner and commenting on it. This may actually happen today now that I figured out how to use my MacBook's webcam. Our knowledge of this show is so fucking encyclopedic we should all get honorary doctorates in it, and between the four of us, we may have seen every episode from all ten seasons at least five times each. JerseyGirl and I send each other texts all the time that are like, "Dylan, you're scaring me!" and "Dammit, Dylan, if you're going to drink then get the hell out of my house!", and assorted other quotes derived from the tempestuous whirlwind of passion otherwise known as the coupling of Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay.
We are so into this that we had to schedule another day--today--to rewatch the season 2's greatest hits because season 2 is just so hot. Bev Niner really came into its own during season 2. David Silver started becoming cool (aided by his geeky childhood best friend Scott's convenient accidental demise by self-inflicted gunshot wound, and his father the oral surgeon's affair with Kelly's now-sober ex-Farley Girl mom Jackie) and begins his disc jockeying career spinning for the West Beverly PA system, Kelly hones her chops as Beverly Hills' resident snotty rich cunt, Donna discovers her mother's terrible secret while stalking Color Me Badd at the Bel Age Hotel, Steve confronts his adoption issues, Brandon engages in the ill-fated torrid affair with the verifiably insane Emily Valentine, Brenda ups her typical volatile and unreasonable bitchiness to a whole new level, Andrea Zuckerman becomes even more annoying and self-righteous as she tackles heavy issues like the Holocaust, gun control, and AIDS, and Dylan copes with his abandonment issues by falling off the wagon, surfing, porking Brenda, having increasingly frequent fits of rage, and wearing very ill-advised sleeveless Baja jackets:
In fairness, it's hard to make fun of Dylan's early-90s SoCal surfer clothes or those super dated Vuarnet shades he's rocking when Steve Sanders is showcasing his muscle definition by posing like a ballerina with a pair of O.P. short-shorts and a surfboard. And that's nothing compared to the fashions the ladies are sporting:
Love the fucking ruffled peasant blouse that Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman's trying to youth it up with in this picture. It's too bad it doesn't change the fact that she looks like a 36-year-old mother of two who drives a minivan instead of a socially challenged yet earnest and perky 17-year-old editor of the West Beverly Blaze. She doesn't get to sex it up like Kelly and Donna, with their underwire Laura Ashley floral pattern bikinis.
If you don't decide to spend the rest of the day watching "Beverly Hills, 90210" (which by now you have undoubtedly decided to purchase and place in a place of honor, like right by your Bible or dictionary or integrals table or copy of The Sun Also Rises or whatever you consider an absolute essential), then you have really, really fucked priorities. I'm watching this morning's Niner reruns on SoapNet to prefunk. Bev Niner FOREVER!
We already had a Bev Niner day when the season 2 DVDs dropped in May, but decided we could not wait until December 11th when season 3 (containing the infamous "Donna Martin graduates!" episode and multiple instances where David Silver overcomes racial tensions by rapping) is released. When we did this in May, I woke up at the ass crack of dawn and started calling my fellow Bev Niner aficionados and the calls all went something like this:
Rack: 'Sup, Raz?
Razzy: What it do? Did I wake you up?
Rack: Nah, man, I'm at a pub.
Razzy: A pub at 10 a.m. Nice. Are you watching soccer or something?
(Rack loves foreigners--such as her current British boyfriend OldGuy--so she keeps abreast of decidedly un-American sports like soccer).
Rack: It's FOOTBALL, Raz.
Razzy: Soccer.
Rack: Football.
Razzy: Soccer.
Rack: Anyway, this could go on all day. BT-dubs, there's a hobbit here.
Razzy: A what?
Rack: A HOBBIT, dude. Like from your favorite movies.
Razzy: Really? Which one?
Rack: Pippin, maybe? I don't know...the one that's on "Lost" now.
Razzy: Oh, that's Merry. Go take a picture with him, I'll put it on my blog.
Rack: I'll try, it's pretty packed in here. Anyway, what time are you going to JerseyGirl's?
Razzy: A-fucking-SAP. Dude, I'm so excited.
Rack: Me too!
Razzy: Dude, I watched disc 4 the other night, and I just about had an orgasm it was so fucking hot.
Rack: Dude, I'm totally excited.
Razzy: Okay, JerseyGirl's on the other line, I'll see you around 12:30. Try to get a picture with Merry Brandybuck.
Rack: I'll do my best. Bye.
(I click over to the other line.)
Razzy: DUDE! ARE YOU FUCKING EXCITED?!
JerseyGirl: DUDE! Oh my God, YES!
Razzy: I couldn't resist, I had to watch some the other night, and can I just tell you how fucking rad this is?
JerseyGirl: We HAVE to start with the episode where Emily Valentine slips U4EA into Brandon's drink at the underground club.
Razzy: Well, that's episode 3 on disc 4, but I have to tell you, the whole thing is the money DVD of the entire collection. Episode 1 on that is "Halloween," where Kelly gets dumped and goes to this party as the sluttiest witch in the history of Halloween costumes.
JerseyGirl: Uh huh...
Razzy: And then Brenda and everyone else are all, "Don't you think you're asking for trouble?" and Kelly's like, "Loosen up! If I can handle my mom's epic coke-and-booze binges at the mother-daughter fashion show, I can handle this outfit."
JerseyGirl: And then she almost gets date raped again, right?
Razzy: Totally...by this USC frat boy dressed as a Wild West gunslinger, who never gets out of character even when he's trying to force himself on her. He's all, "Well, that there dress don't look like you're sayin' no to me, lil' darlin'." It's some quality acting.
JerseyGirl: And Steve Sanders beats his ass for calling Kelly a slut! God, I love Steve.
Razzy: YES! And I so concur. Anyway, then in the NEXT episode Scott shoots himself in front of David Silver, and then is the infamous U4EA episode, and then Emily Valentine goes crazy and steals Brandon's vintage "Walsh '87" Minnesota Twins World Series jersey and tries to burn down the homecoming float while Brenda and Dylan practically fuck in the audience at the symphony.
JerseyGirl: What episode is the one where Jim Walsh catches Dylan and Brenda making out in the shower at the Beverly Hills Beach Club?
Razzy: I think that's before...disc 1 is the "summer season". God, Jim Walsh is the worst father ever. He had such egregious double standards for Brandon and Brenda.
JerseyGirl: I fucking HATE Jim Walsh. He was so unfair. Holy shit. I'm SO excited. Get your ass over here at 12:30 sharp.
Razzy: Oh, fa sho! I'll be there with the DVDs and a sixer of Heine.
JerseyGirl: Awesome.
Rack, JerseyGirl, and JerseyGirl's friend Senioritis feel me so hard on the Bev Niner tip. We keep talking about making a video for my blog called "Mystery Science Theater 90210", where we'll just tape ourselves watching Niner and commenting on it. This may actually happen today now that I figured out how to use my MacBook's webcam. Our knowledge of this show is so fucking encyclopedic we should all get honorary doctorates in it, and between the four of us, we may have seen every episode from all ten seasons at least five times each. JerseyGirl and I send each other texts all the time that are like, "Dylan, you're scaring me!" and "Dammit, Dylan, if you're going to drink then get the hell out of my house!", and assorted other quotes derived from the tempestuous whirlwind of passion otherwise known as the coupling of Brenda Walsh and Dylan McKay.
We are so into this that we had to schedule another day--today--to rewatch the season 2's greatest hits because season 2 is just so hot. Bev Niner really came into its own during season 2. David Silver started becoming cool (aided by his geeky childhood best friend Scott's convenient accidental demise by self-inflicted gunshot wound, and his father the oral surgeon's affair with Kelly's now-sober ex-Farley Girl mom Jackie) and begins his disc jockeying career spinning for the West Beverly PA system, Kelly hones her chops as Beverly Hills' resident snotty rich cunt, Donna discovers her mother's terrible secret while stalking Color Me Badd at the Bel Age Hotel, Steve confronts his adoption issues, Brandon engages in the ill-fated torrid affair with the verifiably insane Emily Valentine, Brenda ups her typical volatile and unreasonable bitchiness to a whole new level, Andrea Zuckerman becomes even more annoying and self-righteous as she tackles heavy issues like the Holocaust, gun control, and AIDS, and Dylan copes with his abandonment issues by falling off the wagon, surfing, porking Brenda, having increasingly frequent fits of rage, and wearing very ill-advised sleeveless Baja jackets:
In fairness, it's hard to make fun of Dylan's early-90s SoCal surfer clothes or those super dated Vuarnet shades he's rocking when Steve Sanders is showcasing his muscle definition by posing like a ballerina with a pair of O.P. short-shorts and a surfboard. And that's nothing compared to the fashions the ladies are sporting:
Love the fucking ruffled peasant blouse that Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman's trying to youth it up with in this picture. It's too bad it doesn't change the fact that she looks like a 36-year-old mother of two who drives a minivan instead of a socially challenged yet earnest and perky 17-year-old editor of the West Beverly Blaze. She doesn't get to sex it up like Kelly and Donna, with their underwire Laura Ashley floral pattern bikinis.
If you don't decide to spend the rest of the day watching "Beverly Hills, 90210" (which by now you have undoubtedly decided to purchase and place in a place of honor, like right by your Bible or dictionary or integrals table or copy of The Sun Also Rises or whatever you consider an absolute essential), then you have really, really fucked priorities. I'm watching this morning's Niner reruns on SoapNet to prefunk. Bev Niner FOREVER!
Labels: Bev Niner, I LOVE IT, JerseyGirl, Rack, Razzification
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