Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Britney not as bad as Benedixteen
Supposedly Britney Spears's album (which DROPPED AT MIDNIGHT, BTW, Y'ALL! Go pick it up and start bumping soon-to-be immortal classics like "Hot as Ice," "Freakshow," and my personal favorite, "Get Naked (I've Got a Plan)" today...or better yet, illegally download it from a peer-to-peer file sharing network!) contains some artwork offensive to Catholics.
Usually "offensive to Catholics" stuff never offends me, but I get the feeling that my threshold for offensiveness is much higher than your average follower of the gospels as theologized by Rome. Madonna dancing around with plaid skirted schoolgirls underneath three burning crosses singing "Like a Prayer"? Yawn. Fully frontal naked Jesus made of chocolate? Sounds delicious. A painting of the Blessed Virgin covered in horse manure? Well, in fairness, she did give birth in a barn. I have a hard time believing the Holy Family, without reservations, short on denarii already, and at the height of Roman tax season in Bethlehem, were able to secure accomodations in a guaranteed manure-free stable. Basically, none of this stuff that is supposed to horrify my Catholic sensibilities ever does. I mean, I've got better things to do than get all hot and bothered about Madonna, who made a career mocking Catholicism, to the point of showing my outrage by boycotting Pepsi or whatever. Who fucking cares? Is it really a fucking attack on my faith that Madonna's leathery, middle-aged, turkey-necked, baby-stealing, cult-belonging ass wants to sing that appalling "Music" song (something about the way Madonna says "bourgeoisie" just infuriates me) from a perch atop a giant mirror-tiled cross. If Madonna wants to make like Jesus and get her crucifixion on for the sake of justifying $150 ticket prices on her last tour, I really could care less, because she's always pulling bullshit like that. Jesus is probably bored of her doing shit like that at this point. I'd like to think that the Son of God has better things to do than worry about the oldest trick in Madonna's business book.
So I was curious to see what Britney had come up with that would be so offensive. Behold, Catholics...if you think you can stomach it, anyway. It's far worse than anything Madonna has ever done. And by "worse," I mean "less interesting."
Okay, the only thing I can see here that's unrealistic is that a priest would go for Britney seducing him into providing her with the sacrament of reconciliation. If priests are into any sex kittens it's boys, and minus ten years in the age department. Unless, of course, they've changed the way a standard confession goes since I last went (1993). In the intervening fifteen years since I last asked the big three-in-one to forgive sins I don't even remember committing, I suppose they could have replaced the "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been blah blah blah since my last confession" with sitting on the priest's lap and relating our mortal and venial transgressions like a kid rattling off their Christmas list to Santa, except in a whorish fashion. And instead of saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers (with an Act of Contrition and possibly a Glory Be every here and there for extra penitential measure) as penance, we treat the officiating clergyman to a slutty striptease. It would be reasonable to think the Church did change this if they weren't famous for changing things so infrequently...like every millenium infrequently. Somehow, I think this "offensive" take on holy confession is a fantasy that came out of Britney's thoroughly addled and completely unholy little mind. I mean, from what the internets tell me, she speaks in her own secret language to herself, considers an order of Nachos Bellgrande on par with a religious experience, and whose public image is best described as a Frappuccino and santorum-scented cross between a spitted hog at a pig roast, Anna Nicole Smith's idiot cousin, and those rednecks that raped Ned Beatty in Deliverance. I was frankly expecting something a lot worse, like Britney smoking meth with the Pope, or tossing an effigy of Jesus's salad, or having a threesome with him and Jamie-Lynn or something akin to that.
Before they get all offended because of this lame-ass "cover art", Catholics ought to take stock in our faith. Britney's boring-ass visit where she contaminated her local parish's confessional with scabies is hardly as offensive as our current troll of a Pope, Benedict XVI, laying into Brazil for using condoms to halt the spread of AIDS, bringing back the Latin mass, saying that Catholicism is the only true religion and that everyone else can consider themselves DAMNED TO HELL, threatening to excommunicate every liberal politician in Mexico, and dropping choice quotes from fourteenth century Crusade-running Byzantine emperors in the interest of building diplomatic relations with Muslim countries. Those are a hell of a lot more embarrassing, in my view, to Catholics than Britney staging a naughty sojourn into the confessional. Before you boycott Britney, boycott Benedixteen! Seriously, every Catholic should consider it their duty to pray for his rapid death so we can get a new pope, ideally one who is so impressive that we have nothing better to do than get pissed off about someone who is literally retarded trying to be pathetically and unsuccessfully controversial. Amen.
Usually "offensive to Catholics" stuff never offends me, but I get the feeling that my threshold for offensiveness is much higher than your average follower of the gospels as theologized by Rome. Madonna dancing around with plaid skirted schoolgirls underneath three burning crosses singing "Like a Prayer"? Yawn. Fully frontal naked Jesus made of chocolate? Sounds delicious. A painting of the Blessed Virgin covered in horse manure? Well, in fairness, she did give birth in a barn. I have a hard time believing the Holy Family, without reservations, short on denarii already, and at the height of Roman tax season in Bethlehem, were able to secure accomodations in a guaranteed manure-free stable. Basically, none of this stuff that is supposed to horrify my Catholic sensibilities ever does. I mean, I've got better things to do than get all hot and bothered about Madonna, who made a career mocking Catholicism, to the point of showing my outrage by boycotting Pepsi or whatever. Who fucking cares? Is it really a fucking attack on my faith that Madonna's leathery, middle-aged, turkey-necked, baby-stealing, cult-belonging ass wants to sing that appalling "Music" song (something about the way Madonna says "bourgeoisie" just infuriates me) from a perch atop a giant mirror-tiled cross. If Madonna wants to make like Jesus and get her crucifixion on for the sake of justifying $150 ticket prices on her last tour, I really could care less, because she's always pulling bullshit like that. Jesus is probably bored of her doing shit like that at this point. I'd like to think that the Son of God has better things to do than worry about the oldest trick in Madonna's business book.
So I was curious to see what Britney had come up with that would be so offensive. Behold, Catholics...if you think you can stomach it, anyway. It's far worse than anything Madonna has ever done. And by "worse," I mean "less interesting."
Okay, the only thing I can see here that's unrealistic is that a priest would go for Britney seducing him into providing her with the sacrament of reconciliation. If priests are into any sex kittens it's boys, and minus ten years in the age department. Unless, of course, they've changed the way a standard confession goes since I last went (1993). In the intervening fifteen years since I last asked the big three-in-one to forgive sins I don't even remember committing, I suppose they could have replaced the "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been blah blah blah since my last confession" with sitting on the priest's lap and relating our mortal and venial transgressions like a kid rattling off their Christmas list to Santa, except in a whorish fashion. And instead of saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers (with an Act of Contrition and possibly a Glory Be every here and there for extra penitential measure) as penance, we treat the officiating clergyman to a slutty striptease. It would be reasonable to think the Church did change this if they weren't famous for changing things so infrequently...like every millenium infrequently. Somehow, I think this "offensive" take on holy confession is a fantasy that came out of Britney's thoroughly addled and completely unholy little mind. I mean, from what the internets tell me, she speaks in her own secret language to herself, considers an order of Nachos Bellgrande on par with a religious experience, and whose public image is best described as a Frappuccino and santorum-scented cross between a spitted hog at a pig roast, Anna Nicole Smith's idiot cousin, and those rednecks that raped Ned Beatty in Deliverance. I was frankly expecting something a lot worse, like Britney smoking meth with the Pope, or tossing an effigy of Jesus's salad, or having a threesome with him and Jamie-Lynn or something akin to that.
Before they get all offended because of this lame-ass "cover art", Catholics ought to take stock in our faith. Britney's boring-ass visit where she contaminated her local parish's confessional with scabies is hardly as offensive as our current troll of a Pope, Benedict XVI, laying into Brazil for using condoms to halt the spread of AIDS, bringing back the Latin mass, saying that Catholicism is the only true religion and that everyone else can consider themselves DAMNED TO HELL, threatening to excommunicate every liberal politician in Mexico, and dropping choice quotes from fourteenth century Crusade-running Byzantine emperors in the interest of building diplomatic relations with Muslim countries. Those are a hell of a lot more embarrassing, in my view, to Catholics than Britney staging a naughty sojourn into the confessional. Before you boycott Britney, boycott Benedixteen! Seriously, every Catholic should consider it their duty to pray for his rapid death so we can get a new pope, ideally one who is so impressive that we have nothing better to do than get pissed off about someone who is literally retarded trying to be pathetically and unsuccessfully controversial. Amen.
Labels: Britney Spears, Catholicism, celebrities, contrition, Dear God, oh the horror, overcompensation, Pope Benedixteen, sluts
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