Wednesday, October 31, 2007

 

Daily Douchebag: Anthony Merino


Name: Anthony Merino

DOB: 1983?

Occupation: part-time morgue lab technician; geriatric necrophile

Hometown: Bronx, New York

Current residence: W. 185th Street, Manhattan, New York, New York

Douchebaggery: A quick glance at his metallic Playboy-symbol embossed MySpace might lead you to believe that Anthony Merino is your usual harmless guido-next-door. His interests are pretty typical, including "watching Movies, weight training, playing football, making mix dance/club mixes, going out to the hottest clubs in NYC, and last but not least working hard always cause I know in the end it will all pay off. The harder you work the harder you can party." He likes "eurodance" music and his favorite book is something called Extreme Muscle Enhancement. I have a feeling that Anthony can execute a flawless fist pump.

However, Anthony's life is not entirely spent going to "the hottest clubs in NYC" (translation: Crobar, Avalon, and any other hellish bacchanalian clusterfuck of cocaine, overpriced drinks, and house music that attracts the Bridge-and-Tunnel types), improving his muscles, and taking pictures of his crotch rocket car. He's also a student and thus spends lots of time "studing" (probably the most awesome guido misspelling of all time) and working as a "histotechnologist" AKA slide sorter at some New Jersey hospital lab. In the course of his professional efforts, he has access to the hospital morgue. After all, "histotechnologist" refers to someone who works with technology relating to tissue samples, and where are there more tissue samples than in a morgue?

However, Anthony decided to take a rather unconventional approach to his job. Instead of taking a tissue sample from the corpse of the 92-year-old woman who had just been wheeled into his office after hours, Anthony decided to leave one of his own. In her cold, collapsed, dead elderly woman vagina. GROSS! He got arrested and was clearly sad about getting caught:

Yes, Anthony was caught by the hospital security guard banging the deceased remains of a nasty old woman after he asked the guard to grant him access to the body refrigerator. Then the dumbass waited until the guard wandered off and started getting it on with that trampy little slut in locker 3 who died of heart failure. I guess the Axe body spray didn't work as advertised with the ladies who count themselves among the living, so he had to get his virile needs fulfilled somehow. As he says in his MySpace in a quote he not surprisingly fails to attribute to Ralph Waldo Emerson, "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." While that's certainly a deep sentiment for a man whose MySpace rains Playboy bunny logos, it certainly makes me wonder about what lies BENEATH him. Because I don't even think Emerson could have come up with some coherent, poetic bullshit about man's inner spirit transcending the physical world when what lies beneath him is the refrigerated corpse of someone's late grandmother.

Anthony is a revolting perv, and me being disgusted by someone's perversion is a tall order indeed. Ladies, if you happen to be out clubbing and you see this fella, fist-pumping away in a fuzzy pastel Kangol hat and a pair of stunner shades to some eurotrash techno, RUN don't walk away from him! His dick has hit dead vagina, and even I draw the line at sitting on that. Indeed, what lies behind and before are small matters compared to what lies within, if by "within" you are referring to my cooch and by "what" you are referring to necrophiliac guido dick. NO THANKS.

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# posted by Razzy @ 4:18 AM
Comments:
Time was, a guy like this would just resort to ruffie-fueled date rape to get laid. What's the world coming to?
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 10/31/2007 9:26 AM
 
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