Thursday, October 25, 2007
Daily Douchebag: J. Alexander
DOB: ???-a lady never tells, I guess
Occupation: criticizing bitches on "America's Next Top Model," annoying the shit out of me via dumb horseplay with Tyra
Hometown: ???
Current residence: Los Angeles?
Douchebaggery: Okay, dudes, it's time for some speed blogging, because I was up until 2 last night and forgot to pick up a sugarfree Red Bull to help put the wind in my sails this morning. I was up so late because J-Sexy made me akee and salt fish, the Jamaican national dish, and codfish fritters, and underestimated the prep time. So we didn't eat until after "America's Next Top Model," and then I had to help her finish drinking all the beer in her fridge. Once I finally did get to bed, I slept fitfully, both due to nicotine patch dreams and a stinky Pug who snored noisily into my ear all night. As a result, I slept shamefully late (8 a.m.-normally I've been up 2-3 hours by now), and I have a lot of mice to send to their untimely deaths today. So I've got to make this fast.
As usual, J-Sexy and I erupted into howls of derision and irritation the second Miss J showed up on the screen with his already giant afro (it grows an inch with each passing week of this "cycle," because Miss J always does cutesy crap like this...in the past he'd add boutonnieres or garish ruffles to his shirt). Miss J is fucking irritating at judging panel on "America's Next Top Model." Actually, all the judges are somewhat irritating. Twiggy is nice and rarely says anything other than "'Allo, girls" to the assembled would-be "top models" (who seem to get uglier and less remarkable with each passing cycle), Nigel Barker is kind of hot but has a really skeezy look about him, Tyra acts like an obnoxious dumb ass, and Miss J is the catalyst for all of Tyra's loud, pointless, condescending hijinks, which usually take the form of some type of outlandish charade illustrating that the contestants are hos who lack Tyra's expertise at posing in a "fashiony" or "modely" way and may involve Tyra and/or Miss J lapsing into faux hood slang. Tyra does, after all, love to brag that she's from Inglewood, so she likes to flex her "authentic urban" accent muscles from time to time via chattering about modeling with the toughest drag twink in the hood.
Miss J has apparently modeled, but I'm not sure why, because he is ugly in or out of drag. I guess if a runway show needed a hollering, overexcitable queen, then Miss J is your she-man, but otherwise he needs to stick to his chosen profession of "runway coach." Furthermore, Miss J needs to explain how he has the chutzpah to criticize bitches for their clothes given the outfits that he is usually rocking. He usually looks like a florist's shop, a costume warehouse, and a Claire's Boutique store threw up all over him. Don't shriek, "You're dressed like a hoochie, GURRRL!" at some poor, fugly bitch just because she wore a skirt to judging panel, probably because the week before she wore pants and Miss J and/or Tyra didn't like that either.
I liked it a lot better when Janice Dickinson was on "Top Model" providing the bitchiness, primarily because she and Tyra obviously hated each other, Janice wouldn't hear a word of Miss J's foolishness, and she didn't need theatrics to tell the girls how they were failing miserably at achieving top model status. She'd just look the girls over and snap, "You're fat...go lose ten pounds." She was rough. Miss J pales in comparison, and I'm so sick of his not-funny hilarious antics. Keep him in the one runway-walking competition and replace him on the panel with someone who doesn't do shiteous improv judging with Tyra all day, because I've just HAD IT with that fucker.
Labels: America's Next Top Model, Daily Douchebag, intentional buffoonery, J-Sexy, vulgar display of faggotry
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btw, who got kicked off of ANTM last night? we went to eat honduran food and watch "gone baby gone."
Ebony, dude. She left voluntarily, and thank God. Bitch had some seriously pointy shoulders. Per J-Sexy: "She looks like she has WINGS." Now they just need to lose that fugly autistic bitch, who you will be displeased to learn, won the challenge and got to do a photo shoot art-directed by none other than Ms. Mary J. Blige. I figured you'd have been going nuts. That also explains why I didn't get a bunch of texts from you once Mary J. appeared in a shiteous shag wig.
Just don't get rid of Bianca. I love that attitudinous bitch.
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Just don't get rid of Bianca. I love that attitudinous bitch.
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