Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Nellie McKay
DOB: April 13, 1982
Occupation: introspective singer/songwriter, failed stand-up comedian, obnoxious PETA slag
Hometown: London, England
Current residence: New York, New York
Douchebaggery: Nellie is some retarded "anti-folk" singer who has decided to parlay her "fame" (used loosely because I'd never heard of this twat until a link atop my Gmail said "Nellie McKay explains why she despises Columbia University") into being an ignorant, self-righteous asshole. She wrote some song called "Columbia is Bleeding" about animal research going on at my hallowed institution of graduate study, and made this video featuring her in a cage trying to fire up college students about the fact that there are animals being "tortured" at Columbia. As much as I hate to publicize the video, I'm putting it here just so you can all see what a dumb bitch this cunt is:
If you paid attention to the lyrics, it's all about how Nellie thinks all the kids at Columbia are a bunch of ignorant, self-involved dicks too busy drinking their Teas Tea and playing sports to pay heed to the animals being "tortured" there. If this dumb bitch had any clue, she'd realize she filmed her video at the wrong campus. Most of the monkeys and shit are a little further uptown at the Medical Center campus where I work, not the Morningside campus where her ass crawled into a cage at the gate.
The people at PETA, who I hold in roughly the same esteem that I hold the Ku Klux Klan or the Church of Scientology, have decided to feature Nellie McKay as their new "celebrity" spokeswhore and released this typically condescending, overtly deceptive blurb about her activism:
We love Nellie McKay. How could we not? The girl is smart, she’s funny, and she’s a walking contradiction: The rave reviews thrown her way say that her music belongs in the smoky jazz clubs of the ’40s, but Nellie is only 19-years-old. She’s been a vegetarian since she was 8, but she hates vegetables. This tiny young woman with strawberry-blonde hair might seem pretty harmless, but she shows no remorse when attacking Columbia University officials for their abuse of primates.Since PETA apparently stretches the truth about her age (ho is 25, unless there's been some new math invented that makes the difference between 1982 and 2007 equal 19), I have no doubt they're stretching the truth about the "obscene cruelties" going on at Columbia. I bet this bitch can't even tell you what the purpose of the research is that subjects the poor chimps to the "abuses against humanity." I'd rather lock myself into a cage and let the apes perform unethical "heinous" experiments on me than suffer through a concert with not only her, but Alanis Morrissette and the Barenaked Ladies. That's a trifecta of misery and despair.
When asked about the cruel animal tests that Columbia routinely performs, Nellie quickly declares that the tests are “heinous” and an “assault against humanity.” Nellie also called Columbia’s animal laboratories “torture chambers” during the April 20 protest that she led for PETA in New York.
The hot new artist is so passionate about stopping the obscene cruelties that go on at Columbia University that she wrote a song about it. You can hear “Columbia is Bleeding” and see the music video right here at peta2.com. Then you can catch Nellie on tour with Alanis Morissette and Barenaked Ladies this summer.
I get really annoyed at these people who claim that routine animal research is torture. I don't work on primates, but I do animal studies at Columbia University, and there is just no way around it. All the protocols I follow have been rigorously critiqued and approved by a panel called the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee (IACUC), which is comprised of scientists and members of the community. They ensure that I use procedures which are humane to my laboratory mice, and I personally ensure that in the course of my work, I treat the animals who give their lives for my doctoral thesis with compassion and care. I anesthetize them before I so much as give them a simple injection, and after I humanely sacrifice them by carbon dioxide asphyxiation, I dislocate their cervical vertebrae (AKA break their necks) them before I cut them open just to make sure they're dead and I'm not vivisecting them.
If you don't believe in animal research and you want to run around harping on ignorantly about your moral superiority over people who practice legitimate and beneficial scientific research for the benefit of humanity, then don't ever seek medical treatment ever again. No more antibiotics for that slut's urinary tract infections, no more Advil for her apparently chronic PMS, and no more Neosporin for minor cuts, because ALL OF THAT has been tested on animals, including primates. Drugs cannot be evaluated in human clinical trials without sufficient data in animals to indicate a certain measure of safety and efficacy, so if you are so staunchly against these egregious activities, then really you should abstain from reaping the medical benefits, lest you be a FUCKING HYPOCRITE. Or as PETA describes it, "a walking contradiction."
I'd also like to know why Columbia is always getting singled out as PETA's preferred target of outrage. It's not like NYU, Mount Sinai, Cornell, and Rockefeller aren't also conducting primate research in New York City. I assume that because Columbia is in the fabled Ivy League, it's more sexy from a media whoring perspective to accuse it of being a hotbed of cruelty. However, if Nellie really wanted to stop these flagrant wrongs against animal rights, she could spread her protesting around a little. In fact, I would suggest she start at the school she dropped out of before pursuing a failed career in stand-up comedy: the Manhattan School of Music. While they aren't conducting any scientific research on animals there to my knowledge, I can personally attest that they are constantly engaging in "abuse of primates": namely myself and LL Cool Jew and anyone else living around Broadway and LaSalle streets. Between the bacchanals of "Rent" showtune sing-alongs and the endless trill of operatic sopranos practicing their do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-dos at all hours of the day and night, LL Cool Jew and I were often in severe aural distress thanks to the nefarious activities of that sinister institution. It got to the point where, pleading, I'd stick my head out the window and shout, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" while LL Cool Jew would wail, "GO DO THAT AT YOUR SCHOOL, NOT INTO MY WINDOW!" It's a good thing Nellie McKay dropped out before we moved there, because I probably would have gone into a Michael Douglas in Falling Down-esque violent rampage if I had to listen to that bitch practicing the vocals to "Columbia is Bleeding" at all hours of the day and night.
I don't appreciate some snatch who lies about her age and quit music school only to suck monstrously on the open mic comedy circuit melodiously lecturing me about the quality or importance of my work, or that of any other scientist at my institution. She might have found the rigors of academic life boring (translation: bad grades, probably achieved via skipping music theory class to be a mouthy, haughty, patronizing cow), but I have devoted the better part of my life to it, and I'll be the first to call her out for not knowing what the fuck she is talking about. I find her chosen career just as loathsome as she does mine, but as much as I'd like to spend my time railing zealously about idiot indie musicians acting as preachy, self-appointed bossy know-it-alls, I have mice to kill as part of my job to advance medicine and benefit our society. PETA might characterize this bitch as "smart" because she parrots their inconsistent, sanctimonious, and unreasonable beliefs, but I'd be the first to say I'm smarter, and I invite Nellie McKay or any other fuckhead claiming they've cornered the market on ethics to personally face off with me. I've got a stack of degrees, a passion FOR animal research, and an exceptional command of the English language, which I use most deftly in situations of intellectual combat. Bring it, skank.
Oh, and just for fun, how's about some vintage photos of yours truly getting my animal torture on at Columbia?
Lick my mouse-killing ass, Nellie.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, LL Cool Jew, ranting, science, sexy delicious animals, sluts
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I despise bitches like Nellie. Let's wait till Nellie or someone/anyone Nellie cares about gets a disease (any disease) and withhold treatment b/c it's a statstical certainty that any number of animals were harmed to develop that treatment. Somehow I doubt she will do this voluntarily despite her do-gooder bullshit demeanor.
# posted by 
: 10/10/2007 9:51 AM
: 10/10/2007 9:51 AM
Nellie is one of the most talented young singer/songwriters out there right now and just because your jealous writing a stupid blog that nobody reads is hardly her concern. Nellie has better things to do than read ignorant rants justifying your own sadistic arcaic attitudes and bad taste in music. Go listen to R Kelly or whatever cookiecutter unoriginal trivialty you waste time with and keep writing worthless blogs nobody reads and let ture talents like Nellie shine and change the world without your boring interuptions.
Nellie McKay rocks! Go get tickets to her shows right now, playing Largo in LA tonight and tomorrow, tickets still available! Go support REAL talent!
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Nellie McKay rocks! Go get tickets to her shows right now, playing Largo in LA tonight and tomorrow, tickets still available! Go support REAL talent!
# posted by : 10/11/2007 5:53 PM
: 10/11/2007 5:53 PM Links to this post:
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