Friday, October 26, 2007
Daily Douchebag: UPS Whiteboard Guy
DOB: September 2007
Occupation: UPS spokesperson, inducer of Razzy into frenzied murderous rage
Hometown: whatever level of hell faux corporate assholes with brown dry-erase markers spring from
Current residence: TV on Sundays during NFL games
Douchebaggery: Ever since football season started, I've been tormented every Sunday by this obnoxious asshole during commercials. He gets up on the screen with his brown marker and his stupid cashmere V-neck and, even though I usually can't hear him on account of the sound being turned on exclusively on the TV showing the Jets or Giants game, just seeing him swagger out onto the screen to inform me about "what brown can do for you" pisses me off.
For one thing, this asshole is entirely too cocksure for someone rocking a set of man-tits and a Prince Valiant haircut. I bet he also drives a sportscar and left his wife for his dental hygienist or something, and I KNOW that definitely and FOR SURE he's rocking an unimpressive package. In fact, I bet his weiner barely extends past the shelf of gut that hangs unflatteringly over the waistband of his ill-fitting Dockers. If there's one thing I know from these commercials that brown CAN'T do for me (and memo to the jackasses in the UPS marketing department, "brown" is British slang for heroin, you idiots, so congrats on branding your company with something that anyone who has seen Trainspotting will associate with junkies and AIDS), it's find a decent stylist for their corporate spokespeople. I mean, WHO thought that haircut looked remotely appealing? I can't believe that shit tested well with anyone except possibly an audience of the blind, and even they would have been pissed off at the patronizing tone this asshole uses to describe all of UPS's fabulous features while he takes the captive audience through his completely uninformative whiteboard presentation.
Anyway, I was perusing the news today, and I knew there was a reason that this UPS whiteboard asshole was pissing me off even more than pompous, long-haired, probable bad lays generally do; he's a TOTAL creep! It seems that, in order to deflect suspicion from themselves, the parents of that British tourist girl who went missing in Portugal last year, have released a sketch of the mystery kidnapper. I took one look at it and solved the mystery.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, NFL football, small penises, you're ugly
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