Wednesday, October 31, 2007

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Britney Spears


Name: Britney Jean Spears

DOB: December 2, 1981

Occupation: trainwreck

Hometown: Kentwood, Louisiana

Current residence: Malibu, California

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: While Britney is a Cheeto dust-encrusted, bloated, meth-addled shadow of the hot piece of ass she once was, it's Halloween, and she was my muse this year! So even though she'd have to convince me to do her entire supply of meth to hit that fatness (although not like I should talk, see below), I have to salute Britney for her inspiring me to spend all of the Halloween party I went to this weekend doing Britney-type stuff that was the epitome of well-mannered, decent, ladylike behavior and typical of what people can expect from me and the mother of the year out in California. You know, using a deft combination of Starbucks and macrobrewed beer to round out my waistline and attract lesbian interest:

So Britney might be a taco-consuming lunatic sow these days, but I have to salute her for the sheer lack of shame exhibited by "the legendary Ms. Britney Spears." She doesn't give a fuck about anything, and that is admirable even if her body no longer is. You have to have completely surrendered all self-respect to do shit like show up in family court for round 50 of your vicious custody battle, have the court-appointed parenting expert say you are basically the worst mother in Hollywood since Joan Crawford, and respond by asking the court to quit requiring you to take drug tests. That's some serious don't-give-a-fuck hotness right there.

Also, you have to be utterly without shame to allow your record company to advertise your new "comeback" album with the most hilarious commercials of the year. It's seriously laugh out loud, knee-slapping, hilarious, from the first moment Britney croaks "I just can't control myself" (no SHIT!) to the announcer calling her "today's hottest star" to describing the album as "rush-released for October 30th," as if the reason for that wasn't due to the entire thing getting leaked on the internets but because it's "the album the world has been waiting for." Man, I don't want to ruin all the punch lines. Enjoy for yourself:

Anyway, in the spirit of my Halloween costume and my continued gratitude to Britney for her constantly entertaining me via providing ample fodder for mean-spirited internet gossip, I salute her trashtastic ways on this day of what my friend KatieScarlett would call "spooktiness." Gimme gimme MORE, gimme more, gimme gimme...

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# posted by Razzy @ 5:07 AM
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