Monday, October 01, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Plaxico Burress
DOB: August 12, 1977
Occupation: wide receiver for the New York Giants
Hometown: Norfolk, Virginia
Current residence: somewhere in Florida
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: All the fellas in my Fantasy league made fun of me when I picked Plaxico Burress in the draft. There was a lot of shit-talking concerning how I was going to spend the rest of the season relying on Eli "FAS" Manning to complete a pass. However, not even the ravages of fetal alcohol syndrome can prevent Eli from finding my man Plaxico open in the end zone. Plax is leading the NFL in touchdown receptions, and a game has yet to pass when he has not scored.
Last week, I benched Plaxico because right up until game time, all the pundits were saying that he was sitting out on account of his ouchie bent ankle. They didn't count on Plaxico being a tough motherfucker and playing anyway, and I wound up losing by seven points since I started Muhsin Muhammad's unproductive bitch ass instead. Plaxico's awesome performances have singlehandedly decided the fortune of Tha Razzies, and thanks to him (and, in fairness, to Patrick Crayton also stepping up) I just mopped the floor with Morrissey'sHair's team The Pant Dragons. I'm laughing at everyone who said Plaxico was going to suck. This guy I know e-mailed a while back, "I like Plaxico Burress -- he's got the whole 'I don't give a fuck because there are three hos waiting in my bed when I get home' vibe. And frankly, I admire that. Although I wouldn't touch him for my fantasy team, but that's your headache."
It's not my headache but my happiness. And I'd gladly be among the trio of hos waiting for him in his bed. Plaxico is 6'5" and kind of skinny, which in my experience means he's hung like a damn elephant. And it's always the guys who don't give a fuck that tend to actually fuck better than any of their more concerned or compensating peers. They really hit it right because they don't care, and thus don't try too hard, and thus tend to be the hottest lays on the planet. Plaxico does indeed have that sort of vibe about him, and I'd be more than willing to volunteer my vagina to determine whether or not he lives up to those expectations.
And even if you don't care about football, or Fantasy teams, or fantasies of fucking hot football players, one at least has to appreciate the fact that his name is PLAXICO, which is ridiculous but strangely beyond reproach. It manages to be simultaneously absurd and intimidating to the point where you can't even really make fun of it. Years ago, the best that infamous shit-talker Shannon Sharpe could do was call him "Plaxi-glas," which is frankly pretty lame. Seriously, if I ever have a kid I'm going to name him similarly, to simultaneously guarantee that he'll be both a NFL stud and nobody to be trifled with. Plaxico D'Brickashaw Mack Strong Rasmussen will be no joke. Trust.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot dudes, NFL football, sportsmen
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