RazzyBlog: I'm doublin' up with them

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I'm doublin' up with them

J-Sexy is always going off about how "silly" R. Kelly has become since the good old days (AKA "1993...check out this freaky style").

"I like 'Sex Me' and the origonal Twelve Play," she'll say. "But this sex in the kitchen...sex in his jeep...sex in outor space...it's all too ridicolos for me."

I would argue that Kells has grown like a majestic oak tree in terms of his artistic genius, and like a fine wine, continues to improve with each passing season. To prove this, I showed her some recent R. Kelly videos. After I got her to stop laughing at T-Pain for being a "fat, silly man" in the "I'm a Flirt" video and to quiet her praises for the excellent tightness and technical execution of R. Kelly's cornrows, I showed her the brilliant masterpiece of a video known as Sylvester Films' production of "Same Girl."

Since some of you might not watch the YouTubes I embed up here, I'm going to just walk those of you who are Robert Sylvester Kelly amateurs through this. You can't really just jump right into R. Kelly as a virgin. That's like a Pop Warner wannabe trying to start at blocking fullback in the NFL...it's just asking for trouble. If you are just waking up to the phenomenal human being that is Robert Sylvester Kelly, you need a true scholar, who has spent years attempting to master the knowledge that the Pied Piper of R&B has blessed us mere mortals with, to guide you through it. Behold, I present to you..."Same Girl." Seriously, this shit is better than an episode of "Melrose Place" circa season four.

The video begins with Kells in his tony Chicago condominium, gazing out his floor-to-ceiling windows at the Sears Tower and hollering at his manager about his busy schedule. R. Kelly didn't become the R-uh in R&B for nothing; he has a lot of yelling at flunkies to do on the phone:

Meanwhile, at his posh mansion in the Atlanta suburbs, Usher Raymond IV is doing the same thing. He has an album coming out, and a tranny wife who hates his mom giving birth soon, and he was inexplicably supposed to be in Cleveland yesterday, and he is BUSY. So he's pretty much regulating on the assistant tip as well:

Anyway, to relax, Usher and R. Kelly both take a step back and consider their options for chilling out. Since Kells doesn't have any time to twist trees and Usher doesn't have NEARLY the time to go unwind with a high colonic, they do the next best thing...call fellow R&B thugs to dish about their love lives, of course!

Kells reaches for his phone, in which Usher is in his top five, along with "Twon" (as in the recent ex-con, nearly bulletproof brother-in-law from "Trapped in the Closet"???) and the "Studio" (natch), and dials his favorite confidant:

Usher, exasperated, is pleased to see that even though he can't properly punctuate entries in his cell phone address book, "Kell's" is calling to give his ATL BFF the 411 on his new piece of ass:

Kells: Yo Ush!

Usher: What up, Kells?

Kells: Wanna introduce ya to this girl, I think I really love this girl.
Usher: Yeah?
Kells: Man, she's so fine.
Usher: Straight up, dog?!
Kells: She stands about 5'4"...Coca-Cola redbone...

R. Kelly, despite the fact that Usher presumably isn't having a webcam chat with him, manually demonstrates the silhouette of said love interest's voluptuous body.

Usher is impressed.

Usher: Damn.
Kells: She drives a black Durango...license plate say "ANGEL." Plus she makin' pesos, got a crib on Peach Street, right on 17th Street, and I call her "TT"...

No offense, Kells, but by your own standards, if she's driving a fucking DODGE DURANGO, then mere pesos is exactly what she's making. I'm sure a Durango is a fine mid-sized utility vehicle, but it's not exactly the world's most impressive whip. I guess it's pragmatic for the single mom, though.

Usher is suspicious. Apparently, he's heard these curriculum vitae bullet points before.

Usher: Wait a minute, hold on, dog...

Usher: Do she got a kid?
Kells: Yep.
Usher: Love some Waffle House?

Who doesn't? But this is getting to be too much of a coincidence, and Kells is now on guard as well. After all, he didn't just wake up and start pissing on teenagers yesterday.

Kells: Yep.
Usher: Do she got a beauty mark on the left side of her mouth?

Forensic evidence!

Kells: Man...?
Usher: Went to Georgia Tech?
Kells: Yep.
Usher: Works for TBS?

On an aside, I'd like to know if this "Angel" AKA "TT" is responsible for all those "Everybody Loves Raymond" episodes they always show on TBS, because that shit SUCKS! I don't know ANYBODY who loves Raymond. That show is one of the most irritating, repugnant sitcoms of all time. If "TT" is behind that, then I hope she's not "makin' pesos" for long, because scheduling four reruns of that show a day should be a straight-up career killer. But I digress.

Kells: Yep.
Usher: Man, I can't believe this shit...damn.

Kells, in spite of his curiosity, hasn't quite grasped the bigger picture yet. His intellect revolves around crafting absurd metaphors about sex, not detective work, after all.

Kells: Tell me, what's wrong, dog? What the hell you talkin' bout?

To reassure Usher, Robert Sylvester reminds him of their dear and treasured relationship, and their commitment to communication and honesty.

Kells: I'm your homie, so just say what's on your mind.
Usher: Man, I didn't know that you was talkin' bout her
Kells: So man, you're tellin' me you know her?
Usher: Like a pastor know his word.

HOLY SHIT! EUREKA! As the infinitely wise counselor, spiritual leader, and Thug Misses Khia would say, "somethin' in the milk ain't clean," and he's got enough of a whiff of some untoward shit going on to hop on his private jet and frustratedly toy with a rubber band while he and Usher continue to slog through their concerns:

Kells and Usher: We messin' with the same girl, same girl, same girl
Usher: How could the apple of my eye...
Kells: ...and my potential wife be the same girl, same girl, same girl?
Usher: Man I can't believe we been messin' with the same girl, same girl, same girl
Kells: Thought she was someone I can trust, and she's been doubling up with us

Well, buck up Kells. At least you managed to work in a brand reference to the title of the album that this song is on. And give props to this chick for not only realizing Lil' Kim's dream of fucking some R&B dick, but being astronomically successful at doing so. This bitch isn't juggling Eric Benet and Avant or some other low-ren shit like that. She's totally playing the King and Queen of R&B, and that's impressive. Then again, I'd expect no less from such a Tera Patrick-looking cable network employee with an ankle tat, a personalized license plate, and a passion for smothered chicken and waffles:

After Usher picks up Kells at the airstrip in his Bentley, they get to comparing war stories about how this flighty temptress crossed paths with them. It is a heated discussion.

Usher: See, I met her at this party in Atlanta.
Kells: Well, I met her at this party in Chicago.
Usher: She came right up to me, givin' me conversation...

Usher fondly recalls how his first impression was of a woman who would peg him with such ferocity that he wouldn't shit right for a week.

Usher: I said, "Do you got a man?" She said "no," with no hesitation.

And so it was on. But apparently, this two-timing slut had a great video ho scoring average batting with this strategy, because Kells has his own variation.

Kells: Well it must be a music thing, cause she said the same to me. She had her body all in my face, while I’m laughin' and buyin' her drinks.

Or, more specifically, some type of rose-colored liqueur best enjoyed by a pool wearing $400 sunglasses at night:

Usher: She whispered in my ear and said, "Can you take me home?"
Kells: Me too. Man, she was in the Chi singin' the same tune.
Usher (alarmed): Is that true!?
Kells: Man, it was true confessions when she said, "I love ya."

Not to leave his beloved homie's shoutout to his infamous hit "Confessions" hanging, Usher proceeded to work the name of a classic Kells jam into his analogous tale:

Usher: Man, I thought her body was calling when she said, "I want you."

Distracted for a moment by the memory that he ACTUALLY thought her strap-on was calling when she said that, Usher covers up nicely with a segue into the portion of the conversation where he breaks out the visual evidence.

Usher: See, I even got some pictures on my phone...

Not to be outdone, Kells whips out his Sidekick.

Kells: Look there, man, she is with some boy shorts on:

I think that solves this mystery. Why is this bitch still shuffling papers and setting up programming schedules or whatever for TBS while in her spare time she's juggling interstate relationships with Robert Sylvester Kelly and Raymond Usher IV? This bitch is a pro ho at multitasking. Hats off to her. Seriously.

Anyway, after Kells and Ush together melodiously lament what a small world it is, and so full of loose, faithless women, they continue to process. In fact, they go to Usher's plush, dark cigar lounge for a snifter of fine cognac and a Macanudo to finalize their therapy sesh and tie up all the lose factual ends. We're being cuckolded by the same woman...CHEERS!

Kells: She said she got me on her ringtone
Usher: Are you talking about the pink phone?
Kells: Uh-huh, the blue one.

I don't know how pink is blue, and I actually thought those colors were totally different, but maybe they're color-blind. That would explain a lot of both men's sometimes questionable and garish fashion choices. It seems, though, at the point where one sings with an echo for emphasis, the difference between pink and blue is a moot point. In fact, more important is demonstrating their prowess at hoops:

Kells: Man, she told me that was turned off. It's obvious that she's been playing us, playing us.
Usher: Cause constantly she’s been lyin' to us, lyin' to us.

By the way, that was a fast yet exhausting game of HORSE. Usher is sweating so much it looks like Kells gave HIM a golden shower (you know Usher wants it!). It's time to take a seat and rehydrate.

Kells: Don’t like the way that she’s been goin bout it, goin' bout it.
Usher: Kells, what you think that we should do about it, do about it?

Good thing you asked, because Kells is a master at scheming. He is, after all, a flirt...and if a man who is Teflon to child porn charges and a twink who married and impregnated a M2F tranny can't come up with a clever solution to this dilemma, who can? Tricksy R&B singers, these two.

Kells: Call her up at her home, she won’t know I'm on the phone...
Usher: Yeah, man, that’s a plan.

The old listen-silently-in-on-the-phone-conversation sting operation is a classic but effective plan, indeed. How could this not work in wreaking vengeance on adulterous whores? Usher likes:

Seriously, put R. Kelly and Usher in charge of the war in Iraq, because these two managed to solve a very serious problem in a matter of mere minutes. They are commendably efficient, managing to investigate, crack the case, and plot revenge without breaking a sweat. Well, okay, Usher broke a sweat trying to defend against R. Kelly's mad penetration skills on the court, but that doesn't really count. They've figured this shit out. Don't double up on a flirt and a closeted teen idol. They'll school you every time with their competence.

Kells: Homie, we about to bust this trick
Usher: Man, just tell her to meet up with you and I'm gonna show up too...
Kells: And she won't know what to do!
Usher: We'll be standing there singing...

They decide that Usher's panic room would be the best place to film their final, most triumphant chorus summarizing their trials and tribulations with this clever and unscrupulous same girl:

Kells and Usher once again sum up the bullet points of how this bitch has wronged them. Same girl, apple of eye and potential wife, doubling up, etc. They'd be upset, but they are too smug and excited at the prospect of really sticking it to this prostitute publicly:

Unfortunately, life is full of surprises, and, much like an episode of "Law and Order" a shocking plot twist turns the whole story upside down! Rather than toying adulterously with the affections of two multi-platinum-selling R&B artists, this "same girl" was actually TWINS! Didn't see that one coming, now, did you? Again...R. Kelly=EINSTEIN/PICASSO/HEMINGWAY/INSERT GREAT CONTRIBUTOR TO THE ANNALS OF COLOSSALLY IMPORTANT CULTURAL ACHIEVEMENT HERE.

HEY GUYS, the jokes on you! High five, TT squared!

This is certainly surprising. Good thing R. Kelly has mastered ridiculousness, and will somehow succeed in making this less awkward once his obvious astonishment has worn off:

Okay, so they may be twins with identical cars sporting the same custom plate, an identical tattoo on the same body part, and an aggressive seduction technique who both answer to the same playful "TT" nickname, but they're still separate people. Honest and virtuous people. So they can go back to being the apple of Usher's eye (apple="BEARD," because unless she's the Adam's apple of his eye, Usher probably isn't concerned for any reason other than appearance's sake) or R. Kelly's potential wife (once he finalizes his divorce from his current wife). Everyone lives happily ever after. Usher is thrilled he has a new chick to offset the pesky gay rumors that circulate about him on the internets, and Kells, being a consummate businessman, is thinking about how this might make for a great song...

And so it does. And if this hasn't sold you, then just watch the damn thing! More people are jumping on the speeding freighter of awesomeness that is the Robert Sylvester Kelly bandwagon every day, and I'm certain that by now you're probably one of them, and will watch "Same Girl" followed by every Sylvester Films joint on YouTube.