Monday, October 01, 2007
Manhattan's favorite no-name with no standards
My gossip internets tell me that this man, allegedly "Manhattan's favorite poster boy," is having an action figure made:
I thought this was very odd, since I live in Manhattan and I have yet to see his grubby, unshorn ass on a poster anywhere. I haven't even seen him on posters on the Lower East Side, and I'm betting that's the only place his ass would be appreciated. Certainly he wouldn't make a dent in the posters up around 145th Street unless it turns out his name is secretly Hurricane Chris and he sings a little ditty called "Ay Bay Bay." However, Manhattan's not-favorite-at-all-and-not-on-any-posters boy is some British dude named Johnny Borrell who sings in a band called Razorlight. Apparently hipsters of the Anglophilic persuasion are into that band, but nobody else has ever heard of them. Basically, he's the Cisco Adler of England, except presumably with smaller balls.
Anyway, who knows what the fuck Razorlight makes songs about, but Johnny Borrell's number one claim to fame is this:
Yes, he was sticking his dick into the gnarliest cooze this side of the Pit of Sarlacc: the classic Wayfarer-sporting icon of sophistication and style that is Kirsten Dunst. Somehow, doing that will catapult you to action figure model-status, a social station populated by an elite class of musicians, professional athletes, and porn stars, and bestow upon one the erroneous but impressive-sounding title of "Manhattan's favorite poster boy." That's like being crowned king of the Jerkoff Indie Rockers! Merely for deigning to spend a month dicking that busted snaggletooth. He's only a poster boy if the poster in question has something to do with cautioning people of the dangers inherent in lying with wild beasts.
Seriously, if all it takes to get an action figure is to fuck someone who oozes lack of appeal from every pore, then I should have entire line of Razzy (AKA "Slutz") dolls for sale. I could be "Manhattan's favorite bisexual alcoholic" or "Manhattan's favorite dog owner" or some other totally absurd, non-explanatory title that would fail to pique consumer interest. WHERE ARE MY ACTION FIGURES? I've fucked plenty of gross losers, and I'm not on any posters, so I basically meet all the same criteria as this Johnny Borrell douchebag, but nonetheless his ugly, crooked-toothed likeness is being immortalized in plastic and not mine. The world is unfair.
Anyway, who knows what the fuck Razorlight makes songs about, but Johnny Borrell's number one claim to fame is this:
Seriously, if all it takes to get an action figure is to fuck someone who oozes lack of appeal from every pore, then I should have entire line of Razzy (AKA "Slutz") dolls for sale. I could be "Manhattan's favorite bisexual alcoholic" or "Manhattan's favorite dog owner" or some other totally absurd, non-explanatory title that would fail to pique consumer interest. WHERE ARE MY ACTION FIGURES? I've fucked plenty of gross losers, and I'm not on any posters, so I basically meet all the same criteria as this Johnny Borrell douchebag, but nonetheless his ugly, crooked-toothed likeness is being immortalized in plastic and not mine. The world is unfair.
Labels: assholes, celebrities, oh the horror, overcompensation, Razzification, you're ugly
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